A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:Should be concerned if my partner see's other guys without telling me, even if it is purely friendship?My partner sees other guys without mentioning to me that she is doing so. This all came to a head last week when we nearly finished our five year relationship. I had to call in to her workplace and arrived about 5pm. A guy told me she was inside with a guy (he just said the name at this point and it was not someone I knew) I went in and she was making coffee for them both. She was very surprised to see me and she introduced me to this younger guy. We are in our early 40's and he was about 23. It was a little uncomfortable and I decided to carry on with what I had to do and said that I ouldn't stay for coffee. I returned later and asked about this guy - who he was etc and it turns out they have known each other for over a year and have been meeting for coffee since then and occasionally going for a drink. She assured me that there was nothing in in it but when I asked her why she hadn't mentioned him before she got annoyed and said that it ws because I would create a fuss and be jealous. I said that if nothing was going on - why would I be jealous? - to which I didn't really get an answer. I pointed out that for her to have been seeing this friend for over a year she must have lied about what she had been doing sometimes - this she admitted. She also said that she felt slighlty like she was doing something wrong, or that it was kind of ellicit as I knew nothing about it. She also admitted she had been seeing others for meals of coffee or just calling round for a chat. She has always insisted on seeing ex partners and boyfriends (which I am not over keen on as I am never invited or included in anything) Mostly it seems that her meetings have taken place while I am at work and also in the evenings when she is working late'. I have tried to explain to her that I am not worried about her having friendships - male or female, but that I would appreciate being told.She became angry at this and we nearly finished our relationship ther and then. I also explained that I would like to be able to know what is going on so that I can decide myself if I want a relationship on this basis. I believe that deception in a relationship is a symptom of something not being right and that lack of communication, ommisions, being economical with the truth are all things which can lead to loss of trust and insecurities building up in a relationship. I have suggested that we attempt some counselling to try to understand more about the way we are behaving within the relationship but she has refused saying that it's not for her and that it is just for weak people. I spent 1 year in counselling which finished 2 years ago - this help me understand myself, my motives and my feelings. I guess what I am saying is that I found the experience valuable.I would be interested if you have any thoughts or suggestions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Mr,please permit me to be blunt. She's had you by a fish hook and knows it. You have to be firm with her and either 1. Open up the relationship to a 'we are free to see others' relationship,in which her objection is evidence that there is more to her actions or 2. Tell her flat out to stop it or you walk away.
I also suggest you do not look at it(or anything for that matter) as a 'do or die' because it would make the other partner take you for granted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): She became angry because she did n`t want you interfering on her private life. This is exactly what she would n`t tolerate off you,that is why she does n`t tell you. You are being too diplomatic. She is using you as a door mat. She is not ready to be exclusive to you or anyone. Suggest an open relationship to her,either where no questions are asked or telling each other about who you go for "meals and coffee" with. Unless you are fighting the fact that it turns you on,which does not seem to be. You could try finding someone more honest. The cchoice is yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): She aint telling you something that she would hit the roof for if you did the same. She is going to end up walking all over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): being friends with the opposite sex without telling your partner can look suspicious especially if they go for coffee etc and it is even worst when they insist they stay close friends with an ex it destroys the trust and the relationship,walk away now before she destroys you both
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (13 September 2010):
I think trust has clearly been broken. There is nothing wrong with having friends. But if your partner is purposely lying or trying to decieve you about them, something is wrong. If it is purely friendship, why lie???
And as far as the counseling goes, I think that's a great idea. But it's not as if you are forcing her to go into counseling by herself, you suggested it for the both of you. The fact that she flat out refused is a big red flag in my book.
best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): It is very alarming to anyone to find out that your partner and/or wife has been secretly having friends. People hide the things they don't want to share. To her she didn't lie to you b/c she omitted the information. Kinda like you didn't ask so you didn't need to know. As a woman and in a relationship I just don't feel the need to lie or hide anything. The truth is a powerful thing it always comes out and whether or not she admits it, she built her intimate relationship with them. Can't say the extent of it but your partner should be your best friend and the person you look forward to sharing things with. If inside you feel betrayed it's only b/c you were made to feel that way with the lies. I wish you well, it just sounds like she was real busy investing her thoughts with someone other than you. That's not cool, I would feel hurt too!
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A
male
reader, jake79 +, writes (13 September 2010):
If I was in a relationship and my gf did not tell me she was meeting up with other guys, especially ex boy friends, I would be pissed. Not Cool!!! And seeing a counselor is great! if your back is sore see a chiropractor, if you knee is sore see a physio..if you unsure about things causing you mental grief see a counselor..
I would seriously consider this issue of trust....obviously she has given you good reason not to trust her and this issue of her keeping secrets will be eating away at you...don't think this is the girl for you long term..ask your parents or someone you know in a long term relationship..did they have secrets about other people they were seeing..did they get upset and not tell you about it....to much of a drama let her go....
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (13 September 2010):
This is a pretty common problem. One person believes in full disclosure, but the other wants to hide aspects of their life (particularly aspects that the other would really want to be told, like meeting other guys/girls, however innocent). Unfortunately, the only thing that can be done is to talk to them and try to make them understand that what they are doing upsets or hurts you. And if they don't agree and don't want to try to make it better, there isn't much else you can do. Either you will not trust her, and that often comes across in actions as being suspicious and less trusting, which often leads to a deterioration in the relationship. Or you can try to ignore it and not let it bother you: you might succeed or it might fester and build up resentment.
Just try to talk to her about it, never in an attacking manner, but being supportive. Try looking up online tips for communicating problems. Suggesting someone go to counselling is often a sensitive point. Very few people like to admit they have problems. Possibly let her get used to the idea and continue to talk about this issue and how the 2 of you want to address it. Come up with points that the 2 of you will try to improve. If there's nothing about this issue that she wants you to improve, maybe there is something else you do that she wants you to get better at, or change. It's always good when it can be seen that both of you are trying to make the relationship better.
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