A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:So I am Back into the dating scene after I took some time off from my last relationship to recover so I went to online dating to try to find someone since I have a busy schedule. I connected with this guy and he asked me to go out for a drink so 1st date he drove near my house paid for dinner and then I offered to pay for drinks and he didnt hesitate so he let me pay. Second date I drove to his house since he suggested to meet there and we made out and he paid for the movies and then I suggested lunch and he let me pay... Again third date he paid for our museum trip which he suggested and I guess it came to 64 dollars and he made a face which made me feel kind of uncomfortable since he was suprised it was that much.. He suggested I take the my car though so I ended up paying for parking...I am by far not a gold digger at all and we are both professionals he is 33 I am 27 and he clearly drives a Mercedes brand new and he made me get my car a 1999 Toyota.. I guess when talking to my friends they made the assumption that it seems like he doesn't want to go the extra mile like he wants to make sure he gets something out of every date and they say this because supposedly last relationship his gf of two years "didnt know what she wanted" which I'm assuming didnt end good on his end.. Assumptions aside I have noticed that's it's always been in his time and his priority also to go on a date and also with the texting- we have made out all three dates because he always lures me back into the apartment it's hard because we are attracted sexually to each other.... My question is if we go on a forth date should I wait and see if he pays and also stay away from his apartment to see if he has good Intentions or not?? He seems like he is not willing to open up or even be charming and I'm not a gold digger but we have not gone to places that are expensive and after five ears of hell with my ex I would love a nice guy to at least be generous or attempt to be a man for the begging part--- should I pay or offer to pay to see if he is truly doing that to be cheap or because he had walls up
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female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Should you pay? In my opinion, yes...sometimes. Just as he should pay sometimes, you also have the option of going dutch. If you're expecting more financial generosity from a guy, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you.
Whether you stay away from his apartment, is your choice, because he's not "luring you" to his apartment. You're making the choice to go to his apartment, because " it's hard because we are attracted sexually to each other."
You, alone, get to choose what's acceptable or unacceptable to you. Communicate to him what your expectation are for a relationship. If he's unable or unwilling, then you two aren't right for each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Its tough to answer your question. No one not a girl or a guy should act in a way that other party started having thoughts of so is spending what. This is my ideal of dating: a guy pays most of the time especially if it his idea where to go. I reciprocate by feeding him a VERY NICE dinner may be once a week. By very nice I mean gourmet, cooked by me, asking him what he prefers to drink or eat. Who drives it wouldn't matter for me, and if I drive i will pay for parking considering the fact that he paid for the whole date. Also from now and then i will take him to a concert and pay for tickets. For me splitting the check is a bad tone. I would also after few dinners that hepaid would invite him somewhere very nice. But hen a guy makes you take turns or agrees hapyli whe you offer I wouldn't like it. . I just met someone last month. Very sweet, I feel I am in love. He always pays , doesn't even want to hear when I offer. I am a great cook, when I am at his house staying over its, it's ussualy a weekend,mthe whole day meal is on me. I make him breakfast, the lunch and dinner, I also bring my produce with me, as I only buy organic. Heis really gratefull, and keeps bragging about me to all his friends what a great cook I am. So as you see it's much nicer when it's like that, not ok, I paid for museum, you pick up a check at the restaurant. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Take this with a grain of salt!Money can be a ruff subject for people. Just because someone isnt putting out cash doesn't mean they don't like you. From your post it doesn't seem like you think that at all. You just want to be taken care of sometimes! Some people are penny smart and pound foolish. This man could of been hurt or lost out in relationship where the money situation stung. You don't know but are you willing to find out why? A gold digger? A divorce?What if the money is taking away from his happiness being with you? Along with it some of his charm? I know its weird way to look at it but what if spending money like that does bother him. People have different triggers and buttons. What $50 on a date pushes this threshold. The car will be there but the woman might not? Just don't internalize it.Sounds like he's all about fairness. He doesn't want to invest to much without it being reciprocated. Not by kissing or making out but with money. I put $20 in you should put that in too. You got to put yourself out there to get anything worthwhile sometimes. Im not saying invest a bunch of money but just realize there is a reason he does it. Decide if its something you can make work or not. If you need someone to have a different style or not. Just remember what you permit you promote. As suzy says People, Money and then things! You could always make sandwiches, go to a park and eat? js
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 I'm not getting a good feeling about this if you write he tries to 'lure' you back to his apartment. You haven't said much about how you two connected beyond that first comment so are you really all that compatible?
If he's not willing to open up or try to be charming, then why would you show up to be uncharmed and coerced into unwanted makeout sessions?
You can't judge how much cash he has based on the car he drives.
Honestly, I would pass on this guy. He's a bit too aggressive about getting you back to his apartment (too much too soon) and as you've observed, isn't the man who is going to be generous and pay for an entire date all on his own.
Say goodbye to him and don't look back. You do deserve to be respected and treated well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2013):
 Yes, stay away from his apartment for now.
Secondly, go with your gut. You wrote:" He seems like he is not willing to open up or even be charming" That is after 3 dates? and EVERY time he asks you back to his place (or as you call it "lure" you back because you are both physically attracted to each other.
He isn't looking for a GF, he is looking for a F-buddy and maybe that is why he "flinched" over the $64 he had to spend at the museum.
Is there anything about this guy you like? Part from the sexual attraction?
I would go Dutch with this one from now on, but I would also decline going to fancy or expensive places if I'm paying for myself, I would find some more middle of the road kinda places (not saying McD or Burger King either) but places YOU can afford to pay for YOURSELF.
Do you two share things in common?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Never trust a man who drives a Mercedes... Often seems likeThey're compensating for something they're lacking... Maybe emotional availability for example...? Partly learnt from experience! Lol... :/
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 September 2013):
Maybe he's broke because of the Mercedes?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 It's so hard isn't it? I think the safest way forward is to go "Dutch" as we Brits say.
Basically each of you pays for yourself. If a guy offers to pay for a meal, that's lovely, but that doesn't mean you're beholden to pay for the drinks or anything else. It also does not give him bedroom or 'make out' privileges just because he treated you to a meal or a movie.
It must have been embarrassing when he pulled a face at the museum over the price of the tickets but should this happen again, step in privately after he's paid and say something like, "That was a bit pricey wasn't it? I didn't expect the entrance fee to be so high! Would you like me to get my ticket?" Then he can decide what he wants to do and it might open up a way for you to discuss and agree how you will both fairly pay for any future dates.
Of course it might just be that he's tight and miserly (most people who have money have it because they are super careful about spending it!)if this is the case you might want to rethink this relationship.
I think your idea of staying away from his apartment is a really good one. If you're right and he is only after sexual favours then he's treating you like a prostitute and that's disrespectful and you know you can do better than that.
I hope this helps AB x
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