A
female
age
51-59,
*andommly
writes:On June 1 2006 I read an email that my husband had sent to one of my closest friends, she lived across the street from us. The email said that he had this hug guilt complex hit him, "It's not that I don't want to see you or talk to you, believe me it's actually just the opposite. I just want you to know that I care very deeply for you and the feelings I have for you are such that I can't pretend or live like this. I can't handle all the lies and deception of pretending to be a great husband and father, and knowing in my heart that I'm not!!! The deception of everyone around me is just too much"".To make a long story short I found out that the affair had been going on for 4 years, since April 2002. They would get together usually on Tuesdays while I was at Bible Study. I trusted this woman with all my heart, we carpooled our children to Christian school for 5 years, went to church together, our children were like brothers and sisters, I told her my deepest secrets ect. ect. She took care of our home when we vacation 4 weeks out of the year.My husband and I have been going to counseling for over a year now. I've caught him in many lies, but he continues to say they only had sex 4 times in the day time at motels, and they always met at the local Park and Ride, no where else. He bought her an ipod in NOV 2005, but says that was the only gift he ever gave her.We have always been "the couple everyone admires". Our sex life has always been awesome, we have always made love 4 to 8 times a week. I had always thought our communication was awesome...but he's blaming the affair on the premises that he felt unimportant and not heard.She ended up moving in August 2006, supposeably her husband is divorcing her. We sold our home this summer and live in a different town (though I always seem to run into her).My question is we now go to counselling and talk about communication. I still feel I need to talk about the affair but the counselor goes on and on about communication skills. We never talk about the affair, my husband acts like it never happened. He tells me he loves me all the time. Says he never loved her.......He never planned to leave me and thought he could handle it.Yet he has changed my life, our 4 childrens lives, her family and everyone else around us forever. Should I still question him about the affair? How can he act like it never happened? He says he hasn't had any communication with her since the email on June 1 2006. Is that believeable? He claims it was more of an emotional affair and not physical. The oldest motel record I found was January of 2003. Is it realistic to believe he only slept with her 3 times after that? He says he never slept with her in our home but it would have been so easy since I drove the kids to school at 7am, worked out and came home around 10:30am.How do I get past all of this? How do I forgive him? Should I forgive him? How do I go on with my life? I love him more than anything in this world, I can't imagine my life without him. We are the roots to a large family tree that keeps growing. My children would be devastated if we divorced, which is one of the reasons I've tried so hard to stay in our marriage.How do I get past this?
View related questions:
affair, christian, divorce, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): I have been in your shoes and still sre. I believe and you'll know if it's the right thing to do, despite all the other things that pass through yoour head at the time. I had recently caught my husband of 1 year ( though we have been together for eight) with one of my best friends. Well they never meant to be caught, no does though. It was wrong no excuse in the world can justify what they have done. I to have two and one on the way. A part of me thought it was something that i did or was not doing for that matter. NOT THE ANSWER TO QUESTION YOUR OWN ABILITY TO KEEP A FAMILY TOGETHER. he is the one that messed up plain and simple. Let me start at the beginning. I went home to my mothers for a vacation from school and me and my husband had decided to camp outside with the kids of couarse. We weren't fighting or anything like that in fact I thought that we were getting along fine. Well he decided that he hasn't seen his friends in a while and that he would go in and spend the day with them , to my surprise he started drinking with them though he says he only had about a six pack(I don't know that) Well he come home and ran my sister up to see her boyfriend, dropped her off and started drinking with my brother. They decided to go drink down in the trees and that's when my friend decided to follow them to drink.(She had allready been drinking earlier) well my brother was a little tired so he decided to walk home. I wole up later that night at about 1:30 to the sound of some thing . I put my jacket on and immediatly noticed that my husband wasn't in bed yet. So i walk outside and hear this noise that can only be described as a women having sex and moaning very loudly. I walk to the place of this sound and realize its royalle(MY FUCKEN FRIEND) making this noise. Just then I am filled with rage and begin running to the spot. They must of heared me coming becouse the noise died and by the time I got to them )50 sec.) he had his pants pulled up and she was just shaggy and not sure how to act. I freaked out and yelled and screamed at both of them. to wich my husband immediatly start crying, telling me not to leave him. I asked what exactly happened did you sleep together and she said yes. He said fuck that we never , tell her. Then she said that she was just giving him oral sex. Which is no better. This is the story that he sticks too. However I have my doubt. How in the hell can she be making all that noise if that is indeed the truth. BINGO she can't Busted. at least that is hat i wantedf to believe. He maintains that he is sorry and it will never happen again I dont know about this. I have a hard time looking past what he has done to me. Every women is different at the end of the day. Make the choice that lets you be truly happy, wheather that is with him or with out him. If it is with out him ,Know that you can be the good mother to your kids , and not be ashamed of a failed marriage, hes the one that FAILED YOU.It's up to you to forgive, and even harder to forget.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 August 2007):
Yeah, don't play the part. The friend may feel guilty and not know how to respond or face you (but that is no excuse), or she might be happy about what she's done. I don't know how long you've been trying to make this work, and I don't know how much longer it is even worth trying. It seems you love him for the part you see, but in reality, you might not actually know him at all.
Either situation will be hard on the children. If you trap yourself in a loveless and/or untrusting marriage, think of what that will do to the kids. You will have a dysfunctional family. Splitting up, doesn't mean being uninvolved with their lives. They may resent you at first, but will understand in time. Compare this with how they would feel if they later find out that you sacrificed your emotional life for them.
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 Babe you need to stop playing that part then, if he is not willing to give you the answers that you need then you will never get over this.
As for her there is no point in ever thinking that you will get any answers out of her, she done it because she wanted too and she had no respect for your friendship whatsoever, she knows what she did was wrong but she will never admit that to you so you are fighting a losing battle with her.
Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? if not then you need to get out and start a new life, you will be happy again, we never think we will but we do get over these things eventually.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, randommly +, writes (19 August 2007):
randommly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all that have responded.
I ask the same questions over and over. He tells me the same boring things: we met at the Park and Ride for lunch, it was emotional not so much physical, she gave me 4 or 5 blowjobs in the truck over 4 years, we met at motels 3 times (until I found a receipt for another).
Like was he with her on Valentines Day in 2006. I asked him that in June of 2006 and he says he doesn't remember. Can that be true??
He doesn't remember and doesn't know lots of stuff. We've been married for 16 years!!! I made a statement during counselling, that the thing that hurts me the most is that he was always telling me he loved me, but that he's inlove with another woman, he just sat there, saying nothing.
I know she was in a bad marriage (she married someone 17 yr older) She always was religious~bringing me to Christ.
I am so torn because I loved both of them with all my heart, I trusted them.
I wish I could just call her up and ask questions. I've written to her several times telling her things like how could she do this to me, I loved her like a sister, I loved her children, I trusted her with all my heart.........She has never once responded.
I truly believe she is not sorry and that she wanted my life........
What sort of questions should I ask to get real answers. The only answers that I have is what I've found.
I sit here playing the part of the devoted wife and the perfect mother , but I have so much hate and pain inside of me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I admire your strength. I am going through a similar situation, but my husband is still lying to me about different things so I have decided to move on even though we have four children, I think they would rather see thier mum happy. You have to make sure he is being totally honest with you before you can start again and if this means discussing the affair he needs to accept this. Once you know everything then try to leave it at that. But you don't want to go on finding more little lies and suprises along the way like I have. You need it all out in the open and move only then can you move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (18 August 2007):
You need to address this. You have every right to as it affects you. Sounds like your counselor is an idiot. Your husband seems like a continuous fountain of lies. I'd probably end it get the divorce. However, he at least does care for you and you have four children too, so more is on the line here. You have to weigh every option here and base your decision on what is most important here.
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (18 August 2007):
You need to address the affair and you need to tell your husband that there is absolutely no chance of a future for you if this does not happen, because i firmly believe that is the only way you will be able to get through this.
My husband had an affair last year and we have talked about it alot found out the reason for the affair and we are moving on from it, i have forgiven and I'm forgetting but i don't think i could have done that without knowing everything.
You have to be 100% sure that once everything is out in the open it never gets mentioned again and you should never use it as a tool in an argument.
Explain to your husband that you have had the decency to forgive everything that he has put you through so he also should have the decency to talk to you about it and tell you everything that you want to know.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (18 August 2007):
 Hi there,
I feel for you here, not only have you been betrayed by your husband, but also your friend and confidant, double whammy!
If you and your husband have decided to try and put his infidelity behind you, to save your marriage and move on, at some point you have to do just that, put it and leave it in the past where it belongs. You have decided to forgive him, but I think your finding the forgetting harder to do, and to be honest you will never forget what he has done, but to go on you must learn to live with it, what's done is done and you can only hope he never makes the same mistake again....
It doesn't matter really what went on in thier affair. I can understand your need to know everything, but what will knowing everything solve for you? If you have to know, why not ask her for the truth and then be done with it?
Now you have decided to continue with the marriage it's time to lay the past to rest and concentrate on the future,if you don't your husband will soon get fed up with being questioned and having the past brought up time and time again, it will make him resentful of you. Picking at a healing wound will only make it bleed!
You have another chance, be thankful your marriage was strong enough to survive his betrayal and that your family has braved the storm.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
...............................
|
