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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: breaking up is hard to do, ive learned, however ive never seriously done so. My girlfriend and i have been together for almost 10months, before that another 4months, and before that about a week. We met while highschoolishly young and naive, briefly dated, then parted. Eventually after graduation we decided to give it another go. she had been with a few other guys in that time, whereas i was taking drugs and for the most part wasn't sexually active. I had previously never dealt with baggage from exboyfriends la la la and despite birth control eventually i accidentally got her pregnant. It was a terrible time for either of us, and it ended with an abortion. She, at an emotionally unstable time, felt i was forcing her to do something she didnt want to do, but in reality i was distanced from even talking to her about it, and her parents handled everything. She broke it off with me, got back with her most recent/prominent ex boyfriend, and i was broken. This, my first and greatest love had vanished effortlessly. Long story short we got back together that halloween, had been previously been flirting through text, and my wounds began to heal. Soon after i was to find out she had also been sleeping with another guy from her university,and slept with a third one time. that was ten months ago.I love this girl from the bottom of my heart but i honesty am not sure if i can ever forgive her. Its not necessarily driving me insane, but needless to say i could do without. Constantly imagining terrible images and feigning trust seem even unfair to her sometimes. I know she would never do something like that to me again, and techinically it wasn't even cheating. All the same i feel betrayed and more than anything, played. I have been with a few other women but none seriously, and none inbetween my current relationship. Should i break it off with her despite her current loyalty? or should i continue to try and overcome this mental barricade? thus i am desperate for advice or perhaps even a third-eye perspective. please write me and thanks for your time :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): ++Would being open-minded necessarily mean i understand her actions and our relationship can naturally progress?++Being more open-minded is one half of understanding. The other half is having the ability to filter out the unnecessary factors when you perceive something. Mind you, not everyone can filter out the fuzz (raw associated emotions like hatred and jealousy) from the core substance. It takes an objective angle, even if you are angry and vexed, to be able to get into such a 'mode'. ++Sometimes it seems the broader my scope, the bigger picture i see, the less i want to overcome this with her++Ah, I see you are also able to see a perspective that extends beyond just yourself. Congratulations. I also completely understand when you said, "and my objectivity is skewed". Hmm... How should I word this? When you said, "the bigger picture i see, the less i want to overcome this with her" - that can mean one of two things, that come to my mind.The first could be more self-knowing and being more in-tuned with the 'universe' around you, through the intricate masses of emotional and social mechanics. The second could be more self-serving, trying to satisfy a series of egos - eg: pride and dignity. Then again, it could be a combination of both. We are all indeed, human right? ^o^With that said, if you align yourself with the first one, then I feel you are on the 'right' track to being more peaceful with yourself. Mind you, even if you do head on down this path of knowing thyself, distancing yourself from the world around you and at the same, re-connecting with all the mechanics that work endlessly around you, there will ALWAYS be lingering feelings. So long as you have a functional brain and the emotional processes that go with that, you will always have bouts of your past and the emotions involved with them.++Another important question i have is are people really capable of change? "once a thief.." and sayings of the like all lead me to believe even though she may need me now, she is potentially able to repeat the whole shibang.++Hmmm, I do not want to dishearten you, if you are not already aware of this (yet), but will share my thoughts because you asked. ALL humans are capable of change. ALL humans are capable of cheating. ALL humans are capable of anything, UNLESS they were conditioned otherwise. What I should say is that individuals, given the opportunity, whether that be volunteered or otherwise, are all capable of acting upon and reacting upon any given scenario. Therefore, I NEVER believe that "once a cheater, is always a cheater" BECAUSE we're ALL capable of cheating. It's just a matter of whether we were given the 'correct' series of circumstances or not. Remember, I also mentioned conditioning. For example, you asked if anyone is really capable of changing. Of course, but at the same, if you lived in an environment where your best traits were always suppressed or that you never gave yourself the chance to express yourself the way you want to, or if you have developed certain disorders and/or syndromes or simply just prefer one way than another - all these factors upon a myriad of other factors, make people the way they are. Take my mother for example. I remember in my more youthful days, she was so difficult to get through to. Mind you, I wasn't exactly an angel. Now more than a decade later, she has become more motherly. She has become the ideal mother, with all of her nagging traits. Take my father for example. Back in my childhood, he was terrible at fatherhood and not great at being a husband. I'm surprised my mother stuck with him all these years. Sometimes, when I think about it, I can't help but feel a little bit of a heartache for all she had gone through. Alas, my father took so long to change. All that horrible temper, the emotional threats, the inability to know when to compromise, being so stubborn, so cold, so "his way"... Now in his advanced years, it's like he went from powerful steam engine train that kept exploding to a wind-up toy train that "choo choos" once in awhile. It's not because he's old. It's because he's seen and experienced a lot. =====You are 26-29. The world seems to small these days with mass media, the internet, less than 13 hour flights and a simple VOIP call. Yet, there is so much out there. So many intricacies. So many layers. We cannot be so bold to say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". People can change. However, as I've said, we are also all very capable of anything, given the circumstances. -----++Would it be worth breaking her heart and a possibly huge amount of alone time for me, or should i stick around and see if im destined to lose?++"Worth" is self-measured. Therefore, the question you 'should' have asked is, "Would it be worth breaking my heart and a possibly huge amount of alone time for me, or should i stick around and see if i'm destined to lose?"Well, I asked myself this exact same question just now and I answered to myself: Of course it is worth breaking my heart.However, you might be wondering, "But you didn't really answer my question."I did. You see, the two questions you asked in that 'one' question has the same answer. They may both yield different results, but ultimately, what you seek is 'now'. Unless you strictly follow some form of fortune telling or astrology or even religious prayer of some sort, you will find that fate and destiny are non-existing to humans with our level of awareness. These two things can only exist in hindsight. ^_~Therefore, the choice you 'should' make 'should' be something like this: Choose the path of least resistance. Remember, we choose our battles. "Worth" is solely relative to you. =====I apologize for my long-windedness. Sometimes, a little reflection goes a long way when we want to open up our minds a bit more to others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirstly, to the first girl, I stopped drug use far before we first dated. If u dont have anything nice, or even constructive to say, please refrain from wasting your time. to meow, i appreciate ur comment because a peaceful self-resolution is my end goal. One point id like to discuss however is narrow-mindedness. Would being open-minded necessarily mean i understand her actions and our relationship can naturally progress? or would that rather be a close-minded fixation on sensory-experience that has more or less become an addiction? Sometimes it seems the broader my scope, the bigger picture i see, the less i want to overcome this with her, although im in the belly of the beast and my objectivity is skewed. Another important question i have is are people really capable of change? "once a thief.." and sayings of the like all lead me to believe even though she may need me now, she is potentially able to repeat the whole shibang. Would it be worth breaking her heart and a possibly huge amount of alone time for me, or should i stick around and see if im destined to lose?
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female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Christ, you have got some serious issues...You wereb't even together yet you feel you can't forgive her for sleeping with other guys? She's the one who felt forced into an abortion, you sound like you were a total drugged up flake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Imagine a super nova. The closer to the source of the explosion, the harder it is to deter from the shock and destruction. The further you are, the easier you will be to hold yourself together.'To forgive' depends on the situation, the content and time. Some people force forgiveness based on religiously assigned laws. Some people force forgiveness based on trying to better peace in the family. Unfortunately, to force forgiveness is like trying to force someone who is naturally shy to speak to a crowd of ten thousand. It is uncomfortable at best.'To forgive' can take time. Some of us, a few years. Others, a decade, a generation, half a century. The few, unfortunately, their lives are so narrow minded that they never forgive at all, always rekindling their sorrows and hatred, to drive themselves to live.Mind you, 'to forgive' does not necessitate that you must accept her back. It just means you become more peaceful with yourself.
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