A
female
age
51-59,
*onelyhrt64
writes:This is a re-write from an anonymous question I asked on January 11th. I am so lost. I need more help.My husband shown me a question and responses that he has placed on here too. But I don't want to share my question or feelings with him right now. If he sees this on there, then so be it.My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for 4 years straight. A lot of our problems stem from his inability to let others live. That is to say, if it's not his way, it's the wrong way. If they wrong him, they need to get off his planet. Everything had always been cut and dry for him. He is now in counseling for his problems...which include his addictive personality. He quit drinking 17 years ago...this year he became addicted to porn...I was printing daily histories, to have proof in hand to confront him with, or to use to demand a divorce if needed. He was looking at porn for upwards of 7 hours while I was at work. On the third day, I noticed on his yahoo page..an email from a woman saying that she had viewed his profile. I knew immediately, he had created a profile somewhere for her to see. I looked over my printouts of the history and sure enough, he had visited milf date link, and fling. I was able to log on to the profile and he had typed "my wife gives me no love or att". (This from a man who gets sex every two to three days. Hardly ever three days in a row without)Knowing that we had been fighting a lot over everything, I decided that I might need to really try to give him more attention or leave him. Those were my options as I saw them. (You never argue with him on purpose) We had a great weekend, lots of sex and I was hopeful that I had just stopped a serious problem from sprouting, and I needed to pay closer attention to my husbands needs. On Monday, I came home from work and he met me at the door, as usual, hugged me and kissed me hello. I felt as though it was a normal day...later I see that he was not only on porn sites until the moment I pulled into the drive, he was checking his profiles on the date sites as well. On the one with the "My wife" statement...he had added..."Looking for discreet sex in our area". Needless to say, I was crushed and hurt and angry...boiling angry. I didn't say anything until later that night. I confronted him about signing up for a date site, he admitted it but promised me it was only the one day the one site. I told him he was lying and showed him my proof with the two sites...he said he forgot about the other one.During the next two days I researched more of this new problem...and I found a third site with a profile..all under assumed names. This one he had been a member of for over a month.During this time he was also taking care of our 1 year old grandson.(we took him away from his 18 year old mother-who was living with us on and off. She is a senior in high school. The dad is out of the picture) I put in for a transfer to third shift, so that I would be here to take care of the baby during the day.... allowing him to do what he needed to do, whether that was finding someone else or getting a job, I was beyond caring. We are having such financial problems right now, I couldn't afford to move out. I knew that he couldn't find the money to leave either. I have no real friends to stay with and my sister and two brothers are in Arizona. We are in Michigan. Friday night, we went for a drive. He wanted to know what he had to do to keep me. I told him that he had already lost me. We went back home and he was taking his nightly BP meds and restless leg meds. I went in to our bathroom. When I came out, the phone was ringing. Our friend was on the phone saying that my husband had just called her, said thanks for being such a good friend..and hung up. I checked the drive and he and his car were gone. I tried to call him and he wouldn't answer. Long story short, he called our 14 year old son at the homecoming game, and our 20 year old daughter away at college, and told them he loved them, he was always proud of them. I was scared out of my mind, and furious with him for scaring our kids. My 14 year old son is at a homecoming game crying for gods sake. I told him to find our friends at the game, and stay with them. I called 911 and reported an possible attempted suicide, We (the police, with me right behind a speeding cruiser) found him on a two track, near town within sight of the road, sitting on the ground talking to our 20 year old daughter. He was calm now and realized his mistake. The next day after a trip to the hospital, his brother came over and talked him in to moving in with him. Two days later he was back, he said that he couldn't stay at his brothers. I agreed to let him stay, trying to make sure he understood that we are not back together. In my mind, we should be able to co-exist in the same house if we can remain civil, and not expect anything extra from each other. (except the occasional booty call.. Mistake?)The following week he began counseling and going to church. He said that he wanted to be a better person.After three months, our finances are still bad, but we won't lose our house any time soon now.He wants to fix our marriage with couples counseling, part of me really doesn't want to bother....part of me feel like I owe it to him (I hate that part- I'm angry too and I shouldn't feel obligated to fix him or keep him from committing suicide if he wants to.)I gave in, again, and we will be seeing his counselor next Wednesday. My heart just is not in this.In the mean time, there have been a couple of booty calls that I didn't want to give. I just wanted him to shut up. His counselor has already asked me about this. I admitted to him that I had put out under duress. It made me feel like a whore. Now when he gets grabby, and I can't hardly stand for him to touch me! I want to slap his hands away.I am so tired of the drama and emotional turmoil. I haven't cried or become over emotional in over three months. No crying or yelling...nothing. He says I'm acting like a man and I need hormone therapy. I feel like if I let go...I'll have a breakdown and snap myself. How can I hold it together and fix this broken marriage?
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male
reader, dcaron +, writes (18 April 2010):
 I'd do the counseling with him for the sake of your marriage and family, but include for yourself, Alanon. Most Alchoholics require 20 years or more of AA to get an effective treatment, recall: Alcohol is only a symptom of a much greater problem. The porn-dating site combination is a good sign he needs more than just extraneous stimulation, he is emotionally upset and making maritial issues. You can help, hard as it my seem, you can. On the upside you can get better while your still married to him. I wouldn't expect anything more than very slow, given a treatment plan, continuous recovery.
A
female
reader, lonelyhrt64 +, writes (20 January 2010):
lonelyhrt64 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am packing my bags today. Most of my clothes are in the car already, he knows that I am leaving. I can't continue with the daily fighting. I feel like we are poking each other with a stick every day. My plan is to get an apartment and try to move on a little at a time. Nothing fast. NO MEN.
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female
reader, lonelyhrt64 +, writes (19 January 2010):
lonelyhrt64 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem I have with making up my mind to fix this marriage, forgiving his attempted cheating, is that I am not convinced that he was just doing it for kicks. He got caught. Within 6 weeks of his first profile post. I tried to create a profile to catch him meeting someone,(me) but the site required paid membership to send emails. I didn't have the money to send them to see if he had a paid membership, or to see if he would actually follow through and physically meet with another woman. Of course, after I confronted him, he promised that he would never have met with anyone. But I can't take that at face value. I only have his word on that. He lied about each profile until I presented the proof of each of the sites. He only admitted his guilt after being shown the proof of his infidelity. And yes, we have been monogamous since May 1984, and I consider asking for someone to respond for a plea to have 'discreet sex' is as close as you can get to cheating without actually doing it.
He was a playboy when we first met. I had trouble with trust in the beginning of our relationship (over 3 years) because he was such a bold flirt. He would come on to girls right in front of me. One night, he told me he had to be nice to other girls, so that he had 'one in the bullpen'. I understand that his insecurities made him that way, but trust was finally built between us when he realized that I wouldn't go anywhere with him if he continued to embarrass me in that way. My point is that when this all came out I questioned his loyalty after all these years, wondering if he actually gave up the 'bullpen' or was he just more careful after the beginning troubles. That in a nutshell is where my lack of trust comes from. Now I don't know how to get past it and allow myself to let go and trust in him or anyone else again.
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A
female
reader, lonelyhrt64 +, writes (16 January 2010):
lonelyhrt64 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks soooo much for your advise, I am seriously considering my options, and yes he has been porn free, I am computer savvy (my brother teaches at a University in Phoenix), and my husband does work. He is self employed and only needs to put 4 - 6 hours of the day in to his job. I can't tell you what line of work he is in, but he has virtual freedom for most of the day, and his job does not require any labor to accomplish. He had another business that he recently stopped running. (As in shut down) But the past two years, he had let his "foreman" run everything for him anyway. He only went out to bid jobs, and he hardly ever went to job sites. His new business is his only priority now, as far as work goes.
As far as the baby, his counselor told him that we have to force our daughter to take care of her son. "If we don't do it she will." We haven't seen much evidence from her that she wants to step up to the plate here, but we are going to give it a shot. The only way I can see to do that is if I get up and leave the house in the morning. If she is the only one here, maybe she will take care of him. When I'm here, she naps on the couch and puts a video on for him to watch. No clean diapers, baths when she's in the mood , etc. We called social services on her when she was running around with him until the wee hours, sleeping here and there every night. A social worker helped me get her to sign him off to us, but we never legally filed the papers. His counselor told him that she will never grow up and take responsibility if we continue to do everything for her. I explained this to her, and she agreed to live here and to try to do better. She loves him as much as we do.
I'll let you know what happens Wednesday, if I go.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (15 January 2010):
 If he's going to counseling and trying to be a better person, I think you should give him the opportunity to do so.
We can't help having addictive personalities. He dealt with alcoholism 17 years ago, this is another addiction he needs to deal with.
If he hasn't had a drink in all this time, I believe he can beat this addiction as well.
I've lived with addictions most of my adult life and I have come to understand the nature of the beast.
Living as you are now, won't work. You will grow to despise eachother. sounds like you are already there! Couples counseling can help if you are both willing to put your "all" into it!
If you're not, then you need to find a way to walk away from him.
I found so many reasons why I couldn't leave my husband...until I found the one reason that I had to! There is always a way if that's what you really want to do! BTW, when I left my husband, I had no home, no car, no job, and $500 that my parents had loaned me. It can be done!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (15 January 2010):
 You need to decide whether or not you WANT to fix this marriage. Feeling disgusted is normal and right. He has done a serious wrong. Part of the problem is he’s a man. He thinks “hey, get over it”. Well it doesn’t work that way for a woman. #1. Decide if you want to fix the marriage or not. If not, then get out. Even if roommates, no need for booty call. #2. If you want to stay in the marriage, stay in separate rooms. Set up a point system. You have the upper hand so use it to better you, your man and your marriage. Have him go to counseling for 3 months with noticeable marked improvement in his attitude. Same thing for NO porn. No internet. If you are computer savvy, you can set this all up. If he needs to be on internet, check email after you are home for the eve/day. He needs to earn his way back to your heart. Quite frankly, if the tables were turned, he would be outta there so quick. Don’t let him make you the guilty one to his bad behavior. Idle hands are the devils playground. Is he working? A man out of work is so not a good thing. Granted you all are trying to raise a baby but maybe him being a caregiver is not a good idea. He needs to feel like a man. A working man! It will give him pride and make him feel needed.
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