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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've got a friend I've known since kindergarten. We've been through a lot and our friendship is strong. I care about her, but I'm not blind. She is pretty self-centered. Over the years we worked on our relationship and I had to set up some boundaries. She values my opinion and often seeks my advice. And I've never had this dilemma before - should I tell her what I really think?We turn 39 this year and my friend has been evaluating her life. She had been miserable for years for being alone. So here and there she would toy with the idea of having a kid on her own. She was more focused on finding a partner than on this idea. Actually find a partner was the only thing she was ever focused on. She hasn't finished her studies, she has an unstable job that requires a lot of traveling. There are times when she doesn't earn so she has to dig in into her savings. When her parents were alive, they often helped her financially.Last year she met someone, who didn't want kids so she said it was fine with it. She was so happy to be with someone she was ready to let go of that idea. Fast-forward 7 months, the guy not only left her, it turned out that he had already been in a serious relationship when he met her (actually living with someone). I haven't really known the guy. I mostly got the information about him from my friend.Anyway, now she wants to have a kid on her own, she openly says it's because she doesn't want to end up completely alone, having no family, no partner... so she keeps insisting on hearing my opinion. We talked about all the possible problems of being a single mom, financial, risks... I helped her find a sperm bank and other details, but she insists on hearing what I think about the whole thing. Well, what I really think is that having a kid because you're to scared to be alone is not only a bad reason to have a kid, it's so wrong that it is no reason at all. But that's a personal opinion, coming from someone who's happily married. She keeps saying that many people have kids for this precise reason and that she doesn't want to suffer. I really disagree on this with her. I'm not saying that she's wrong and I'm right, it's a matter of opinion. I can't say if she'll be a good or a bad mother, I just think that putting a child into this world to solve your own emotional misery is wrong. She doesn't care that she has no partner or family and that she'll be the only one responsible for that kid. She doesn't even think about the possibility that something might happen to her. If I'm being completely honest, the only person she thinks about is herself. And... I don't feel comfortable saying this to her, not even in the nicest possible way, because it's just one personal opinion. I don't want to hurt her.I have been encouraging her to seek therapy but she says, although she has never tried it, that she has everything figured out.Anyway, say what I really think or play nice?Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2018): I think she only wants an honest opinion. She wasn't asking for your permission, and I don't really think your opinion will necessarily influence her decision. Your honesty and wisdom has never failed her over the years. I do agree with you, by the way! To a point!
People have children by accident. In her case, she wants to have a child.
"Wanting it" is the most important thing about deciding to have a child. She may meet someone in the interim, or in the far-off future. One never knows.
You never really know what challenges or obstacles may come your way; even if you're married and making a ton of cash! There are no guarantees in life. Husbands still divorce you pregnant and/or with kids; and boyfriends walk when they get the unexpected-news you're pregnant. You can lose a job, or end-up disabled; even if life was damned near perfect.
So, what's the difference of having a child alone, or single?
Feeling in your heart you're willing to have one, and face whatever you have to to love, care for, and protect the child; is wonderful! If you're prepared to take-on the challenge and mature enough to do it. It's a blessing!
Finances notwithstanding; wealthy people can make lousy parents too! You can lose everything you have in the blink of an eye or in a disaster.
Children are born into unstable homes, homelessness, dysfunctional-families, and to crazy parents all the day long. She feels her love and needs would be met through motherhood. At least it's her choice! Her instincts will kick-in, and she will do whatever she must. She can only explain in words what comes to mind, you can't always put into words what the heart truly feels. Life is full of risks and taking risks. God only knows!
She shared her inner-most feelings; but if she's set on doing it, I don't think your opinion will sway her one-way or the other. You're a marvelous and loyal friend. Give her your true opinion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2018): Thank you all for your replies!
I guess I'll find a way to tell her, even though she might get angry and even though it won't change anything.
Whenever we discuss practical problems, as Honeypie has suggested, (money, time support network) she just shrugs and says that millions of morons have children every day with nothing to offer them and yet somehow everything turns out fine. I agree with the premise but not with the conclusion. Nothing turns out fine. We live in a country that offers zero help. You have to pay for everything. Not just when you want to get better quality, I mean pay for a horrible service in public hospitals, kindergartens...
I'm sorry to hear, Youcantbeserious, how your mother's selfishness has affected your life. I think that there's a good chance it might happen to this kid. This kid will have to make up for everything she ever missed.
She never even had a pet. The puppy she once bought was out of her home before the month was over. She gave it to a friend. Why? Too much of an obligation, peeing around the house etc. OK, she was in her late twenties, but, it shows that she never had a real responsibility towards anyone.
She has always idealized everything, from men to jobs and situations. When she thinks about having a kid, she sees this blond boy, supper smart and supper funny. She thinks that just because she babysits from time to time for her friends (2-3 hours tops) that she knows how to be around kids and take care of them. How about waking up for the 67th night in a row because your kid... (insert reason).
I'll have to keep it simple and not mention straight away ALL the things I want to tell her or ask or the questions I think she needs to have an answer to. As Ciar has said, this might be a good thing friendship-wise.
Good point, Anonymous reader, is that she'll have now practically zero chances of finding a partner, which makes me think that at some point she might even start believing that her kid is to blame (you know the same old "I have sacrificed everything for you..." tune.
Fortunately for some, but unfortunately in this case, there is no mandatory counseling. Sperm is nowadays seen as a commodity, it's a big market out there. You can chose the donor, order the kit and get it by post! You can do it by yourself or go to your doctor's office. And it's not cheap.
Thank you all!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (7 March 2018):
 Firstly, the child will not be a child forever. While it MAY help with her feelings of loneliness, it is not like having a partner of equal age. The child will be completely reliant on her for the first few years of its life. What will she do for money? Or for help if she is ill/has to travel with work?
Secondly, once the child reaches a certain age, it will not want to be with her exclusively. It will develop its own circle of friends and want/need to spend time with them.
If she becomes controlling of the child just so that she can have company, the child will eventually kick over the traces and push her away.
I speak from experience of a mother who, while loving us in her own way, openly admitted she had children so they would keep her company in her old age and would often tell us we had failed her because we had both chosen to lead our own lives (while always being there whenever she genuinely needed help). If I could explain to your friend how my mother's attitude towards me and my brother affected us as we grew up, I would. The mental scars stay with you for life. Not saying your friend will be the same, but it does sound like she might.
It sounds like she is determined to go ahead with this idea regardless of what you say. How do YOU feel you should handle this? Do you feel you SHOULD tell her what you really think? If you do, will it change anything?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 Say what you really think, just as you said it to us. She did ask, and more than once, right?
this is another good lesson for her and potential growth for your friendship - that she understand that when your honest opinion is sought, that is what you will give. Let her decide in the future if and when she really wants your opinion without you being in a quandary about whether or not to be honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2018): IMO you must tell her everything as you have done here in the nicest possible way and tell her it is much better to have a child with someone you know love and care for than with someone you have never seen or heard of. Tell her that a child needs a dad as well as a mum. Tell her her chances of finding a partner later on will be extremely restricted once she is with a child. You are right she must be self centered if that is how she thinks.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 I think regardless of what YOU think, she will do as SHE wants.
So I'd point out the usual. Being stable financially, having a home with room for a baby, having a support net, having the TIME to raise a child.
There are plenty of teens who do it. Having a child and raising them. But they usually have family and friends help out.
It's her life, so in the end HER choice but also her responsibility. And who knows?! maybe having a kid will help her grow up!
I don't know how it works where you live, I do know that in many places there IS mandatory counseling BEFORE they let you get access to insemination.
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