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She's not a virgin but doesn't want to have sex with me!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 February 2011) 10 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2013)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my question. Anyhow so I currently have a girlfriend. She is not a virgin; I am. We have been dating for 8 months now and I want to have sex but she keeps telling me she wants to wait until marriage. Now no offence but she already lost her virginity. This is somewhat of an insult towards me. I feel as if she does not trust me because she did it with other guys she was with shorter than me. I really want to experience sex. I was thinking about just ending our relationship. I know it sounds bad, but come on? This is total BS. I would understand if she was a virgin and would gladly wait for her....but shes not. What should I do? I think I should just leave her because obviously she trusts those other guys more than me. Plus, not trying to sound like a perv but I want to experience some sex. I really like her for her personality but I am not going to wait till marriage to a girl who has already experienced sex and I have not.

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A male reader, caveman  United States +, writes (9 January 2013):

I'm not a Virgin and my girlfriend isn't but were at the same deal if you wait around she will eventually open her legs my girlfriend is throwing me close lately I'm just waiting for the right time

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011):

In my opinion, some of the answers are a little over the top. I'd guess that 9 out of 10 guys would have at least some difficulty if they were in your situation.

It's entirely possible to care about someone and to also have different views concerning when sex is acceptable. I don't think it's reasonable to say "you place no value on this girl".

Some women will have sex with plenty of guys, but hold out on having sex with a guy they view as being marriage material, hoping that this will coerce the guy into marrying them. Woman have been using sex to manipulate men for ages. Without knowing more, odds are this is not what's going on with your girlfriend, but it does happen.

But, your girlfriend gets to decide if she wants to have sex or not. You get to decide if you want to wait. If you pressure her and/or let it bother you, the relationship will not work out.

My best guess is that this is probably a deal breaker for you. At your age, the odds of this relationship developing into a marriage are extremely low,especially given your differences on the topic of sex. If sex is important to you, just be friendly and polite, and move on to a woman who is willing to have premarital sex, and let her move on and find someone who is Ok with her position concerning sex. Getting upset about it will accomplish nothing.

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A male reader, epicureansage Canada +, writes (20 February 2011):

Ignore the judgemental things some have posted here. You're not rotten for wanting to have sex. Some of the rants I've read in response to your posting are just deusional. But what is definitely true is that you need to respect her wishes - and respectfully break up. Be sure not to make her feel bad for her choice - just as someone else here said, tell her you have incompatible needs and values, and that you don't want EITHER of you to be harmed because of that unfortunate fact. Just be aware - there are "plenty of fish in the sea" don't get it in your head that you have to push THIS girl to do something against her conscience, as if otherwise there'd be no other options.

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A female reader, adamantine Australia +, writes (20 February 2011):

adamantine agony auntWell obviously you don't care about her, so why don't you just dump her? If you did care, you would not think of her as just an object for sex. She may have had sex in the past, but did you ever think that maybe she had regrets? Maybe she wants to start afresh? Maybe she respects you so much as to not have sex with you and build your relationship on trust and friendship first?

Talk to her about this. Ask her why. Then make your decision.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (20 February 2011):

chigirl agony auntShe's within her rights to wait with sex until marriage if she wants to even if she's not a virgin. She might regret having sex with that other guy, or probably regrets it since she wont have sex now. And that's what it's about, not trust, but that that other guy probably tricked her into doing something she didn't want to in the first place.

In either case, your problem is that you want to have sex, and she doesn't. You're not entitled to sex with her just because she's your girlfriend, virgin or no virgin. If you want to have sex and experience sex, and she doesn't, then you should leave her. It's not cruel or mean or shallow in any way, at least to me it isn't. If sex is what you want, then why limit yourself.

But make sure this is actually what you want. You said if she was a virgin too you'd be ok with waiting until marriage! But then on the other hand you want to experience sex outside of marriage. Which one is it? Why would you only wait with sex until marriage if the other person was also a virgin? And what if you meet the woman of your dreams, but she's a virgin, and she only wants to be with another virgin that's going to wait with her until marriage?

So you need to decide what it is you actually want, and stop listing up weird rules to yourself. One such rule being you will only wait with sex until marriage when the person you date is a virgin. Does that mean that once you've had sex you will want to wait until marriage if the person you date is a virgin? Isn't that exactly what your girlfriend is doing?

Figure out what you want and why so you wont have regrets.

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A female reader, Blod United Kingdom +, writes (20 February 2011):

Blod agony auntThis is not BS, and you shouldn't feel insulted! This girl clearly thinks a lot of you even if you can't see that! You mean more to her than the guys she had sex with, not less! If she wants to wait until marriage it's because she wants the first time you have sex to be special and meaningful, especially as you're a virgin. She probably regrets sleeping with guys before and wants to make sure that your first time means something to you, and so that she can have sex and have it mean something. She wants your first time to be with someone you love because she clearly feels a lot for you!

But you just want sex... So as you said, you can dump her and move on so that you can just sleep with someone (that's how you come across). Or you can realize this girl's true intentions and understand that she's actually thinking of you. She's not being selfish or unfair; she trusts you.

You need to decide what you want more: a serious relationship with your girlfriend, or sex.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (20 February 2011):

Abella agony auntyou are no friend of this girl. And I applaud her for recognizing this fact and refusing your very base approach for sex.

No means No.

In any situation, marriage or a relationship No means No.

By jumping up and down complaining about her No you are acting like a two year old who can't play with a toy.

A woman is not your toy to play with at your whim.

Good lovemaking, of which you know nothing, is based on mutual respect, trust and caring deeply about the other party.

Learn to be a better friend before any woman will feel able to trust you.

Based on your own words you are disrespectful in the extreme. You place no value on this girl, because, for her own reasons, she trusted a man who has since ceased contact with her.

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A male reader, rivi United States +, writes (20 February 2011):

At 16 or 17 you are perfectly normal to have a strong need and desire to experience sexual intercourse.

It's totally normal.

She is entirely entitled to say 'no thanks' but my view is it is not unreasonable for you to treat that as a deal-breaker and go looking for a gf who is prepared to enjoy sex with you [ obv taking precautions of condoms and the Pill.]

Just be polite with her when you tell her you want to end the bf/gf thing so you can spread your wings a bit and have the full experience of being with a gf intimately. Don't allow it to turn into a quarrel or broadcast it to the world : just you have incompatible values / needs.

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A male reader, dunlu Zambia +, writes (20 February 2011):

dunlu agony auntI read your msg twice to understand everything and the one thing that comes out is that you dont love this girl because you can't leave someone you love because they are not ready to have sex with you,you also expect her to have it with you because she has had it before and not because she loves you.The question you first have to answer is,did you know that she was not a virgin before you started dating if so,what was your reason for asking her to be your girlfriend?I have had sex before and its great but one thing you have to know is that it comes with responsbilities.think about it

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (20 February 2011):

C. Grant agony auntWhoa, so she had sex with someone so you're entitled to have sex with her? I think you're missing the point here big time.

Whatever her past, she is who she is *today*. Her past may tell her that what she did wasn't right for her. The relationships clearly didn't work for her, or she wouldn't be with you now. Her *now* is no more sex before marriage. That's not BS, it's her learning. Her virginity, your virginity, has zero to do with it.

You want to have sex. Fair enough. She's saying no. Fair enough. So respect her, love her, and marry her. Or move on. No harm, no foul.

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