A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive been married 13 years, have 2 children. my wife has been very good to me all 13 years. but never thought in a 1,000,000 years this would happen to me.. I feel like my marriage was nothing but a fairytale. So this is what happened, when I first met her she told me she was with only 1 sexual partner. I moved on and fell in love and married her. Come to find out, 13 years later from a person I ran into at the gym thatUsed to date her when she was a teenager. Anyways I talked to her about it. She was very nervous. I told her I will still love her no matter what she says to me.She told me everything from what I know..from One guy it went too. FIVE!!All 5 of her sexual partners were black guys. Honestly I love her, but I don't fucking feel normal around her anymore.Im only the white person shes ever dated and married..Why the fuck did she choose me?Thats how I strongly feel. All she says is that she was a dumb teenager and it was her surroundings..that was never her and grew out of it and never wanted to talk about it with anyone..even me.But I dont feel that way, I feel she has lied to me and was very dishonest, just so I would marry her..Now Im the one with the issue?I'm the bad guy? I'm the 1 that has a problem? My life has changed, honestly I'm not even prejudice.But I don't feel the same around black guys at work at the gym, or anywhere I go. I get these messed up sexual images in my head.It drives me up the wall.. What did I do to deserve this? If I leave her my 2 boys will grow up to hate their dad because I left their mom?Please help!! I Cant live like this! I used to be a very happy person before all this.. Every person has a right to choose who they wanna be with based on the truth..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Im the person with the post..
Just want to say thank you.
I have decided to leave my wife, not because im prejudice
Or insecure.
But from her dishonesty . Its hard to trust someone who holds something like that from you for 13 years.
but I have definitely learned something from this.
That no one knows what it feels like to be in my shoes but me.
The female post from april 6th. No one says it better then you. Thank you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Doc H here;
Friend, first ignore the trolls- they will make up what they want to think to make you the bad guy.
Firstly, I apologize but I didn't notice anything about your own sexual past mentioned (most users will make assumptions one way or another). You should disclose this, AND evaluate how this would weigh on why you are upset.
Your options (once you decide exactly why you are upset by this- aside from her lying to you, that is) are simply to
1- try to get over it (but only if you think you DEFINITELY can- not 'I will try' or you will simply both suffer
2- end the relationship (kids do not 'hate' their parents for leaving- except ones who weren't very nice to begin with, sorry to say.
3- not something many will agree, but could be therapeutic- perhaps to have an affair WITH a black woman yourself? But only if you don't bring it up AND you think you can move on from it after.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I'm appauled that this has turned into an ugly race issue:This is NOT about race: it is about the wifes lies and halftruths... It is about the wife deliberately hoodwinking the OP. I am so sick and tired :when an OP opens up his heart about his wife's sexual past and her lies he gets torn apart by people who have not walked in his shoes. OP I will tell you this: investigate your wife: you have every right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. What else is your wife hiding? Has she been faithful all the while you both have been married? Can you trust her? As for your kids: you know you love them. If you choose to leave the liar wife don't feel bad: u have a heart to heart with your kids and they will understand. No one will blame you: if you do decide to leave make certain you do your bit to rear them well. You don't owe anyone any explanation . You do what is right for you!!!LoveGirl
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female
reader, Echo85  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 I don't entirely understand. Is the problem that she slept with more people than you thought, or is it that she slept with people of a different race?
It seems to me that it is the latter, in which case you should have no problem. She slept with five guys she was attracted to, not five 'black' guys! (shouldn't even come into it.) And then she fell in love with you. She's been a great wife.
What difference does any of this make?
I hope she forgives you for what you are putting her through.
Good luck
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (5 April 2012):
 it is your business you are married to her. this subject has been turned around to race, prejudiced, and if you had others also. the subject is your wife deceived you , she lied and it hurts you. you thought you was marring a woman that told you she had been with one man, but 13 years later you find out she had been with 5 others. you are hurt because she was with other men , black , white , yellow , purple. you are hurt because she deceived you for the past 13 years. you are hurt because you wonder in the back of your mind what else is she keeping from you. you love her, and you have two kids. it will take time to regain trust. she is more than likely ashamed , and regrets her past . because she regrets her past, she did not want to take a chance of losing you, and lied about it. she knew you was the one she wanted to spend her life with. i am sure if she could go back and redo her past she would. it will be up to you to extend forgiveness when you are able. you will need to set down and ask if she has any more secrets to hide from you , and rebuild trust, and love. she lied to you because she loved you and did not want to lose you. even though it was wrong.
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female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (5 April 2012):
 You're surprised that you're the only white guy she's dated and married? Dude, she loved you, and married you. You just happened to be the first white guy she dated, and she happened to like you enough to want to marry you.
And honestly, I'm she wasn't your first love either, so you can't really complain.
It's really none of your business who she loved before you, because you are the one she loves now.
The only worry you should have is if they had any STDs and gave them to her, but obviously, she would have told you, unless she's a moron, but she doesn't seem like a moron to me. So obviusly she didn't get any STDs she could give to you. Therefore, you have NOTHING to be upset about.
And really, like the other aunts have said, that is definitely racism, how you worded everything. You really should try to get over that unfortunate ailment of the mind. If you do, you'll live a much happier life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Maybe your wife was waiting for the right time to tell you when she thought you could handle it...to tell you she had 5 blacks guys before your time... because she know you are prejudice, so if you really want to get over this, then start loving every race!!! Maybe you need to come up out of the 50's and 60's because there's black and white couple everywhere you go. NOW.. you don't feel the same around black guys because it's in your mind the black guy has a big one, well my brother don't fool yourself because I know some white guys with a big one... and bare in mind, it's not what you got... it how you use what you got!!! You really needs to get over it, we all have a pass, we all have lied at some point in life.I find it really hard to believe you put your wife thru this. She didn't tell you because she knew you would act a fool just like you are right now,,,you're all stressed out about some petty stuff happen before your time.And for the most part you need to stay away from thay guy at the gym that told you all this garbage, he's nothing but trouble and trying to wrecked your happy home.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): It seems to me it's quite normal to be disappointed and upset about your wife's lies. But try to figure out how much of it is driven by her dishonesty, and how much of it is your own insecurity?
My wife told me about her prior sex partners, how huge one of them was, how much she loved it, etc. I got married to her anyway, but I can't say that it felt wonderful to hear about her past experiences (I asked, so I can't really complain). Would you really feel that much different about her if she'd been honest about her past up front?
I'm not saying what she did was OK, or that you shouldn't feel the way you do. But, you have to think about the reality of the situation you are in now, not what might have been.
I can't prove this, but I tend to think that most women lie at least to some extent about their sexual pasts. If you get divorced, your most likely options will be women who've been with a lot more than 5 men. Does it really matter if the woman you're with has had sex with other men 200 times, 500 times, or 5,000 times?
Almost any woman you're likely to meet will effectively have had almost infinite sexual experience, and will probably lie about it if she thinks it will bother you.
My advice is just to accept the fact that your wife isn't exactly who you thought she was, but she's probably no worse than any other woman you're likely to meet.
If she's been with you for 13 years, it's hard to see how the other guys could have been especially wonderful. But, even if (big if) they were, it can't possibly be very important to her or she wouldn't have picked you and stayed with you for 13 years.
It's hard to avoid getting emotional about it, but these types of things tend to sort themselves out over a period of time. She's apparently figured out what she really wants now, and it's you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Question:
had she been with 5 white guys would that have been ok?
Second Question:
has she told you that she had done this before you married her and had two beautiful children and over a decade of a great marriage would you have married her?
Third Question:
do you think that punishing her for telling the truth will prevent her from being truthful about other things in the future?
let's be honest, EVEN if you DON'T get past this (what's to be forgiven is the LIE not the actions btw) you will forever be tied to this woman due to your sons.
I wish that at 29 I had the forethought to figure a bunch of things out and try to make my first marriage work.... I didn't. I couldn't.... think LONG and HARD about what you want to do.... what you can and cannot live with
and think long and hard about what the REAL issue is...
the lie? (for me that's the big issue)
the sex with others?
the sex with men of a different race?
what if it was sex with women?
you need to figure out first and foremost and HONESTLY WHAT exactly it is about this situation that's hurting you so badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Im not sure why there is such a problem. It was 5. Not 50.
It doesn't matter if they were black, white, yellow or purple people. She fell in love with YOU and married you. She has been with you for 13 years and you are the father of her children. Doesn't that say more?
A lot of men get uncomfortable about how many men their girlfriends have been with. It is fine for a man to be with 5, 10, 20 or more. Yet completely different for a woman.
First, i think you need to get over it. This is not the end of the world. She lied. A fib. She was probably thinking she'd just tell a white lie not to hurt your ego.
Here's a question - how many women have you been with?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Sorry just noticed something in question I didn't yesterday.
"I told her I will still love her no matter what she says to me."
Was that a lie? Or did you really mean it? Because that there is a big ass lie if it was a lie. What makes you think she can trust you enough to confide in you if you go back on what you said there. The very reason she didn't tell you is because she was afraid of losing you, you tell her that's not going to happen to get her to tell you, are you really going to go back on that?
OP if 13 great years, plus the years you together before that, plus the two kids you have now and the fact you know that you can have so many more great years ahead of you in the future once you've gotten over this is not enough to make you fight to get over something neither of you can change then I don't know what is.
The only thing I can tell you is not to make any life altering decisions while your head is this messed up, at least give it some time to sink in, at least give it time to settle before you make any decisions. You really don't want to have to face your kids as adults in the future and tell them you broke up their family because their mom had relationships before you. I can't possibly see how they would accept you putting all that pain and sadness on them for something you will get over. Do you really want to wake up one day and realize that her past really didn't have any bearing on how good a wife she was and it no longer matters to you having lost your family?
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I was a virgin when I met my husband. He knew this, and while it wouldn't have ended our relationship if I wasn't a virgin when we began dating, it sure as Hell would end things now that we're married.As far as her lie goes, I think it was unfair of her to keep that from you. It doesn't necessarily have to do with the number of people, but just the fact that she felt she needed to keep it from her future husband. If my husband told me now that he had more than two sexual partners (which is what he's told me), I wouldn't be able to let it go. Why would he feel he would need to keep it from me if he didn't feel he had anything to lose? Why would your wife keep information like that from you if she didn't feel like it would change something about your relationship with her? You married her under false pretenses. That's not fair to you at all.People are right in that you should consider the severity of the situation and how you deal with it. Fifteen years or a happy marriage and two children is a lot to give up, but you're not the one who chose to hide something from the woman you chose to spend your life with. She says that she didn't tell anyone about it, but I doubt a lot of people were intimate with your wife as you are. Sexual history and honesty about that history is a big deal for a lot of people. When that information is given as a half-truth or an outright lie, it oftentimes ruins the sense of trust that has been built up for years between couples, married or not.You're not wrong in feeling the way that you do. You're also not wrong for feeling that your marriage, as good as it has been, has been based on a lie. Regardless of whether or not it would have changed your opinion of her in the beginning, she didn't give you the opportunity to decide that for yourself.You need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you will be able to forgive her for her lie. If you will be able to completely forgive her without holding it against her in the future. Ever. If you will ever be able to make love to her again without thinking of these other men that she's been with. If you can't see any of this happening, then you need to leave her. While this lie of hers was not fair to you, you need to let this go or let her go to be fair to her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Oh, for goodness sake!!!! Most people have several partners before settling down. If your like most guys and watch porn, you can't complain. Women feel compared ALL THE TIME.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Therain said:
"Maybe she just didn’t want to tell you because she didn’t feel like been judged for something she sees nothing wrong of, but knows others are gone bully her in to feeling it was wrong"
Wait a minute. Something that "SHE sees nothing wrong of"?!? Since when does she have the right to decide how someone else should feel about her actions? Or about anything else?
You have the right to make your own choices. But you don't get to dictate how other people should feel about them later. Try accepting some responsibility for your actions.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 April 2012):
Whats the issue here OP? racism, the number 5?, or the lie?
The only thing you have a right to be mad about is the lie. What she did or let guys do to her as a teenager obviously didn't damage her as she is such a good wife. Maybe it helped her to she what a good guy you are?
But the lie - well its not the most serious lie but as the aunts and uncles have been saying on another thread, lies have a habit of being found out. She was virtually a child then, and now as an adult you ask for the truth..... maybe we should be careful doing that if we are not prepared for the answer?
You love her, and part of loving is forgiving. Try it, it will make you love stronger. The truth you heard from her was a shock for you, that is understood - like many shocks when something bad happens, an accident, someone dies, etc, it screws a knot in your stomach. I know, I have been there too. As far as I know there is no remedy for this pain except time. What happened was long ago before she knew you - you need to get this in perspective. Remember when you first met and were madly in love? and if she had said there's something I did years ago that was dumb and I regret? would you really have dumped her on the roadside? I expect not. More likely you would have said Its ok I love you!
The pain you feel is the love you have for her - if you didn't love her you wouldn't hurt. Now please go out and buy her a present and remind her how much you love her. Make love with her like you never have before, and remember how lucky you are to be loved by such a beautiful woman. And please come back and apologise for the racist comment, that is not the issue.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 April 2012):
 To leave your two boys over you are destroying three lies, a much bigger sin than lying about a race issue, or is this a number issue for you. Your capitol is 60% black, and in some neighborhoods that percentage can go up to 90%, in some areas it's a good mixing bowl. Yes I lived there and I don't know what this fuss is about. I just feel bad that she has to be ashamed of it, and I feel bad for black people that for some woman she has to feel sorry about her experience with them.
Sorry using this quote like cerberus did.
Every person has a right to choose who they wanna be with based on the truth..
So the truth is that having slept with 5 black guys make her a slut? Does sleeping with 5 asian guys make her less of a slut? Let me tell you black penises are not bigger. Black guys are not any more dominant. Most of them are not mandingos as portrayed on blacksonwhites.com. So you were sure that if you heard that this is what she did then she is never going to be marriage material?
She could have married a black guy and it won't make any difference as long as two people loved each other dearly.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 April 2012):
I believe the past is a predictor of the future, and IMO you have every right to know the sexual past of someone you are going to marry.
Even if you dont agree with that, she has no right to lie about it. At best, she could have said something to the effect of "the past is the past" and let him decide if he needs it or not.
I have lost count of how many "I cant believe this is true about my husband/wife of X years" posts I read here. Moral of the story - make damn sure you know everything you need to know before marriage and surely before kids. Its the single most important decision of your life - treat it as such - as informed as possible.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Why not get rid of your racism to begin with? That would be a good beginning.
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male
reader, West228 +, writes (3 April 2012):
Actually I disagree with that. Her past is your business especially in the beginning of the relationship! I would want to know where my wife/girlfriend had been for health reasons. I mean if my girlfriend had been with a dirty guy I'd have the right to know and so do you man. Its kind of bs that she lied to you and that's what id focus on. Because if she gonna lie to you about past sex partners which to me isn't a big deal. Then what else will she lie about. Then again it seems she wanted to forget that part of her life and move on which is understandable and you should do the same my man. Stay with her you love her right? If you love someone you stay with them no matter what (unless they cheat but she didn't) So what she had a past sure some were probably bigger than you and maybe better, but honestly most women don't care about size and skill they just fall in love with a guy and unlike guys sex is usually not on the mind of women 24/7. So just get over it man my girl has been with 2 guys before me 1 bigger and 1 smaller but I got over it. It took some time because it does hurt your pride a little but I wouldn't waste a 13 year long marriage over this its just silly. Good Luck tho man I hope you guys work it out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Listen, the Justice League will be here soon to tell you that you don't have the right to judge women for their past. Whatever you do DON'T let ANYONE convince you that this is your problem. Not even for a fucking minute. She knew and she lied.
Like you said, every person has a right to choose who they wanna be with based on the truth.
And the only truth I see is that you're married to a liar.
The choice isn't easy but I have to say what I'd do: I'd divorce her. There isn't a single doubt about it in my mind.
Good luck. You'll need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Here just to give you a bit of perspective and see you're not wrong. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/just-found-out-my-wife-lied-to-me.html
Look it may seem like the end of the world but quite frankly her past is none of your business OP. You weren't there, it has nothing to do with you and if you have a good relationship with her, if this is the only major thing you feel is wrong with your relationship,then you will fight through this.
Unlike that other poor fecker your wife has been very good to you, so it boils down to which is more likely: A. She goes back in time and undoes her silly teenage mistakes or B. You take it one day at a time, you own this pain and suffer it for as long as it takes for it to subside because OP, it will subside, trust me on that.
Which is it OP? Which does she deserve A or B?
"Every person has a right to choose who they wanna be with based on the truth."
Oh yeah? Well this lie she told gave you 13years of a beautiful marriage to a woman who has been "very good" and two beautiful sons. Is that really such an unforgivable lie that would rather they were never born? That the past 13 years never happened?
If you could go back and time and warn yourself what advice would you give yourself? "Listen kiddo, this woman has slept with 5 black guys stay away from her she will lie about it." or would you tell yourself "listen buddy, this girl has slept with 5 black guys but she's going to lie and say she's only had one previous partner, but you know what? That's okay because she will give you 13 years of the best years you will ever have, two beautiful sons and she lied about it because she wanted you so bad that no one else in past matters and she would do anything to have you"
A or B OP. Fight to get over this which you will, or walk away and when are over this without her look back and think to yourself "what the fuck was I thinking?"
Just don't blame yourself for feeling this way and don't treat her badly while you're working through this and for fuck sake don't be an idiot that thinks knowing more details will make things better, they won't.
Stay strong and fight to become that happily married man again, it will happen.
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female
reader, Sinful_thinker89 +, writes (3 April 2012):
 If she dated 5 white guys would you feel the same? The problems seems to be more in you than her. I can understand she was dishonest but you can be mad about something that happened way before your time.
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female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (3 April 2012):
 You say you're not prejudiced, yet you freak out that they're BLACK.
Five guys? Are you kidding me? That's pretty goddamn average. Honestly I don't think you care that you lied to her, I think you're using that to justify how you feel about you, you're clearly just angry about how many guys she's slept with.
So. Does she sleeping with four more other guys suddenly change her character? Does what she did in the past somehow magically change who she is now? I doubt you married her because she only slept with one guy, and if you did, that's pretty fucked up, and you have some severe insecurity issues.
You say she's been very good to you, you want to throw a good thing away because of the past? REALLY? You seriously thinking of leaving over something so goddamn petty, it's not like she cheated on you.
She trusted you enough to tell you something she never wanted to tell anyone, and you respond by leaving her? REALLY?
The only thing that's running through your mind is, oh no she slept with a bunch of black guys, oh god she's a slut how could she, oh no i must be inadequate.
Well, one. You aren't Inadequate, she MARRIED YOU. If she wanted a black guy so bad, she would have married one.
You have to realize this is all in your goddamn head, nothing has changed, just you being insecure. She's still a good loving wife, who trusts you, and is faithful to you.
On the topic of your sons, she's going to have custody of them, and they're going to hear her cry over you leaving her, her being the parent they're around the most, chances are they'll be in her favor, you'll grow out of touch with them, becoming weekend dead.
Do you really want to lose all that over the GODDAMN PAST WHICH IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT?
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