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She never returns the 'favour' for me and disrespects my feelings! Am I overeacting or not?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 February 2013) 6 Answers - (Newest, 7 February 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My lesbian partner and I have an on going issue with sex in our relationship. I always make her have an orgasm but she has never once done this for me. She swings between doing things I ask her not to do to me in the bedroom, to just lying there, and never returning the favour and pleasuring me. She usually just lies there. At first I was gentle and tried to suggest what I liked and what I didn't by guiding her hands, sending her dirty text messages, showing her things, but she kept doing the things I asked her not to. We are talking about things that turn me off quicker than an ice cold bath. I tried being a bit firmer but she still continued. Admittedly, I ended up getting quite frustrated. We would have sex, and she would be getting pleasure, and me - if anything - would get second rate sex. Most of the time, I'd get nothing. I once mentioned it again to her and she told me she had never had any complaints before, completely disregarding what I'd said to her. I am really running out of options. The arguments we have about sex have taken their toll and now it is a stressful issue for both of us, which she ironically blames me for. She has started saying she has no sex drive. However,when I initiate sex and she is having an orgasm, her sex drive comes back seemingly fine. But when it comes to pleasuring me or doing anything, the sex drive disappears again.

The other night we had a massive row about it and she told me the reason she doesn't return the favour is because her libido comes and goes quite quickly (only enough time for her apparently) and that we are different heights, I said to her had it ever crossed her mind that we could simply have sex in another position and she all but said she hadn't really given it that much fault.

I feel disrespected sexually by her and am shocked at how she seems to just disregard my feelings in the matter. Am I overreacting or is this really not on? I don't feel sexually wanted by her at all. She says she loves me. I love her too but after the other night I feel like this could be the straw that broke the camels back.

What should I do? Out of ideas.

View related questions: lesbian, libido, orgasm, sex drive, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (7 February 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntyour mind is wandering because you are not happy.

I think she's lazy sexually.... and I do not think that there is much you can do to fix that.

you have talked to her and tried to fix it and she does not want to fix it.

it's time to consider leaving if your mind is considering cheating...

either that or open the relationship to others.... going to her and asking her if that's ok may shake her up...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 February 2013):

Honeypie agony auntI think she is lazy and selfish when it comes to sex. It has nothing to do with her libido, but the fact that she doesn't seem to give 3 fucks about YOURS or your pleasure.

Sex should be tit for tat, BUT it should never be one-sided either. She SHOULD want to get you off, please you, tease you and make you happy.

This will not change, because she SIMPLY don't CARE.

My guess is that it's not just in the BED that she is selfish and lazy? Am I correct?

If I am... I would honestly dump her and find someone who is as willing as YOU are to give and receive in and out of bed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013):

When we first got together, the sex was really good and constant, as I imagine it is for most couples.

I always knew it would perhaps die down a bit, but feel as though I make the effort to keep it going and she just doesn't. She has on and off depression which she doesn't access help for.

She did manage to get herself on a therapy course after I begged her to get help, but has gone from telling me she didn't have anything to say there, to telling me she can't remember the advice they gave her.

I don't know what to believe anymore. She even had a one on one therapist (again after much persuasion) and she says she didn't actually mention to the therapist about the problems with her snapping, the sex and her general negative outlook on life.

Instead the therapist made some comments about our relationship to the tone of I was just nagging her - of course, i'm sure it would come across that way if you didn't know the full story. I forgave her for that but it was hard.

She does do a lot for us - but its clinical stuff like she manages our money and house issues.

But I do feel she has gotten lazy with the actual personal stuff in the relationship. I don't think it is to do with her depression as I feel she uses that as an excuse. i'm not saying depression doesn't exist, course it does. But I feel she does fall back on it.

She's lied to me a lot as well in the past and now gets angry when I dont trust her. There's been times I've known shes been lying to me and have asked her outright and she's just kept lying to my face. It's no wonder I don't trust her, whether that be when she comes out with an excuse about what someone had said about me behind my back, or whether it be about sex.

writing all this down, i'm aware doesn't exactly make our relationship seem great.

The only issue we don't have is with jealousy towards other women. i've had my fair share of attention from other women whilst in the relationship, all of which I have turned down because I am not like that.

But I do find my mind wandering now. I'm 99% sure I'd never act on any of it. But it's difficult when your partner doesn't seem to care about you sexually and there are women offering themselves to you. I feel like such a bitch writing that but I feel as though I am being backed in to a corner.

The turning point was the row the other night.

I've been thinking about the excuses she gave about her sex drive and I just don't accept them. It keeps going around in my head that she said she hadn't given it that much thought. I've been having this argument with her our entire relationship (2 1/2 years) and she just hasn't given it that much thought?!

Then she said she hadn't had time as she was busy sorting other stuff, like her depression.

Which I've already pointed out is b^^^^it. Her brother bought her a gym membership and an entire gym wardrobe to get her to be more active to help with the depression and she didn't go for about 5 months.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland +, writes (7 February 2013):

Cerberus agony auntUnfortunately OP this is not something you can sort out. You're not a fool OP, you wouldn't be here asking if you hadn't tried every way to sort this out but she's 100% unreceptive and while I'd love to say otherwise she just does not care about pleasing you sexually and if you ask me it sounds like she's doing her very best to make sure you don't get pleased sexually.

On a personal level I'll never understand it, I just don't get how a person can dismiss their partners sexual needs outright and not only refuse to do something about it but actively try and prevent it happening. My sexual satisfaction is innately linked to that of my partner, if she's not satisfied then I won't be either as my ability to make that happen is my favourite thing about it.

OP your partner refuses to even discuss this, when she does discuss it she makes excuses. The simple fact is, in your relationship she has never once made you cum, not only that but she has never once even tried. When you show her how, she does everything but that. When you ask her what's up she blames low sex drive, when tell her it's a problem she blames you and even goes as low as saying "I've never had any complaints", comparing you to past partners. This is not going to get fixed OP. She just doesn't give a fuck about pleasuring you and never has.

Now I can't possibly know the reasons why but it sounds like she's really not a giver at all, sexually. Some people are just like that, some people just really hate the idea of their partner getting off. I've heard of the male version of her, the guy who rolls on, bangs her for a few minutes then rolls off and goes to sleep and honestly OP the excuses and pattern are all the same. Firstly they don't think of it on their own sexually pleasing people is not something they care about, secondly they refuse to even see it as an issue, thirdly they get defensive and try to make it sound like you're attacking them (which is bullshit), fourthly when that doesn't work they blame the woman they're with and finally it can turn sour and to them attacking and even if they relent they always make it sound like a chore and make it seem they're doing it out of spite.

At a very basic level it's just sexual incompatibility and I'm sorry but I have to completely disagree with Blonde30's. Without sexual satisfaction you have a friendship not a relationship and for a person who is doing everything possible to avoid doing that for you, doing what Blonde suggests is just going to play in her hands and just not going to change. If anything it will make it seem like you've caved and just accepted that she's unwilling to do this.

While I'm not a fan of sex as a weapon, I do not think one partner should be getting pleasure while the other isn't so I recommend stopping in those circumstances but frankly I think she'd be fine with that and you'd still be sexually frustrated.

The only advice I can give you OP is to have one more serious discussion with her. Despite all the love you have, despite everything good you have together she needs to know that unless you find a solution to this then this relationship is leaving you dissatisfied and the lack of sexual pleasure is making you unhappy. She needs to know without some form of change on this issue then you can't see how you have any kind of happy future as anything other than friends, because without sex that's all you have.

OP it's time she understood how very serious this is and that it will be the end of this relationship if things don't change. Assuming of course you're not just going to give up on the idea and just forgo being sexually satisfied just to stay with her.

I wouldn't and I have left relationships where there was no sexual compatibility. I made the mistake of staying before she was a great companion, I loved her, we clicked really well and had a great time in general. But lack of sex just ate away at me and she always made it sound like I was a selfish bastard only thinking of myself, or why do I keep trying to hurt her by saying she's crap in bed etc. I never said any of those things, just that once a fortnight and no oral, ever was not enough. It never changed OP, and it became the spoiler of our otherwise great relationship, I basically learned that love is not enough, sex is fundamental and non-negotiable, I'm not happy without it.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (7 February 2013):

blonde30s agony auntsorry to hear about your problem but i just read it and started to think, what is the r.ship like with you both in other areas. take away sex forget that for a moment but whats it like together in the r.ship about anything else. do you both make each other happy and have things in common like a hobby etc family and friends do you enjoy going out different places together. is there any love and romance in the r.ship and by that i dont mean sex i just mean hugs support, gifts, kind words to each other, romantic night in with a bath and candles together with a meal after that she may cook one time and you the next. cinema and a drink or a meal out. lots of hugs on the sofa with a good film. lots of things in your life you enjoy together alone and also with other people. if your inlove with her and trust her and shes always there for you so the r.ship is good then think positive that there is more to a good honest r.ship then just sex. ok sex is part of it you wish to sort out but we all like different things and she doesnt have much of a sex drive which would make it worse if you have a go at her about this all the time. i think start on talking to her nicely and dont moan about sex etc and talk feelings over with her, understand and support each other feelings then take things slowly from there. go out and have a romantic evening all that sort of thing and im sure without pressure the rest will fit into place.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013):

Well then simply dont pleasure her until she gives you what you want or dont do things she likes, so she gets the message.

Sounds like you are treated as the doormat, used when needed.

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