A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I recently asked her to move in with me. However she turned me down. I'll admit we've had our arguments over the years, mainly because she kept saying she thought I acted single but I've never ever cheated on her, but things have been going much better in the last year or so and she's stopped getting as upset when I go out with my friends.So when I asked her to move in I thought she'd be happy because she's been wanting me to commit for a long time. But her exact words were that my 'offer' to her is not good enough to say yes. She wants me to say I'll be ready for marriage and kids in the future, but I'm nowhere near ready for that. Apparently that's not the answer she wanted. She's also annoyed that I once told her that I want to travel or maybe live abroad for a while, when she's happy living here. I don't know what the future will hold and I like that but she wants everything planned out and I'm only 26! She's 28 so maybe it's because she's a bit older? Is this the biological clock? I'm at a loss of what to do. I didn't realise that I was making an 'offer' when I asked her to move in and I'm shocked that she's not happy because she's been pushing for us to be more serious then she says no! She said I'm not being serious enough and now I feel like I'm being emotionally bullied into giving even more commitment than I'm ready to give. I do love her and want us to be together, but why can't she go with the flow more and just appreciate the offer I've made? Sorry for the rant I'm just frustrated and don't get it!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 May 2014):
 I think that the word "offer" was used only because another word does not fit unless "compromise" is what you meant.
she wants marriage and home and family and you want to live together.
In my day NO ONE lived together prior to marriage. Women were taught "why buy the cow when the milk is free"
You see living together as the next step...she sees it as time wasting and a way for you to have your cake and eat it too.
and yes acting single does not necessarily mean cheating but rather it is a mindset. being partnered and committed is different than dating even serious dating.
I see your confusion and I see her point.
I second the book "A fine Romance" by Judith Sills. Awesome book that helped me very much in my late 20s when I divorced my first husband.
28 is not young and that's not a biological clock issue. You guys just define commitment differently.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 May 2014):
 I think your G/F is understandably reluctant to take up an address with you.
As I see it, YOU want to "play house".... whilest SHE would like to establish a "home".
We see these questions all the time..... often at the "other end" of things.... when "moving in together" proved to be a bad idea... AND, usually, the woman comes out the worse for wear when that happens....
You will do her a favor (by not pressing for something that she knows is fragile), and you a favor (by having to examine your REAL motives for having a flat-mate), if you let this matter drop.... Then either reconcile that your "relationship" can only remain as it is.... OR, you and she can go your separate ways...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): I don't think you want the same things, so it may be best to admit that and break up. 26 is young but many people are already married and have children at that age. I think it is partly the biological clock for her, women can have children at a later age, but there are no guaranties and it often means fertility treatments, ivf and more after the age of 35. By 40 it is often too late for most women to have a first child and that can become a major regret if you want a family. Many women want to have children when they're young because it is physically easier to go through a pregnancy and raise children then and you can usually depend more on your good health then.Moving in is not a commitment. The fact that you wont even consider yourself ready for marriage/children in the future says either you don't want it at all or you don't want it with her. If you still want to be single and if you don't ever want a life commitment with her then you shouldn't be asking her to move in. She will just be wasting her time with you. If you care about her be honest and set her free to find someone who wants the same things as she does.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Word to the wise - don't get married until YOU are 100% ready. Not from pressure from your gf/bf, parents, friends, society, whatever. Being pressured into marriage before you are 100% ready, one your own terms, is a recipe for disaster.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 May 2014):
 She wants to know that you at least foresee a potential future with her. I don't think she's asking nor expecting you to marry her now. Rather, just that you can see it as a possibility down the road.
I can get where she's coming from. While I'm NOT one to want to jump into commitment like marriage and kids (that takes years), I do want to know I'm not completely wasting my time. If my partner doesn't see a potential future to our relationship that consists of the possibility of marriage down the line, why should I invest myself in the here and now? If they don't see that as a potential, I'm certainly not going to waste my time.
Now, don't misunderstand me. That doesn't mean that my partner must KNOW they are going to marry me and when. But they must know it's a possibility when the both of us are ready in the future.
She is most likely feeling that since you don't seem to see a foreseeable future with her, what's the point in moving in with you? If you can't see a future with her, why go any further?
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (30 May 2014):
 Hi,
I think 26-29 is old enough now to settle down and stop wanting to visit far flung destinations with your mates.
Now, if you wanted to take your girlfriend and have life moments together I don't think she would say no. I agree that you both seem to want two different things and as such, moving in with you would be detrimental to her.
I'd have jumped at the chance to have children with my partner, unfortunately we both can't. You, I think need to do some soul searching and decide if having her in your life is best for her and not just you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (30 May 2014):
 She was very smart to decline. Why should she settle for far less than what she wants?
I can fully appreciate that you're not ready for marriage and children. It's definitely not for everyone. By all means, live life and take each day as it comes. You may find that the domestic life isn't for you after all and as long as you're living a fulfilling life then that is great.
As a man, you have the luxury of becoming a father at any age. As a woman, she has a finite period of time in which to conceive and considering she would most likely assume the bulk of the childrearing, she wants to ensure she has them when she's young enough and still has the energy to deal with them.
Ultimately, you want different things right now and neither of you should have to compromise. Ideally, you could negotiate an arrangement where both of you get what you want, but I don't see that happening when it comes to marriage and children. Either you want them or you don't.
I think the only solution here is to enjoy what time you have together with an eye toward moving on.
By the way, acting like you're single doesn't necessarily mean pursuing other women.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2014):
 Dear OP, read what Euphoric29 wrote. Then read it again. And then again. It is brilliant advice. That is my best advice to you.
A book that helped me in similar circumstances at around your same age was "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. That is my second best advice.
And my third best advice is to not offer a live-in relationship unless you two are on the same page. And you two are not. No one knows what the future will hold but you can decide if you want to face it with a particular person. You don't sound ready to choose that person. She does. So moving in together isn't going to solve the issue.
It may be time to part ways with her, if you are not ready. This does not make you a bad person. Asking you to make a commitment does not make her a bad person either. So, envision the future with and without her, get the book and take Euphoric's advice to heart. Then check back in a week or so and let us know how your situation and thinking may have changed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Moving in isn't what she meant when she said she wanted to see more commitment. I made that mistake before myself. What happened was I a) lost my Independence because I moved into HIS place (HIS decor, HIS routine, HIS random mini quirks that I had to adjust to). In other words, it was ME that had to do the most adjusting. That also meant that I had someone to "answer" to in regards to me inviting friends over while he invited over whomever, whenever. It involved arguments over what type of food we had in the house, what time we ate since I wanted to eat together but he would get home "When he got home" so everything was dependent on what HE wanted. His benefits included more sex. Someone to clean up after him, someone to cook for him ... I felt used@! We'd had a great relationship prior to that but then it all fell apart. I didn't realize I wasn't ready to move in until I did and quite honestly, if we'd waited until our leases were up and moved into a "new" apartment TOGETHER it would have worked out better. By more commitment, she probably means she wants more of an EMOTIONAL commitment. She wants to know ... can you tell her for certain that this is not temporary? After four years, she's attached to you, you seem to get along well, and she would be VERY hurt and feel used and stupid and strung along as if she had wasted her time. You are not ready for that level of commitment because you want to travel the world and do for YOU and you LIKE your freedom and independence and you know you will lose what you have left of it if you marry her. So in a way, you BOTH want some freedom and Independence IF you marry her, you lose yours If she moves in without getting married, she loses HERS. When she says you "act single" I don't think she means she thinks you are cheating. She probably means that when you're not with her, you're doing things single people do or things that married people do TOGETHER only you're doing it alone. Some people believe that there are tings that are reserved for single people - spending a year abroad, for in stance. Or going out late to bars (or wherever) with your friends. Of COURSE you can both go out with friends (or have them over) without each other's permission. That's HEALTHY! You are still individuals and you need time away!Since I'm not really sure, you can ask her yourself by saying, "Allison, I don't know what you mean by 'acting single', can you give me some example?" Keep in mind that put on the Spot, she might not come up with anything, let her know that's OK and that she can think about it for awhile and bring it up when it comes up. You can say, "Allison, I realize you want more commitment so that i why I asked you to move in. I'm confused, did you have something else in mind? What are examples of more commitment?"My guess is that when she says you "act single", she means that you do things you feel like you won't be able to do when you are married.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 May 2014):
Dear OP,
In relationships, there often isn't one "right" and one "wrong". Your girlfriend wants something different than you. Or so it seems.
She would like to settle down and find someone to marry and have children with, you would like to go and explore the world and live abroad for a while.
I think it's a good thing that you both realized those different needs and wishes. It's important not to ignore this conflict, but to discuss it. It's a good thing you discover this conflict before moving in together.
Maybe you two will find a solution - one that suits the both of you - or maybe you will have to separate, because your ideas of the future are too different. I think that you two might find a good way to deal with this, if the love is strong enough.
What I want to say is, you don't need to blame anyone: Your girlfriend has her right to feel this way, and so do you. Instead of trying to "win" the argument by having her "relax" more and accept your commitment as it is, try to understand her and ask yourself if you both can make each other happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): She's probably asking herself why you can't just settle down and make long term plans. It's not a biological clock or the age difference, she's just wired differently. Some people like to have everything planned out, others prefer to take things as they come. There's nothing wrong with either one. We're all allowed to live our lives how we see fit.You feel like she's bullying you into a commitment you're not ready to make. Well, she probably feels like you're stringing her along, toying with her, giving her just enough to keep her around. As frustrated as you are with her, I'm sure she feels the same way, and her friends/family have probably heard their share of rants from her. Again, neither one of you is wrong, I just hope that this will help you look at it from her perspective.Neither one of you is going to change, nor should you. You can't expect her to change for you if you aren't willing to change for her. Maybe you two can recognize your differences and work through them together, find a compromise that you're both satisfied with. But it also may be that you're incompatible and would be better off with other people.
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