A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please don’t judge me too much for writing this.. but I’d really appreciate some advice. This guy works in a different department in my office.. we knew each other vaguely for 2 years and and he started messaging me randomly around 6 months ago. It was just friendly at first but we enjoyed talking every day over the phone and texting, and it got a little flirty after a while but nothing too bad, just friendly flirting. After a couple of months he confessed that he has liked me for a long time, and by this point I really liked him too - he said it was physical attraction and found me really attractive and couldn’t resist me. He also told me that he was in an on/off relationship but it wasn’t going so well, I didn’t think it was very serious and he doesn’t have her picture on Facebook or his relationship status. So we started meeting up a few times and we’ve kissed a few times and it turned into a sort of fling, we haven’t had sex though. He made me feel amazing about myself and I fell head over heels. He would give me so much attention and compliments, he was very good at it! And I really enjoyed our conversations. He also told me about 2 months ago that he has feelings for me beyond being physical (he was getting jealous of another guy which is why he told me). I told him I had feelings for him too but we both acknowledged the situation is complicated. He told me he’s even thought of leaving his on/off girlfriend for me. As much as I’m not clingy with him, he knows I fancy him so That’s not the issue. However for the past 6 weeks he has been very hot and cold. I haven’t seen him outside of work in this time, and he keeps saying we need to meet up but then no official plans get made. A few times he said to me ‘I need to see you next week’ and we’ve agreed to sort something out, then nothing came of it. I’m not at all clingy with him and I always give him space, but I always give him flirty messages and he knows I like him, at least physically - he knows I’m keen to see him. Every time I suggested calling it off because I thought he was losing interest, he would tell me how much he liked me and ‘reel me back in’. However he doesn’t text or call anywhere near as much as he used to and he seems a lot less interested. I suggested we call it off and he basically told me he was desperate to see me and was crazy about me, and planned a date with me the next week. A couple of days before we organised what time to meet and spoke about how excited we were. I got all ready and still hasn’t heard from him in over a day so text him a couple of hours before the date just to confirm - he replied saying he couldn’t make it and apologising. I then suggested we call it off again because I hadn’t seen him so long so didn’t think he was bothered - he’d had chances to see me and didn’t seem to be making an effort ... to which he told me he likes me and doesn’t want to stop things and sent me a message about how much he wants to see me . I let it go and we spent a few days sending flirty messages... However he has been really hot and cold, one minute he’s texting and the next I don’t hear from him for days. He used to message me 24/7 every day and now I won’t hear from him for days.Does it sound as though he’s messing me around? The worst thing is, I kind of know it but I think I’m in love with him. Every time he texts I just go running back even though I think hes messing me around. It’s like he is stringing me along, what do i do? Should I tell him that I fell for him? He used to be crazy about me and I don’t know what happened. Thanks for your help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2018): Hi there, I’m the OP and just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who answered. You’re all totally right, I think it just helps to get an outside perspective and see that he really is just playing me. I guess deep down I knew that he was but it helps to have someone say it without any bias. Strangely enough I found out the other day he had also been doing the same to another girl from work, I feel so stupid for falling for it but at the same time I’m crazy about him. As hard as it is I’m going to ignore his future messages (that’s if he actually bothers, he’s been very distant). It’s hard as I know he’s a cheat and slime ball so I don’t even know why I like him so much. But I’m going to be strong and nip this in the bud. I’m hurting quite badly at the moment but I know what I need to do. Thanks again guys, this is such an amazing website and I really appreciate the time you’ve all taken to help me :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2018): He is a low ball slime that is the cheater.You deserve way better than that.You deserve to have a man love you more than he loves himself.This guy only loves how many places he can stick his penis in.That is it.He cannot love you only that.He will lie to you and say he loves you just to stick it in.And he will do the same to the next 20 or more women he meets.Once a dog always a dog.Time to build up your self esteem and find a real man who loves you for who you are and not just a vagina.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 March 2018):
 Does it 'sound' like he's messing you around?
He IS messing you around. Very clearly also.
The guy has a GF, what about this makes you think this is a good idea? Or that he's a good guy? He has cheated on his GF with you on multiple occasions from your description.
I'd be surprised if he's not done this with multiple girls. Bored in his relationship so starts various flings for excitement. I think telling him how you feel would be terrible idea as it would be something he would love to hear for the sake of stroking his ego.
If he cared about you to the extent that he said, he wouldnt be 'thinking' about breaking things off with his GF, she would be gone. No ifs ands or buts. You know this deep down you just want to believe that one day it will happen because of all the promises he's filled you with.
Would you want your partner to be acting with someone like this at work? I'd imagine not so why do you think it's acceptable to enable someone's behaviour in such a way? In simple terms, he's a scumbag, a cheat, a manipulator who knows exactly what he's doing and probably enjoys knowing you hang off his every word.
This is bad news all over. Do you really think trying to start a relationship with a cheat is a good idea? Even if you did get together then how long before he cheats on you?
Think with your head and not your heart. This guy is an ass.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (6 March 2018):
 IF he was genuine about you he would leave his gf. It's as simple as that- look at his ACTIONS, not words. He's pursued you for 6 months? Think that's enough time for the *heart* to decide what it wants.. but deep down you know his primary interest is the physical side and the psychological CHASE. Guess what this playful messing and dancing between one girl to the next is more exhilarating for him than being in a committed monogamous relationship i.e. fidelity.
He's CHEATING on his gf. If you do anything with him you're also the cheat. It makes you as bad as him. And yeah your job is also at high risk when it goes wrong.
If he cheats with you he'll cheat on you. You'll end up broken and feeling like a fool and that'll be karma for how you both made his gf feel.
Get a grip if he wanted YOU he would ALREADY be with you, not you and her
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 Take off the rose colored glasses and see him for what he is. He's a flirt, a charmer, and messing about with you when he has someone. Doesn't sound like a catch at all. Plus you factor in that you both work at the same place? Its really not smart to date someone where you work, what if things don't work out? Even if you don't work in the same department..you could run into each other.
Aren't there any available guys anywhere else? Why lower yourself to sloppy seconds? If he messes around with his on again/off again girlfriend what makes you think he wouldn't do the same if you were his girlfriend?? Wake up chickie...this isn't a good guy
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 March 2018):
 Ultimately, no, you shouldn't tell someone you have feelings for them, if they aren't single. It is always that simple, when it's boiled down.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 I think this will be a MASSIVE mistake, if you don't nip this is the bud.
First off, someone who is willing to cheat WITH you is willing to cheat ON you. You are not some special snowflake that he won't get bored with or cheat on at some point. And you are NOT "better" than his GF or he would have ended it with her already.
Secondly, IF his relationship with the GF was so shoddy.... why is he still with her? Yeah, part of his "woe is me, my relationship is sad, my gf blah blah blah" is all talk. And you know that talk is cheap, right?
He said ALL the right things to get you interested, to get you hooked. It's a GAME to him. You are attractive and he was hoping for something ON THE SIDE with you. Or to see if he could "pull" you for shits and grins.
Another reason he pulled back, could be because the GF found out. If he wasn't REALLY looking to end it with her, her knowing isn't good. Probably made you out to be some crazy chick at work chasing HIM!.
And let's NOT forget one of the more IMPORTANT things here. YOU work together. Do NOT shit where you eat. Don't date in the work place. If things do not (and that is the majority of the time) work out... it's going to be AWKWARD! And it's UNPROFESSIONAL! You go to work to perform a JOB that you get paid for, not use the work place as an "open source dating site".
And no, you do not LOVE him, It's lust and infatuation for now. The guy you THINK he is, is NOT who he is. He is a slimy cheater who is willing to LIE and MANIPULATE you into being his side chick.
You two haven't even BEGUN anything serious and he is already dropping you like a hot potato and back tracking.
I would NOT tell him that you have fallen for him, that only. I would pull away and take a good hard look at YOURSELF. Since when it is OK to go flirt and meet up with a guy who has a partner? Would YOU want your BF to do that behind your back? The whole "I think I love him so it's OK to suggest meeting up" is YOU being morally bankrupt!
Are you really so desperate for a guy that you go chase after a guy who is taken, bored and horny? Are you that easy to fool?
Come one, even if something happened do you really think you can trust this guy ANY further than you can throw him?
Use some common sense here.
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