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He misunderstood what I was trying to say and ended things

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 April 2017)
A female Canada age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear everyone

Dating has never been an easy option for me, I always tend to push men away from me, the last man I had feelings for I told him we have a week left to spend together , he got frustrated and started accausing me of things that aren't any close to reality, he accused me of meeting other men and he refused to believe me when I told him that this wasn't true, the next day I asked him out for lunch he said he won't come even though I really insisted , he says he fell in love with me and that I was planning from the beginning for that to happen and then to cut him off , which again isn't true, it's just not easy for me to date , and when someone gets close with me I push them away but I do want them in my life and as lovers but at the same time I don't want to feel pressured . Anyway so following his refusal he messaged me telling me that this is the only way he can get over me is by not seeing me, I told him stuff that I probably shouldn't have told him like he's insecure and self centred and all be cares about is himself , now we haven't talked at all in a week and I really miss him but I feel he doesn't wanna talk to me or could he ? But I feel terrible and want to apologize but I don't want him to think I'm clingy or weak. Btw before passing any judgements, I'm not an insecure person I'm very well secure with myself but dating others make me insecure , it makes me feel like if I don't measure up to a certain "dating concept" then the man I'm in love with wouldn't wanna be with me , which happened in this case , so I don't really know whether he's worth it or shall I just let him go in peace

View related questions: fell in love, insecure

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (21 April 2017):

CassieMosswing agony auntThat guy is a ass and a drama queen. When I read your speech I didn't think you were pushing people away type, You seem to be taking things slowly and not pressurised. That childish guy had to jump into conclusions and who would want a guy who is insecure and lacks trust in you? You're better off binning him. He's garbage!. I do agree that you need to work on your self confidence if you feel like your not meeting any mans expectations.

It's the opposite he couldn't meet your expectations because he's expectations aren't a match for yours. All he ever did was whine when you don't want to be pressured into doing things much in a relationship, He should show compassion and understanding not throw his toys out of the pram.

Practice self care and then focus on finding a new relationship when your ready.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

Just msg him one last time apologise and say you miss him and want to see him and see what he says ...2 stubborn people can mean more hard work but it can be worth it

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

You left out a few adjectives regarding that guy; like weird, overbearing, sappy, and possessive.

The element that is most needed and least regarded in too many relationships is "patience." Everybody wants what they want in an instant. Feelings take time to take hold, and then the mind has to discern what type of feelings you have for someone. Is it platonic, is it romantic; maybe it's only lust? Patience is a virtue and a positive-attribute that certainly exists; but is seldom applied to our daily lives.

The Dalai Lama says: "Patience guards us against losing our presence of mind so we can remain undisturbed, even when the situation is really difficult."

He seems very immature, and he was pushing you. Don't fault yourself about pushing people away; if they're coming on like gangbusters. You need time to get acquainted and sort out your feelings. You must measure the chemistry, and evaluate who the hell you're attaching your feelings to.

You're very young; so you're just getting a taste of life yet to come. You are only inexperienced. I don't think insecurity applies in the case you've described. You have your reasons that some guys you've met, you've pulled away from. In your gut, you felt something wasn't right. You just assumed it's just one of your own personal-flaws or quirks.

You may have highly developed instincts that give you the ability to know right off-hand if the guy just isn't right.

Your fight or flee instincts kick-in; because you haven't really found one that has given you reason to pause.

He'll come along, and you won't be able to let him go so easily. The right chemistry just will not let it happen, no matter how much you try to sabotage it. You'll want him bad enough to defy your own impulse to push him away. At first, I did the same damn thing to the guy I've been with now for the past four years! So I feel you on this one, girlfriend!

So don't completely discard this perceptiveness; and misinterpret it for passing premature judgement, insecurity, or being dismissive. You're picky! Just don't be too picky!

Keep things in perspective.

Just learn to tame it, and use it with common-sense and patience. Give a guy a chance to prove himself; while giving yourself time to sort out your feelings for the guy. Don't be be afraid to let them out. In order to make a connection with a guy, there has to be some vulnerability on both sides. There will always be risks. You learn from your mistakes, they shouldn't make you gun-shy or too defensive.

That guy may have been well worth a shot, but he behaved too childishly for it to last very long. Guys can be clingy too, and he is too infatuated. You have to look out for the types that idolize you and place you up on a pedestal. It's hard living up to their false-image of perfection. One mistake, and you fall from grace. They'll turn on you, just like he did.

Avoid the types who are captivated by your appearance; everything they feel is below the waist. Forget patience; they'll just dump you for not putting-out.

Stop belittling yourself for good instincts. Just take it easy and couple your ability to be selective with patience. That allows a good guy enough time to demonstrate he is the right guy; and then you won't dump him before you know exactly why. Or pull-away when you do see he's a good guy.

Don't burden yourself with the unsubstantiated fear you're not able to meet any guy's expectations. You're on even-footing until you get to know each other and determine if it's a suitable match.

You've got to give and take, sweetie!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntLet him go and work on yourself.

If you can't "help" yourself pushing people away you need to work on that, you will end up with a long string of miserable semi-relationships.

As for him to accuse you of seeing someone else, well it's neither here nor there. Nor does it REALLY matter.

You are sabotaging the relationship ALL by yourself. Figure out why and how to work on it.

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