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She still seems to want me. What do I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2017)
A male United States age 41-50, *toopid writes:

Hello,

I was in a relationship for ten years with a woman we will call Sally (not her real name). It was rocky from the start but we stuck together although we never lived together. She stood by me through a lot of personal trials and family deaths. At one point she became pregnant. We were both excited but decided to terminate the pregnancy. That was a terrible mistake.

I did at one point, engage in an emotional relationship with a woman i dated years earlier who lived out of state. After awhile I ended the emotional relationship with the other woman and told Sally about it. Well she was very hurt by it and over the years would bring it up. There was a lot of neglect on my part. She once said to me that of all the relationships she has been in I made her cry the most.

I would blow up at her and scream...i was an overall jerk. I would tell her that we were not meant for each other and she would cry. Once we broke up for a month with no contact. I called her after a month and she was willing to give it another try but things went back to the way they had been. So about two years ago a child she had given up for adoption about 28 years prior came back into her life and that completely changed her. She became strong and cut off all emotional and physical intimacy with me.

Yet, she tells me that she still wants the relationship but that it has changed, that she has changed, that she feels it would go back to the way it was before. Anyway i don't understand, if the relationship has changed why she still wants me around? My therapist has told me to move on. I still see and talk to the woman but she is very distant both emotionally and we no longer have sex (and havent for two years). Her son hates me, her daughter has told me to move on but Sally says even though the relationship has changed she still likes spending time with me.

Others have said the reason Sally still spends time with me is because I help her out financially. She wasn't to buy a house and I said we could buy one together but she said no. I don't know what to do? Ive been diagnosed with clinical depression recently and have been trying to work through this very sad period of my life. I am happy that she is a stronger woman now. Before she would never stand up to me. On those rare occasions she did stand up to me I really admired her for that and respected it.

I found an old journal of hers and read it and i cant believe the trials i put her through, all the sadness in her soul, all the nights she spent alone crying...I think she is too hurt to ever want to try again. I told her i would marry at one point about four years ago and then said I wouldn't. yes i know I am a jerk but why does she still want me around? I need to move on too. please help.

View related questions: broke up, move on, period

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntyou need to move out and let her go. She has gotten stronger but not strong enough to ask you to leave. You need to be strong now and if you care for her you will go so you can both move on with your lives.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

YouWish agony auntWhat struck me about this post of yours is that nothing you have talked about even comes close to what real love is. You emotionally abused her while you were with her. You and she terminated her pregnancy, and instead, you had an emotional affair with someone else. You were present physically with her, but emotionally, you were not.

Not only that, but YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED! You found an old journal of hers, and decide that you're going to rifle through it like some voyeur? That destroys trust! How dare you read it? She did not give you permission to do so, and all you want to do is reflect on why she wants you??

If you can't let her go after reading the effects of your systematic abuse of her, then you are despicable. Your therapist, her children, everyone you know is telling you to leave. It would be your first ACTUAL act of love to her to leave, never contact her again, and let her continue to grow strong and healthy.

Seriously, what you said here, "On those rare occasions she did stand up to me I really admired her for that and respected it." Do you have any idea how SICKENING that is to even read that?? She SHOULDN'T have had to stand up to someone she loves for god sakes! "Standing up" is something people should do with bullies, rapists, cheaters, and injustice, not their loved ones! LOVED ONES stand up WITH their loved ones, not have some sick admiration over inflicting emotional and verbal abuse only to watch her stand up to you. That is sick. REALLY sick.

You should have stood up for her.

Instead, you get diagnosed with clinical depression and seek to pull her back into damage with you. The entire financial support you give her is to buy control over her, to buy her time and support.

You are using her. You said this: "She stood by me through a lot of personal trials and family deaths.".

She stood by you. You didn't do the same.

Will you now, FINALLY, commit an act of love instead of sucking the life out of her emotionally?? Will you now, allow her to get healthy once and for all, rather than latch on like a bloodsucking leech in order to prop yourself up because she is emotionally stronger and healthier than you are now, only to drag her back into the despair you read about in her journal??

Do the right thing. She is not your therapist, or your punching bag, or your salve. She has children she needs to be there for now.

She's getting stronger. Leave her alone for good.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntLeave her be, let her go.

She can't and she doesn't trust you. AND for good reason. Being a jerk is not a good reason for your behavior, it's a worthless excuse.

My advice? FOCUS on yourself and YOUR mental health. When you feel BETTER in your own headspace THEN you can look for a partner. Right now?

As for her? WISH her well and CUT all contact. BLOCK and delete all contact info. LET her move on too. She keeps you around out of habit, familiarity and perhaps financial gain. NONE of those are good enough reasons to keep in touch. It's over. It wasn't healthy and there is nothing EITHER of you can do to fix that.

In short? Shop jerking her around. It's holding YOU back too from finding someone who CAN be a good match.

LEARN from your OWN mistakes and past behavior and then DO NOT repeat them.

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