A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 41 and I am sort of seeing a 24 year old woman. We both have feeling for each other, but she's scared to be comitted. She says she's scared she'll hurt me, or if things didn't work out that it would be hard to face each other in work.She's knows I'm not the kind of guy to go psycho on people but she still is keeping me at arms length. When we do meet up once maybe a month, its very natural and relaxing and we're both happy. We text or talk every day.Am I wasting my time??
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male
reader, zwaken  +, writes (8 August 2016):
You said that you and this girl see each otherOften , and make each other happy which is great.But you don't say a word about attraction or sex. If by the question (am I wasting my time ?) You mean Will our relationship ever turn into a hot sexual one ? The answer is this : Not if you keep acting like a Friend and confidant and expect that connection toMake her want to sleep with you. You see her once A month ? What do you think she is doing the other 29Days in between your visits ? If you want more with her quit acting like her little buddy And go for broke ... Other wise yes indeed you are wasting your time !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Thanks for the helpful advice.
I should point out, that she isn't a serial dater nor one to play around with random strangers. Her last BF of 3 yrs ago treated her badly which is part of her fear.
Anyway I know the advice given is correct so thanks to all of you.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (15 February 2011):
I recently found myself in a similar situation. I'm 34, and was seeing a coworker who is 22. I think the biggest thing here is the woman's age. At 22 or 24, many women today are not even close to settling down. They are young and carefree, and sowing their wild oats much like young men are prone to do. Getting married and having children are not events they see in their near future.Now, I don't have any problem with that, but it means there's a definite danger of being hurt if you get attached and the relationship is merely casual from her perspective. I'm still friendly with the coworker I was seeing, but once it became apparent to me that she was nowhere close in her life to getting serious I decided to back off.So, are you wasting your time? If you want something committed and serious, then yes you unfortunately probably are wasting your time. The fact is that she's not thinking along those lines, and she has given several excuses to justify her position. If you're looking to settle down in a steady LTR, you should be pursuing women in their late 20's, or in their 30's. There are of course exceptions, but you get the general idea. The younger ones are great for a fun time, but it is unlikely anything serious will develop with them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): When people talk about the possible ramifications at work when a relationship with a coworker turns sour, it's not because they fear that person will become psychotic or they wouldn't associate with that person from the outset.
There is a current contradiction present in the relationship you do have between her words and her actions: you are already seeing one another in the type of capacity that if it ended, it would already create tension at work. The situation she claims to fear is a situation she has already put herself in, so it is not her fear, it is an excuse.
Excuses are not possibilities to overcome nor are they presented to bait another into a challenge to conquer them. They are roundabout explanations as to why someone will not deliver.
Since excuses notoriously do not carry with them the true reason, getting caught up in the analysis of one is a waste of your time. Trying to wrangle the real reason out of the person giving the excuse is also a waste of time or they would have given you the real reason from the outset, not an excuse.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Pardon my ignorance but I fail to see the "problem" It sounds like you're both very content. You can't be "wasting your time" if you are content and she's happy too. Re-evaluate the question and maybe you'll see the answer as being self-evident. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): It sounds like she is comfortable with the way things are. You are not. You would like more. I think that you should ask her if she ever sees things progressing between the two of you, or whether she is happy to keep things the way they are, very casual and distant. If she says she would like more, then she needs to explain how she thinks that is going to happen. Taking a chance on the relationship is the only way. If she seems to have no intentions of doing anything differently though, then I think she is probably content to keep things as they are. You will then have to decide whether it fits with what you want or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): If sounds as if she's happy to have a csaual relationship with you but nothing more. That is fine, accept it for what it is if you enjoy each others company. I would not think she is after anything more, so don't think you should hope for anything more.
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A
female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (15 February 2011):
Hmmm i would say dont talk abt relationship jst keep talking and txting each other dont give urself any hopes and do enjoy talkng to other girls/woman as u r a single man with a lil bet of benefit of relationship;)
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (15 February 2011):
 are you having sex when you meet up?
either way you both will want different things out of life
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Once a month?... Not a whirlwind romance. I think she is keeping her options open : she enjoys your natural and relaxed moments but she does not think it has to lead to more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I'm 29 dating a 40 year old man. I'm secretly wasting his time until I find a younger gent. He's filling the void for the moment. I don't want to find myself being asked 15 years from now if he's my father. Take my answer for what it's worth. Maybe she's different. My guess it's a long shot though.
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