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Should I apologize to my married co-worker for the touchy feely session we had?

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2015)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi there. I'm a gay man and recently went on a work trip with a straight co-worker (who knows I am gay).We went out one night and got very drunk. We ended up back in my hotel room having a nightcap. We got to taking our shirts off to compare bodies, and there was some touching and feeling of muscles etc. Thinking back, this was probably done with a little more enthusiasm on my part. I'm in a stable relationship and have no aspirations for anything more than friendship with this guy, although I won't pretend I don't think he's good looking. He's married. Do you think I should apologise to him in case I made him feel uncomfortable (he didn't seem to be), or should I just leave it? Thanks!

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A female reader, Martine United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2015):

Martine agony auntDon't tell your partner. It will upset him, and he may not trust you as much as he did before. It's not serious enough to risk that. Please don't. As for your work mate, you could make reference to it in a jokey way as if it was nothing(which it was), play it right down, and leave it at that. Don't worry about it, or make an issue of it. As time passes, you will feel better and move on from what was a minor drunken event. :-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

Thanks guys, that's really helpful. I will reflect on whether to talk to my partner. As for my co-worker, I think I'll stay quiet unless he brings it up, and try to be quite low key if he does. I do need to be honest with myself though and recognise that I shouldn't have put either of us in an inappropriate situation.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI'm 100% with YouWish.

If you have ANY apologies to make, it's to your partner, not the co-worker. Alcohol or not, he KNEW what he was doing...

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 June 2015):

YouWish agony auntActually, I think you'd be apologizing to the wrong person.

Here are my thoughts:

1. When talking to your married co-worker, don't bring it up unless he does. You both had a few too many, nothing really awkward happened between you, and best to forget it.

2. If you're thinking about apologizing, it should be to your own partner. He is the one you wronged in your heart if you feel you crossed a line with your drunken "enthusiasm". Would you want your partner doing what you did with another guy? I'm guessing not. THAT is who you should apologize to, if you're feeling like apologizing.

Point being - let's not kid ourselves. You want to use the "apology" to smooth things over, not because you regret it. On the contrary, opening lines of communication and finding out if your married co-worker enjoyed it to the same level you did would be the ACTUAL goal of your apology. You're turned on by him and can't stop thinking about him. Again, you're doing wrong by your partner. Don't be even MORE disloyal by pursuing a "de-brief" of your drunken feel-session.

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A female reader, vanillaSlice United States +, writes (1 June 2015):

there nothing wrong with a simple… "sorry guy,.. I got a little carried away,.. drank one too many."

Keep it light and don't dwell on it. plus if he's an attractive guy, he may have expected a little flirting from your part. I used to work with a few gay guys mixed with straight guys,.. even when things got a little weird I can't remember anyone having any major issues.

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