A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue. My wife and I have been together for 9 and a half year and married for 8. When we first started dating she was always trying to stay in shape. All the way up to our 4th year of being together. Then she decided to get too relaxed and started gaining weight. She started getting bigger before she was pregnant with our daughter. Then after she had our daughter she had the weight prior and after. I have been trying to get her focus to exercise by trying to workout with her. But she didn't want to do that. When I make these suggestions I never come off as a-hole. I believe she is too relaxed now and I don't like it. If I'm staying in shape I expect the same from her. She always knew how I was when it comes to being healthy and staying shape when we first got together. It has gotten to the point I do not like having sex with her. She knows I'm not attracted to overweight women(no disrespect). But that is just not my preference. It's getting to the point that I'm starting to really wonder off and mess around. I'm trying to prevent that because I love my wife and she means a lot to me. But if she keeps on going this route I may end up doing it. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Women who are suddenly single lose weight, dress well,take a pride in their appearance and are happier than when they were married.Men are the same. They are looking to attract a new partner(s)have a new outlook a fresh start
Whats changed in your wifes life to make her not care get to the root of the problem.Could be familiarity could be she is unhappy or just plain bored.Find out
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Male anon:
You either know this because you've been married so many times you've observed it, you are single and spend all your time observing other couples, or you are in an unhappy marriage and deciding to hate all women because you're unhappy. Which is it? You might have more luck with women and finding love if you stopped hating women.
OP:
By your numbers that would make your daughter 4, is that right? Maybe your household is really different from other households in the entire world, but in almost every single country in the entire world, women do on average at least 2/3 the housework and childcare, which eats up a huge amount of free time. Most guys are completely oblivious to this, especially after the kids are born. Perhaps if she had an equal amount of free time to you, she would have more energy to exercise and watch her eating.
Youwish is 100% right on this. You have tons of time to go work out and criticize her, so my guess is you're not putting in a fair share. And before you jump in defensively that you absolutely are helping evenly, are you sure? Because generally the households with the largest gaps in who did the housework also believed the work was most evenly divided. Also make sure that the housework and childcare you do is not just the rewarding kind, fixing things, learning and going to the park with your daughter, etc... That you're also doing the tedious monotonous things like dishes, scrubbing toilets, supervision, transportation for your daughter, etc...
You doing sound like you're doing much of anything to help her out, you're just alienating her (which I'm SURE makes her want to comfort eat and lie around), planning to cheat on her (which I'm sure she picks up on, and makes her want to eat and lie around), and criticizing (which again, probably makes her want to eat and lie around).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Welcome to married life my friend. In my experience, the only wives who stay fit are those who are worried their husband will leave. The more secure you make her feel, the fatter she will become.
One way to watch her lose weight? Divorce her. It's funny how quickly all these women with metabolism problems, exhaustion problems, etc., can lose weight when faced with the prospect of being alone.
In my estimation, way too many women take advantage of the men they are with by letting everything slide down hill. They want us to make an effort to keep up the romance: buy them flowers on occasion, take them out, unexpected gifts, etc. if we can make the effort to do all that stuff, why is it masagonist and shallow to expect a little effort on their part for the thing.s that keep us interested and excited?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): So let me get this straight... she's slipping physically, and so that gives you the right to break your wedding vows, withold effection, and cheat on her? I can't say I've ever heard the sacriment of marriage with those kind of vows. What has happened to today's society that so many do not take the committment of marriage seriously anymore???You sir are shallow,immature and are setting a very poor example for your daughter. One day she will want to date a boy and one would hope she would find someone who loved her for who she is as a whole person, not just her looks.You need to rethink what marriage means to you (well, it's pretty obvious) and perhaps you should go seek counsel to find out why you are choosing the path you are choosing. If you just can't be a faithful husband and work on this together, then do your wife and daughter a favor and just get out now before you cause anymore emotional damage. They deserve better than what you are giving them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 October 2012):
 You're getting to the point where you're starting to mess around on her??
What if your hairline receded? What if you started having erectile dysfunction? What if you started getting old? Would she have the excuse to go off and mess around on you because you're no longer exactly the way you were when you both met?
For the record, I believe in staying in shape. Exercise and staying active feels really good, and eating right keeps you alert, full of energy, staves off fatigue, and gives good mental well-being.
However, what is your daughter doing when you're off wandering around? Are you helping to raise her? Are you taking some of the domestic load off of your wife, especially if she works as well?
Think about this for a second here -- many women struggle with their weight as a result of medicating with food. I've seen it many times on here where women feel the distance in their marriage or the dissatisfaction of their lives.
The weight gain is a symptom, and one you should be nervous about, but not for the reason you think. You are cheating on her. You are alienating affection. You are dishonoring your vows.
I understand the issues of attraction, but it goes both ways. Both of your needs aren't being met in this marriage. Yours aren't because you believe that her weight gain shows that she doesn't love you, and she is no longer attractive, meaning your basic sexual needs aren't being met with her.
Her needs aren't being met because you aren't there for her. Telling her to be in shape isn't meeting her needs. You're going after a symptom when you should be focusing on the systemic breakdown. If your reaction to this was to go out and mess around on her, I'm not surprised how this happened.
A crisis reveals what we're made of. She didn't drive you to cheat. The crisis merely revealed the cheater you are. You had so many other avenues. Counselling for both of you on this. A life change for both of you. You are a guy...women don't lose weight like men do. Muscle mass is higher metabolism. You've seen the calorie charts -- the average guy can consume about 2200 calories per day for maintaining a healthy body mass. For the average woman, it's about 1800 calories. See the difference? And to lose weight, those figures must be lower.
I wish she were on here, because I love to talk about ways to maximize good food that stimulates the metabolism, and ways to incorporate exercise into everything we do. But to do that, one must move. One must have life momentum. One must have a purpose. Someone in despondency has no will to better themselves.
What put out the fire in her life? Or who?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Have you been this brutally honest with your wife? And does she maybe have a metabolism/eating/mood disorder? I would check into all three if I were you. It's really sweet that you are willing to work out and stay healthy WITH her, but this can be a really sensitive issue with a woman. Also, what has changed from wanting her to be in shape, to not? I would find out exactly why she feels she doesn't want to keep more of a flattering figure before moving forward. Don't forget to remind her how much she means to you and that you are only bringing this up as a means to SAVE the relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Have you ever considered there might be a pre-existing reason why she's 'lowered the standard' where you're concerned. Maybe it's a physical expression of her discontent with your attitude. Nobody likes being dictated to. Maybe you're too negative to begin with, and maybe she feels defeated - - - thinking maybe she doesn't live up to your expectations (and so "maybe" she's stopped trying.)You also need to realize you'll get a lot better results if you ENCOURAGE her (again not give her an ultimatum)... and don't even think for one second, that her being out of shape is sufficient reason for you to 'cheat'!Marriage is "for better of for worse" - - - not "until my sexual preferences don't fit your body type."Honestly, if you were my husband - you'd be given your walking papers. If the menu options don't suit you here, than seek elsewhere...just not within the confines of marriage.
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