A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am going through the hardest time of my life right now and feel terriable and guilty. My Mother is 84 years old with really bad dementia. So me and my daughter had to move in but she has never liked my daughter and has a controlling personality. She calls my daughter names like brat, bicth, and tells her she is not her boss,when all my daughter is doing is trying to make sure she dose not fall. She also calls my daughter little girl when she is 25,she just hates her. my poor daughter she has just gotten out of a 5 year abusive relationship and came home to me to try and get her life together.I have put her in a stressful situation and feel bad. My sister complains when she has to help my daughter so my daughter told her off. She told her she was tired of her saying I have a husband and i'm old. My daughter told her she is young and has not lived her life plus that I her mother has to work and she did not want to hear anymore complaining. I was proud of my daughter for standing up for us but now my sister will not help. My mother hates my daughter and will not let her help her bath or anything. Still calls her names and my daughter snapped and cursed at my Mother. I was upset but I understand being cursed at an dthe stress of being asked the same question over and over agian 100 times a day about who is dead and alive in our family, and she dose not believe anything my daughter says and demands to call me at work to ask me the same questions. Life has just become to much to handle. I love My mother and this just breaks my heart. I never thought that this would happen to her. I don't want to put her in a nursinghome the thought breaks my heart. But no one will help me I can not get a live in nurse to help. {some come not bath her and to exercize but her insurance only cover's that for so long.} but no one in my family is helping me I have been calling off at work and taken all my vacations all my sick day's. I will loose my job if I take off anymore days. This is too much on my daughter and she is depressed and breaking.She is thier 24-7 and dose not get to go out and be a young adult and have friends. What should I do? Should I put her in a nursinghome? I don't know if I will be able to live with myself. Any input anyone can give would be wonderful I just need some advice. thanks for reading and any input
View related questions:
at work, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FedUp222 +, writes (30 April 2011):
Get her in a home ASAP! Your mother needs advanced care that you cannot, and should not be expected, to provide her. Your mom won't even know she's in a home. Your daughter is being abused by your mother and you need to take action. I experienced this because my father was chronically ill for 10 years. I gave up all of my young adult life to care for my father who was nothing but nasty and ungrateful. I am still bitter and angry about this in my thirties. Your daughter deserves a life and to find someone who will make her happy. Your mother is too far gone. Think about this...you are giving up your job and your life for a woman who, though no fault of her own, doesn't even know you. Don't be a saint and ruin your sanity and health while you are alive. Take action for you and your daughter.
A
female
reader, Sparklewench +, writes (9 May 2009):
My mother is 87 years old. 10 years ago we sold her Jim Walters house for 25K, sold our home for 120K and combined the two to build a house for a handicapped person to live in with us. She has never worked, except wrapping gifts at Belks for 7 years, my brother and I have cared for her since our Dad died 41 years ago. She reads a novel a day, bitches if I don't go to the library every 2 weeks. I have a husband with a chronic illness, a nine year old son, and daughter to care for. My mother slapped me across the face the other day for nothing. She lives in a nice suite. Meals are delivered to her by us 3 times a day. I pass her meds myself. She is more spoiled than any child I have ever dealt with. I am a Christian and believe in honoring my parents. I care for her the best I can. All I can say is just deal with it. Thats what I do.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I agree I think you need to realize that for everyone concerned a nursing home or assisted living home is probably best. I know how hard this will be for you but I really think it's a decision you will be making sooner than later anyway. I admire both you and your daughter. Best of luck and let us know what you decide.
...............................
A
female
reader, charm5 +, writes (30 September 2008):
It will be hard for you at first to put her in a nursing home but is the best decision you can make..Mom will be taken care of 24/7 and you can relax and care for your family. Because mom is in a nursing home doesnt mean you can not enjoy being with her.You can visit with her as much as you want and even take her out for family events or just the 2 of you to have sometime to share. If you make the choice to have her stay at home there are agencies like Interim Health Care that can provide a home health aid and a companion to provide the care needed at home with her basic things and that also relieves some of the stress.. You can not do much about how she talks to your daughter cause she has no idea what she is doing due to the dementia..I work in this field and I get insulted quite a bit and is hard at times when what is said hits you in the heart.My mother in law has been in a nursing home and was the most painful choice for all of us at the time but after a few yrs we realized it is and it was the right choice.Grandmagets excited like a kid when we take her out and dresser up.. Good Luck and take care of yourself too.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 My mother died when I was in my early 20's and then my father was on his own for years. I am an only child and my father developed cancer which unfortunately effected his brain. He lived in his own home 5 miles from us. I used to go round all the time to see if he was ok etc but it got to the point where he didn't know me/ thought i was his mother, would scream abuse at me so the neighbours thought I was hurting him and if he was calm would tell me the same story 100 times one after the other as if I'd never heard it before. It got to the point where he double locked the door and the police had to braek it down and all these things. One day he just collapsed and when I called the ambulance people they told me I was a bad daughter for letting him get in this state. I was so upset. He went to hospital where he was treated and he improved a bit and came home again and it all started again. at the time I had a full time job and a young family and it was bloody difficult. Eventually he went into a hospice and died after two months in absolute agony. He didn't know me for all that time but wandered round the hospice searching endlessly for his cats. It was terrible. When he died I felt such relief because to see him like that was truly awful. Maybe I could have done more but he didn't know what was going on he was in his own world. He used to tell me before he got ill that he would never be a burden to me and he wasn't. He didn't want to be moved from his house and i kept it all together until he became so ill he couldn't manage. At the end when he was demented he didn't know where he was and so I don't think you should feel any guilt if you do decide to put your mother in a nursing home or residential care home as she will probably not be aware of it anyway. As long as it is a good one that you have checked out carefully and you visit often I think it is ok. You have your own daughter and grandaughter and need to think of them too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): After several years of increasing signs of dementia and several mini strokes, my aunt had to be put in a residential home - not a nursing home where the care includes actual nursing - because she wasn't capable of living on her own.
She was quite wealthy and became a very easy touch for door-to-door salesmen who I suspect conferred with each other. She had a veritable mountain of tea towels, dishcloths and dusters as a result. She once wrote a cheque for £5000 to a charity collector which was cashed. She was giving away very valuable items from her house to anyone who showed an interest in them. She gave her weekly pension to a part-time gardener who came round a couple of times a week to cut the grass and prune the roses, she was living off her savings and investments which were being rapidly depleted as a result. Her only daughter was driven to distraction by her very expensive antics.
As the dementia worsened she couldn't tell you how old she was - she was 86 but thought she was 40 - and didn't recognise any of her relatives including her daughter.
After yet another mini stroke she went into hospital and it became obvious that she would be incapable of independent living when released, so was placed in the residential home. It broke her daughter's heart to have to put her there, but there was no other sensible option other than to have a carer with her 24 hours a day which was impractical. Once in the home, she was convinced she was living in a hotel, had little or no memory of her past, and lived out the rest of her days there in ignorant but delightfully happy bliss.
I know it's a moral dilemma and an extremely difficult decision to make, but if it becomes obvious that she can no longer take care of herself I don't think you'll have much choice about her future. You have to preserve your own sanity and that of your daughter and not allow your mother's condition to drag you all down with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): My wife works in a nursing home, and consequently has constant contact with people suffering from dementia (and other age related illnesses). She has to do the whole lot, bath, toilet, feed (sometimes via a peg tube because they refuse to eat).
Some of the things she tells me are horrific.
What you have to realise is that she is not really herself and it is an illness, and the worst of it is that it gets worse.
As hard as it may seem, she would probably be better off in a nursing home, being cared for by professionals (incidentally, these people - like my wife - are amazing...there is no way i could ever do a job like they do).
What would happen if your daughter had enough and moved on, you would either have to give up work or she would have to be by herself all day, from a safety point of view this is not good.
My own personal experience of dementia is my stepdads mother was diagnosed with it.
She was living on her own (her husband died many years before) and obviously my step dad was living with us, but we were 200miles away.
We found out because the police contacted us about 3am one morning and found her walking around the village in her nightclothes.
She called us one night about 2am and was saying that a chinese family had moved in with her, they were sitting on the sofa and would not leave.
My step dad moved down there for a while, eventually she was moved to hospital. Unfortunately she died within 3months thru pneumonia.
In short, there is no easy answer to your dilemma and I pity the situation you are in.
Whatever you decide, good luck and take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 One of my experiences with dementia was with a neighbour. An old woman who still lived on herself in a small house in the same street.
She would on occasion wander off and one time she had fallen down and I arrived home to find her on the pavement. Nothing major but it was hard to get her to tell where it hurt and she had several VERY large wounds (torn of skin) so I didn't take a chance and called an ambulance. Several neighbours by now had been alerted and we got a blanket to hold her warm.
As we waited, I learned this had happened before and people started to talk/gossip. As the ambulance arrived the medics took charge and frankly the way they talked to her upset me greatly. They treated her as a child. Fuck that, she is a grown women, you do not talk down to her like that.
So what if she is a bit confused, you don't have to talk over her head.
As for neighbours suggesting she should be in a home, it is her life, if she wants to remain in her own house she has been living in for decades that is her choice.
All very noble perhaps, but that was the first time. Over the following year there were at least a dozen more incidents I was present for. Her walking around outside in winter in underwear. Doors being left open. Falling down.
By the end, I was talking over her head as well. Talking down. Treating her as a child.
Dementia is a terrible disease. It turns a mature adult in something even less then a child. A child can be reasoned with but more importantly is USED to being treated like a child. A demented person still is partly the adult, who him/herself is fighting their own disease from within.
Your mother is still in there, a woman who raised her family but now has trouble remembering birthdays. Part of her knows this, but can't do anything about it. Perhaps it is like being locked in a nightmare where you want to wake up but can't.
For you and your daughter, the question is this. Do you want to spend the last few years of her life with her despite the hardships OR have her taken care of by proffesionals in what might be better for all involved but end up with her being even more of a stranger?
Not an easy choice. Both your daughter and your mother need a home right now and the two together is not working out. Last thing your daughter needs right now is someone constantly putting her down.
If this was Europe, the answer would be easy, insurance would pay for support at home and allow caregivers compensation allowing you two to take a breather now and then. In the US, well, as you said, insurance can run out and then what?
Talk it over with your doctor what the options are for maybe a local care facility.
As for my neighbour? She died. At home, natural causes. Probably happened during the night, she was found the next morning as we had arranged a schedule to check to make sure she hadn't left the door unlocked or the gas on or things like this.
A bit of a hassle for all the neightbours involved. So much easier to just have put her in a home. Who knows, it might have been the right thing to do. Maybe not.
Your choice. You and your daughter are mature adults with full control over your own actions. Your mother is no longer capable of this. Sadly because of this, both you and your daughter are getting into trouble. Up to the both of you to decide what is best for the three of you, nobody else can make that decision. She might be better of in a home, but that might also mean you loose some last moments with her you never have a chance of regaining.
...............................
|
