A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:Hi guys, I'm really struggling with this situation and could do with some advice. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. I love him dearly, but it seems he is a lot more concerned with worrying about and fussing over his mum than he is with building a future with me.His family often refer to him as the "rock of the family" even though his dad is still very much around. He sees his sister often and acts almost as a father to his nephew. He will drop anything - most often me - to run to his family's rescue whenever there is the slightest concern. He has a reasonably well paid job and he is always bailing out family members, usually when they have simply been irresponsible with their money. My boyfriend and his older brother both live at home and have never considered moving out despite having well paid jobs. They are a very insular family and if my boyfriend spends much time away with me they will get very catty with me - although he acknowledges this is uncomfortable he never does anything to defend me or us as a couple - this generally leads to more acting out on their part and calls for help.Of course, that he was kind and family-centred was a lot of what attracted me to him. However, where he is soft and kind and available with his family, he is often quite mean with me. If I had a pound for every time I've heard about how wonderful a woman his mother is, I'd be a very rich lady - but if he so much as attempts to compliment me it seems as though the words are sticking in his throat. He is passive aggressive and often refuses to communicate. He is fiercely private and thinks nothing of lying to cover his tracks, yet occasionally brings up the content of my private messages with others online - I suspect he's noted my passwords when he's seen me using the laptop. He will spontaneously treat me at times - but will always use the amount he spends on me against me at some later point. If I take issue with anything he will say that I'm ungrateful because he spends such a lot on me - when in reality, considering I have a much lower income, I work really hard to make sure I can make a fair contribution. He ridicules and undermines my confidence at times. Despite this, my boyfriend obviously has lots of wonderful qualities, and after three years together, I suggested I'd like for us to move in together. My boyfriend was somewhat reluctant, since he didn't feel ready to move away from home - but suggested he'd like for us to continue living apart, saving, with a view to buying a house within the year.Just as that time is drawing near, my boyfriend called me to let me know he had given away the £20,000 he'd saved for his share of our house deposit to his mum, since his parents wanted to move house themselves. Although they both work and had been okayed for a substantial mortgage as well as having a house to sell, it would allow them to be mortgage free and save them a lot in interest.. and he owes it to them since they raised him, he informs me.When I asked him how this would impact upon our plans to buy a house together, he said that we'd have to set it back a year and either settle for a much smaller property and aim to put down a 10% rather than the 30% we'd hoped.I don't really care about the size of the property we'll have, or the amount of deposit, and I know fine well I have no place to tell him what he does with his money. However, I'm hurt that he's thrown in our future like that without even a thought for me, and the work I'd put into working towards what I thought were shared priorities and goals.Now I'm wondering whether I should give him this other year, or whether I should just accept I'll always come last in his life, leave him, and get on with my own.I'd be grateful for any advice - and I'm really interested in hearing from anyone who's been involved with a mummy's boy - how did it work out? Can a mummy's boy step into the role of a husband and a father, or will he always be his mother's little boy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Take it from someone who's been in your situation, once a mummy's boy, always a mummy' boy. You can't, won't change him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 A year is not going to change him.
He will always clearly be overly attached to his family.
As parents we have to give our children two things.
roots (clearly he has those)
and
WINGS... his mommy has clipped his and he's not fighting it.
RUN for the hills... his blood will always come first for him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 April 2012):
 Honey, he isn't going to change. THIS is who he is. He might actually one day GROW UP and move out, but for now he and his family has this mutual loving & enabling thing going on. His first priority is his family I really don't see that changing at all, EVEN if you moved in together.
I CERTAINLY wouldn't buy property with this guy.
Sorry :(
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