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Shall I tell them to stop setting me up?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This happens to me constantly, and it always puts me in an awkward position.

I am never interested in the guy they've chosen for me, and then I feel guilty a.) because I feel I'm disappointing the friend who is doing the setting up, and b.) I feel bad for the guy, who is usually super interested in me.

Often, these are live set ups, where they keep telling the guy I'm single and gloating over how hot and accomplished I am... and I don't like the guy at all. It is strange how I can sit at a party, enjoying myself, minding my own business, not complaining about being single even one little bit, and still have people do this to me! In fact, I now have insomnia because this just happened to me again tonight.

Is it rude for me to preemptively ask my friends not to try to set me up unless I express interest in the other person?

It's gotten so bad and so prevalent, that I'm tempted to become a hermit just to avoid it! Like, leave me alone!!!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntTalk to them and ask them to stop. They probably have your best interests at heart but just be honest with them and tell them out uncomfortable it makes you feel.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (20 April 2017):

Ciar agony auntNot rude at all. In fact I'd say it was long overdue given how rude THEY have been putting you and some hapless man in a very awkward position.

Be honest and upbeat, but firm and keep it brief (but not curt). Don't get into explanations and examples. They just water down your point.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

I was single and celibate for more than a year after my partner passed-away. I was in a relationship so long, I forgot what dating was all about. Yeah, people tried to set me up with their gay-male relatives and other "gay-friends." It was always awkward, creepy, or I wanted to jump out of my skin! They were good-looking in most cases; but just not they kind of guys I'd choose on my own. All we had in-common was being gay!

Before you clobber them over the head with ingratitude; remember they are only doing it because they care.

Just tell them how you honestly feel. You have had bad experiences being set-up and enjoy being single. That's what I did. Sometimes, it's not for you; but someone else they are looking-out for. They hold you in the highest regard. My oldest-brother was introduced to his wife through a co-worker. They've been married for the last 40 years!

Describe for them precisely your type. Let them know that anything falling short of that just won't cut it. I noticed that my gay-friends never set me up with anyone they'd want for themselves; so I know what you mean about all those rejects and goobers they roll your way. They can't perceive you having something they don't! No matter how much they love us! I met a surgeon, friend of a friend. We dated. He was hot and brilliant; but turned out to be a total nut-case. I couldn't tell my friend why I didn't want another date. AWKWARD!!! Dude had a weird fetish! I mean sitcom material, girlfriend!

Some cold and lonely night, you will feel the isolation; and wish you had a date. Good, bad, or in-between! So go easy!

Just be honest and tell them that they haven't set you up with the type of guys you like. You know they mean well, but they are also placing you in the position of having to let the guy down by rejecting him.

You can also flat-out say NO THANKS! If they try to ambush you on-the-spot; get-up and leave them with egg on their faces. I had to do that once myself. He was a toad and a lush, and I was not sure what they were thinking! Bitches!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHow rude! And I don't mean YOU, I mean your "friends". If you have turned down guy after guy, would you not think they would question whether what they are attempting to do is right? Do they have no empathy? Why would friends put you in such an awkward position time after time? Just so they could say "I got those two together"?

Firstly, do NOT feel guilty. YOU have had no say in this. You cannot find these men attractive or desirable just to please your friends.

Secondly, TELL them in words they will understand that you do NOT want them to keep doing this to you and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they still persist, I would be looking for new friends.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOh goodness YES, tell them: "enough don't try and set me up, please!"

Be honest with your friends. Tell them you KNOW they mean well but they REALLY don't know what you ARE looking for or IF you are even looking at the moment and you feel it's unfair to the men they keep throwing at you as you haven't seen a single one that sparked interest.

I have gone on a couple of "blind dates "that friends set up - I think in "pity" and they were bad bad choices that made me wonder WTF my friends thought of my taste in men LOL

Just tell them. And OP, it's OK for you to say NO, thanks, I'm NOT interested IF they still try. You are after all old enough to know how to say no, right?

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