A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. 2 years ago I got with my boyfriend, we got a house together, one year ago today we got engaged, I was very happy. About 6-8 months ago things started getting tense and there were lots of arguments. Over the months it's gotten worse and worse and now we're no longer engaged but still together as a couple. My problem is I do not feel special or loved. He has spent most of his life alone and is happy in his own company. I came along and it was ok for a year, but now I realise that I don't think he needs me to be around much, he is happy to see me now and then when he feels like it but the rest of the time he wants to be alone. His favourite things are telly, beer and weed. I have said sooooo many times, please can you smoke weed less (I hate it cos it's bad for him and it pushes me away as I can't stand the smell of it so I have to leave and spend my time upstairs in a different room). I've said can we spend more time together, and after a huge effort he did start walking down our village pub with me, having a meal and a drink. This went on for a while but it's slowly slipped back. My feeling of being useless, unloved and unwanted got so bad that I ended up talking to a guy friend at a party and it turned out this guy told me he'd been in love with me for a long time. I was drunk and he was saying all the things I'd wanted to hear, and making me feel special (I wanted to hear these things from my boyfriend obviously, but it never happens) and because I was feeling so horribly low and spent all night talking to this guy and we had a couple of hugs and a very brief kiss. I woke the next day feeling bad, and had no urge to see this guy again I realised that he just caught me when I was very low and I just lapped up what he was saying too much. Anyway I told my boyfriend what had happened the next day and he was fine, but later he had stewed on it and went mental at me. I spend the worse night of my life in the spare room sinking to depths I didn't know existed. He didn't speak to me for days, I couldn't go to work I felt so hideous and lost. When we did speak he was angry and treating me like I'd slept with this guy at the party, and he compared me to previous girlfriends who'd cheated. I said it wasn't like that it was just a silly little hug and brief kiss nothing more at all and I haven't seen the guy since and have no urge to. Sure I know it was wrong, but every single person I have told about it says hey it's not that big a deal, but to my boyfriend like I said he's acting like I've had a long running affair for months. It was because I was so affection starved and love starved that it happened. Anyway that was a few weeks ago and now it seemed ok, but when it rears it's ugly head again he gets irritated and I have to stay out of the way. I actually moved out to a friend's house for 2 weeks in a desperate attempt to see if that would help. It did help, he said he missed me loads, he was hardly smoking and he hated being in an empty house. We met a couple of times and things looked bright, and it seemed he realised that he did love and want me, and it took me to leave to make him see that. I moved back in 2 weeks later, that was about 3 weeks ago. Things were ok for a week, then the weekend was awful. He'd had a dream about me and this guy and he got very angry and I had to leave. When I came back he wouldn't let me back in the house I had to force my way in. Since then I have decided I can take no more conflict so I left him alone all of the weekend just gone, then when I mentioned something to him Sunday about his weed smoking and the fact we never see each other anymore he got annoyed and I had to go out for a walk. I then decided i'm just going to let him get on with it now, and say and do nothing. I have spent every evening this week on my own in the spare room, he has smoked drunk and watched telly, had no desire to see me at all and has basically told me he wants to be alone. I am a lodger in this house now. I am so tired and fed up and unhappy I just don't know how much more I can take. We used to be happy, but honestly these problems were here months before this incident at the party. It seems he wants to blame everything on that, and forget everything else. He's always been unsociable and has put beer weed and telly before me, it's because of this awful worthless feeling he gives me that I went too far at the party. He cannot understand this. When I moved out for 2 weeks he said he loved me, and missed me etc and said he doesn't want to spend his life on the couch with the beer and the weed. So why 2 weeks later has he reverted back to it? I can't talk to him, he won't talk to me. Should I just leave?? Or shall I hang on to this faint hope that when we were happy we were very happy, and should I believe that he can change and I should hang on a bit longer? Perhaps he's going through a rough patch at the moment (yesterday was the anniversary of his Dad's death 27 yrs ago). I want to be there and help him but it's just SO hard when he never talks about his feelings, and when I say what my problems are I feel I'm stressing him out and that he just wants to be left alone. I've spent all week being docile and amicable I don't know what this will achieve, because inside I feel like I'm dying I don't know how much more I can take. Sorry this is so long man that feels nice to get it all out. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the quick replies. You're all saying what I know I need to do but I guess it's hard making that step! I know we moved in far too quick, and I jumped from one relationship to another too quick. Today I had a call from my mate asking me to house sit for two weeks starting a week today. I jumped at that. Just told my boyfriend he was ok with it, and said 'we can still see each other yeah?' I said a load of stuff like everything I wrote on here earlier. He sat with head in hands saying he feels like a failure and stuff. He then said lets sit together tonight, I wanted to say no stuff that cos it's only when it suits you that you want me there. Well, I did pretty much say no and am hopefully going out instead. I told him I feel worthless, unnecessary and pointless and I honestly believe he'd be happier alone as all he ever does is stuff that doesn't involve me. You guys are right, I'm being far too tolerant and the whole thing is making a mockery out of me. And did he reply when I said all this to him? Nope he just got annoyed cos I don't want to sit with him tonight then went back to the lounge to the good old telly. The more I read this the more ridiculous the whole forsaken scenario is. I've been hearing this from my mates, but I needed to hear it from some random people too to make me see. It's complicated as we own this house (yes stupidly too early I know that now!!!) so if I just clear off he'll be left with massive bills that he can't pay alone. The only thing I could think of (I don't want to be a bitch and just leave him in the lurch) is still pay my half of the mortgage but none of the bills, and this would obviously just be til the place sold..... I reckon if this place was rented I'd have been gone before but it's such a long drawn out thing selling a place and I couldn't bear to continue living here once we'd split up. Not a great reason to stay though is it ,just to avoid hassle on the house!! Cheers again guys for your replies.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Hon, to be honest, you should cut your losses and leave.
It sounds like you are in a toxic relationship.
You could try a relationship counsellor, who will also help your bf through this bad patch of coping with your cheating on him.
But as you so clearly say, weed and beer are his priority, and honestly do you really see this getting better in the future?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): Hi,
You need to move out for good, You have tried and it has failed. If you continue in this toxic relationship , during a drunken moument you will do something you regret as you said it, yo are starved fro love and attention.
THis will be hard but for your own sanity and happiness its best you both part ways.
If he wants to reconcile after this time apart, you do not move in but ask to be courted without sex and from that you can determine if he has not changed. But remember there are no guarantees that he will come back, who know you just might meet someone that can truely love you.
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