| A
male
,
*oy
writes: I have been married to Julie 15 years, usual up and downs but happy in the main so I thought. Have two lovely boys. About 18 months ago I thought my wife was having an affair – based on her mood and behaviour, small things but I thought all the circumstantial evidence was so strong that either she was or my mind was playing tricks and I was going mad. So after several weeks of being eaten away by it I confronted her. She denied it vehemently and turned it back on me –that I didn’t trust her, that yes my mind was playing tricks. It’s relevant to say that I over the previous couple of years I had slowly been recovering from depression resulting from a business failure and I was aware that she had been under strain (no doubt I was not fun to be around and she was supportive) and it was conceivable to me that she had sought some relief elsewhere. Anyway, we eventually repaired that situation and I thought things were going pretty well. Then something strange happened a few weeks back . It emerged that 2 of her work colleagues had had an affair and the woman had been pregnant and had an abortion. Julie seemed v upset and shocked by the discovery, more so than would be normal. I found it suspicious and have since found myself monitoring emails and looking at mobile phones as you do (and how I hate feeling I have to). What I have found out is killing me. It seems that she isn’t having an affair with the guy involved, David, but it’s clear that she would like to and is carrying a torch for him. It’s not clear to me how far things went 18 months ago, but it seems that David rejected her for this other woman. She is jealous that he chose the other woman 9altho that relationship seems to be over).What should I do? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Or confront her – and expose the fact that I have invaded her privacy. How could she have been so dishonest with me 18 months ago when I gave her the opportunity to come clean. Instead she made me go through agony feeling that I was mentally ill? I assume that nothing will come of the affair now with David but she is moping around like a lovesick teenager and she doesn’t yet realise that I know why. What is the future of our marriage – if she wants to be with someone else, maybe not this time but the next time? My head is in a spin so advice really welcome.
View related questions:
abortion, affair, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 I think with the pain you have gone thru Roy, you really need to confront this now head on. Whether or not she HAS had physical contact with this man or just dreams of it, now is the time for you to tell her you know. Yes, this will mean owning up to invading her privacy - but at the end of the day if she wasn't doing anything for you to be angry about there would be nothing for you to find out would there?
As for your issues with depression - please dont blame this soley on your wife. Depression can be triggered by something but that something will not be the one and only cause. Chances are at some point you would have become depressed because of something that occured in your life anyway. People are very often predisposed towards depression. Just be grateful that we live in a society were you can get the help and support you need.
I actually said when I first read your letter that maybe something HADNT happened and you were reading to much into it. But now wiht your updates it would seem that if she hasnt been unfaithful YET if the opotunity was there with this man she would not hesitate to take it. Think for a minute. How exactly does that make you feel?
I would (if I was in your shoes, which I am not) print off the emails and wait til you are alone and confront her. If you ahve the hard evidence in front of you she cannot deny it. If she does deny it you need to ask her not to have such little respect for you. Tell her what you feel, your sense of betrayal at her behaviour and your sense of loss at the disintergration of your relationship. Tell her what you have told us and exactly how it makes you feel. DO NOT allow her to turn this around and into a trust/invasion of privacy issue. This is not about you finding this out, this is about her behaviour. Don't become contrite and submissive if she threatens to leave, let her vent and say *go right ahead*.
It will take both of you to save this marriage, and chances are if she has behaved like this and lied to you she will do it again in the future when the going gets tough. You need to make some pretty hefty decisions about what you are going to do with your future and if it will include her or not, and that is a decision I really dont envy you.
Good luck.x
A
male
reader, Roy +, writes (18 March 2006):
Roy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all the comments and advice. I don't know if she actually had an affair 18 months ago, maybe, maybe not. What I know, because I have seen emails she has written to another friend Maggie (who has just separated from her husband and has been confessing to Julie about her affair with another man, and so i guess they are comparing notes), is that she wishes David had chosen her instead of the other woman, and that if only it wasn't for those 'pesky spouses' who have gotten in the way. Yesterday David was going for a job interview and I know that Julie bought him sweets for the car journey but felt 'insulted' when David emailed to say thanks and how he obviously brought out the mother in her. She emailed Maggie to say that it wasn't the reply she was hoping for. This morning at home she has been checking her email a lot.When I confronted her 18 months back, and I had to accept she was telling the truth that she wasn't having an affair, I sought professional help and had some intensive counselling, all focused on why I should feel so unworthy. Because the only explanation to my feelings was that I thought I wasn't worthy and, of course, my wife must be having an affair because I was such a crap husband and father, didn't deserve anything else. Even if she wasn't having an affair, she certainly wanted to and would have done and she allowed me to undergo that sort of therapy (the kind that strips you bare) based on a lie. That can't be right. I deserve better than that, surely?My period of depression is well in the past now. I still love Julie and don't want our marriage to end. We will have to work it out but I cannot pretend that this hasn't happened. I feel betrayed and terribly hurt by her. Invading her privacy is not something I feel good about but has proven to be necessary to uncover the truth
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 March 2006):
Maybe just maybe everyone is reading to much into this. Maybe she didnt have any sort of physical affair wiht this guy and it was all a fantasy inside her head to escape from the pressure of living with a partner with clinical depression.
We often forget how hard it is for others to deal with our mood swings and negative behaviour and maybe she even got just friendship and support from this guy. Maybe the torch she is carrying hasnt even gone out, so I would (if you want to save your relationship that is) confront her with your own admission of the invasion of privacy thing - and tell her you understand how hard it has been for her. Tell her you love her if it is true and ask that she comes clean and tells you the full truth. Tell her, if you acn stick to it, that once it is out in the open you and her will seek professional help in getting your relationship back on track and then DO IT together.
If on the other hand you want out of this relationship, then move on.x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): Well, you can confront David (calmly) and ask him why he rejected your wife a few months ago. This is the bait - pretending that you know, even when you're unsure. If he makes a 'confused' expression, just say you want what's best for your wife, and if it means allowing her to find some other guy to be happy with then that's exactly what it means. This will get David to be 'less confused' and probably answer to you.
Mind you, this is what I would do - either it be successful or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): I disagree. she wasn't being dishonest 18 month ago as she didn't have an affair, she was rejected so therefore didn't have one. how do u know she was actually rejected? maybe she had feelings for this man but didn't actually act upon them as she new what she wouldd lose.its up to you either way whether u talk to her about it but if you do i would tread carefully. would you like it if she'd been through ur emails n phone?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (17 March 2006):
 i wouldnt worry about invading her space , what she diod was worse all you did was trust your instincts and find out!
to make you feel as if youare going mad to hide it is unacceptable, whether or not you want to stay with her or to leave, this matter must be confronted as something is is deeply wrong for this to of happened and it wont get sorted by brushing it under the carpet
good luck
...............................
|
