A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi everyone,I'm 28 and in an intercultural, inter-racial relationship with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He is Egyptian muslim (33 years old) and I am white British liberal muslim. We're both doctors. I've not met his siblings (2 sisters) except for his brother who is a real ladies man. My boyfriend has told me that he has told his mother about me but I've never met her. His father died when he was younger so he is the man of the family. I've been sooooo unhappy for the whole of this year as I have watched all of my friends get married, buy houses and plan their lives while I wait around in limbo with him. As a result I have taken it out on him numerous times and we've had lots of 'where is this going' relationship talks. The last one was 2 months ago when I had another 'breakdown' about the lack of direction of our relationship. I told him that he needed to make a decision about whether he wanted us to meet his mum and get married or split up as the uncertainty at the moment was making me really unhappy. I want to marry him so the ball is entirely in his court. He is also unhappy with the situation. He always has other things on his mind - family, work, his house etc but he says that he does think about me when we're apart. He told me that we should re-visit the conversation in a year which I wasn't happy with as I feel I'm being strung along. So he said that we should re-visit it at the end of September.I really want us to get married and progress as our careers are now sorted and I see marriage as the next step in our lives. He says that he wants to get married too but he needs his mum's blessing first and she hates me for being white and not Egyptian! In my mind I vowed not to have sex from the time of our last conversation until we re-visited it at the end of September so that my judgement wouldn't be affected by it. And... I kept it up even over his birthday on 15th Sept until last night when we did have sex. I had made it clear to him that I didn't want to have sex by refusing his advances since our last conversation and this morning I was very upset with myself for letting it happen. I was very grumpy with him and he apologized even though I'm not sure that he knows why he is apologizing. I said that he hadn't upset me of course as I didn't want to explain the sex thing to him over the phone. I just told him that I was upset that I had to leave and go back home for another week or so until I see him again. I don't know now if I need to explain to him why I was upset. It seems silly now but I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy for being randomly grumpy???I will see him sometime this week. He is doing his last night shift tonight and has next week off. He will probably visit on tues or on the weekend we will go away somewhere for a mini-break. I just don't know what to do at all now. I'm still very unhappy as things are. Shall I initiate another 'where is this going conversation' and if he is not budging then accept that the relationship has no future and split with him or do I wait until he brings it up??? I don't think I can carry on as it is because I am often generally grumpy with him because of these underlying issues. I suspect he won't bring 'our future' up and if I do he will tell me that I will meet his mum at some random date in the future and try to re-assure me as he has done in all of these conversations in the past. I just have no idea what the best thing is to do here. I'm totally confused and lost! How do I even bring this up with him again? It's getting boring and we never seem to get anywhere, it's a stalemate!!I thought people were just supposed to fall in love and get married... simple, all these complications are making me so upset! :( thanks for your help and advice
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 YOU decide where you go from here, and that to me seems to be right out the door and on to a new chapter in your life. You've put yourself on the shelf for a guy who can never be what you want in a partner. You are suffering because you choose to continue the relationship. I have no other advice to offer you, other than to suggest that you are pretty well your own worst enemy.
Life will go on without him and you will meet other people and you can survive the loss of the relationship. People survive and can even thrive after losses like that. You are hanging onto it for a reason. I think the best thing for you to do is to examine, in a psychologist's or therapist's office, WHY you are putting yourself through the pain.
Sorry he doesn't qualify as Prince Charming and that fairy tale isn't going to come true with him in the co-starring role. Start by thinking clearly and recognizing when you are wishful-thinking. Make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor/psychologist and start on the path to self-healing. The sooner you start, the sooner your bright new future begins.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, a1sha +, writes (1 January 2012):
a1sha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, on re-reading this I feel so pathetic. Can you believe I'm still in the same situation?? It was nye last night and I spent most of it crying bc of my frustration with the situation we are in. And once again I have stopped taking my pill to stop having sex while he decides where we go from here. He's really angry and hurt that I am rejecting him for sex. I love him but now I really am moody every time I meet him and I'm nagging and starting arguments about this every time as well. He's not cruel to me, in fact he's very kind and caring towards me. Our relationship was good and really fun once but now it's a mess and we're both really stressed. I think I got carried away with the marriage topic and forgot to enjoy being happy with him. It's really sad :( My friends say I should break up and so did you guys months ago but I just find it so hard to do. He keeps asking if I want to and I say no and lay on the guilt factor really heavily again. It's getting me nowhere. He's never going to marry me. But he says he loves me and he wants to marry me and bc of that I can't let him go yet. I'm finding it really hard but I can't have another year like last year. It was awful. Sorry for the disappointing and depressing update. I'm so pathetic to still be here with nothing changed, I really am. I'm so sorry everyone! X
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 December 2011):
I was just wondering how things went for you! Thanks for the follow up!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
This strategy that I've laid out will address this comment he made: He told me that men do not like to discuss things, they just decide and move on whereas girls like to discuss every last detail.
So stop discussing (he's not listening, he hears it as begging or nagging-, just DECIDE and move on! That'll rock him back on his heels, lol.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
Re-reading the post, I'd tell him that you expect to meet his mother by the end of October. If this doesn't happen, then break up with him. Make it clear this is IT, then sit back and wait to see if he makes it happen. If he does nothing and you don't meet his mother then *poof* you are back on the dating market. He is back in the dating pool and will have to ask you out and court you in competition with other suitors. No sex with him, at all, unless there is a proposal and a date set for the wedding. He can ask you out on dates but he has no special status and no guarantee that you will be available.
You are 28, you are a doctor, you have loads to offer someone who does want to get married and have a family. There's nothing weird or unusual about your life goals and dreams.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
Hi there, I read your followup and had to chime in (late) to the discussion. First of all, I have met many international couples, they do work, IF there's a willingness and openness on both sides.
I think after 2 1/2 years together, he knows if he's going to marry you or not. My guess is not, as he keeps throwing in obstacles to the wedding and isn't taking positive action to work through them. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, perhaps it's a personal thing, but the point I'd like to make is that it doesn't really matter what his issue is, you have a reasonable expectation to resolve this one way or the other.
I had a guy who wasn't sure either, I gave him a year's notice that I wanted a decision by the end of that year. I gave him 6 and 3 months warnings and we did finally reach the end of that year. I broke up with him, sadly but knowing I was doing the best thing for myself. Within a week, all his mental obstacles had dissolved and he was panicking that he had lost me for good.
I relied very heavily on friends and family for support as I implemented my final ultimatum, because I knew I was serious. Either we take the next step, or I was back on the dating market. Period. End of.
The blueprint was based on a book I would recommend to you: "A Fine Romance: the passage of courtship from meeting to marriage" by Judith Sills, PhD. It dates back to the 80s, there are loads of inexpensive used copies out there on the used book market.
I would suggest you decide YOUR timeline, let him know what that is, and then implement it. Be prepared to be sad, be prepared to be let down. Gather your support around you and go for it.
You deserve to know if this relationship is going down the road to marriage, or not. Nothing you are asking is unreasonable or crazy. You've been with him for 2 1/2 years, after all.
Decide for yourself what works for YOU. He can either decide if his framework fits in or not but then you will have taken back your power and control of your own destiny.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, a1sha +, writes (26 September 2011):
a1sha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,Thanks so much for all of your answers. They have been very helpful. We went away this weekend and I decided that we needed to have the talk. He seemed to not have thought about our dilemma at all since our last talk so I got angry with him and told him that I was extremely disappointed with this. I told him all of the reasons why I need him to make a decision about our future (I feel we are both getting older and need to start planning our families etc) and told him that I will not wait forever. He said very little during the 'conversation' and seemed to decide during it that I will meet his mother in the next month.The next day I felt that we had not really discussed our plans so I kept hinting that I wanted to have a further discussion but he kept changing the subject. I got annoyed again and we spoke about it. He told me that men do not like to discuss things, they just decide and move on whereas girls like to discuss every last detail. He is worried that his mother either will not meet me at all or will just be extremely rude to me if we meet. He says that we cannot marry unless she attends our wedding. From what he has told me of her I don't really believe that this will happen as she seems to have firm fixed hatred of white people like me. He thinks that she may come round as she also realises that he is getting older and needs to start a family.I am a doctor from a working class background whereas they are a family of generations of professors. He has also asked me to tell her that my parents are of a higher social level than they are and to try to improve my accent when I speak to her. I was a little offended by this but I guess that is part of the compromise. I have always treated him well except for getting angry about his lack of commitment and insecurities at the beginning of our relationship but I think this certainly has to be his last chance. I've already got the clothes that I will wear to meet her if it happens. I guess I will have another discussion in one month if he has not organised a meeting already and end it at this point if there has been no further progress. It's just difficult for me not to ask him everyday when he will arrange the meeting as I really want it to happen (I think he owes me at least an opportunity to meet her).What do you all think of this situation?Your help and advice is greatly appreciated. I am terrible at these things.Many thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Sorry, I hadn't noticed you are Muslim too. A "liberal " Muslim .Probably it's the "liberal" ( read : Westernized ) part his family has a problem with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2011):
I think he is stringing you along. He is Muslim, you are not. This is not an obstacle in itself, I've got Christian friends both in USA and in Italy who married Muslims- but the guys were not the type of person, and did not come from the kind of community/family, which would see the parents' blessing as a mandatory condition for their marriage.
I think he knows he'll end up marrying someone from his religion and possibly his country. Maybe he is in good faith, and thinks that "exposing " you to his mother a little at the time,diplomatically , without forcing the issue, she'll come to like you and accept you....but in this case he's way behind schedule, he should have started this process a couple of years ago !
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 September 2011):
 Like the others I strongly advise against having anty more of these 'where is this relationship going?' conversations. The statement itself is disempowering. It tells the recipient that they have all the power and that you will hang around until they have made an official decision.
The ball is NOT entirely in his court. You, too, have a decision to make and he's already given you all the information you need to make it.
Personally, I think this man has unwittingly done you a favour by dragging his heels. He has given you time to take stock of him and the family you'd be marrying into. First there is the mother who, presumably lives in Britain. She enjoys the peace and prosperity it offers but detests the very people who made the country what it is.
Then there is the womanizing brother. As a single man his antics may be harmless, but don't expect them to change once he's married. Certain eastern cultures are known for tolerating far more from men than from women and this does not bode well for his future wife.
These people will not only be family, but role models for your future children.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (19 September 2011):
After 2 and 1/2 years, he should KNOW whether he wants to marry you or not.
Give it until the end of September and have the talk again. I would not wait any longer if you want to be married. If he's serious about you, you need to meet his mom.
If not, I'd cut my losses and move on. As hard as it will be after 2.5 years - it will even be harder after 3 or 4.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2011):
 A "where is this going" conversation.
You know where it's going. It's not going. His issue with his family will never go away, and I'm certain you don't want to wait until they all die off.
I'm sorry, but he's never going to marry you.
Withholding sex will only make you feel worse. You can never use sex as manipulation. Eventually, he will get it elsewhere, in which case he will either break up with you, or he'll cheat. Either way, you're destroying what's left of your relationship by using sex as a weapon. Don't do it. Ever. Not ever.
Don't ever have a "where is this going" relationship with him again. He will ride it out and say what it takes to placate you until the next time.
There's another reason why I'm telling you never to have another "where are we going" conversation. He doesn't want to marry you. His "my mom hates you so we can't marry" is a cop out. He's not sure you're the one. You are Ms. Right Now to him, not Ms. Right.
Your next conversation with him is to end it. Break up. NOT "Take a break". NOT "I need some time". NOT "I'm not sure we'll make it as a couple anymore". It's OVER.
To not break up with him is to be strung along until Ms. Right comes along. You and he aren't compatible, and you either do it quick, mourn the relationship and move on, or you string it out, watch your relationship die slowly over another year or so, and be in a lot more pain.
I can't stress this enough. Do not ever have another "Where are we going" relationship when you know the answer. You don't want smoke up your ass. You want someone to love and eventually marry whose family will love you and you've met them. 2 1/2 years is more than enough time to meet the family.
Time to face the music and cut your losses. Break out of that crippling feeling that keeps you in limbo terrified of chucking your investment in his relationship and terrified of feeling the hit to your ego of the end of the relationship. It's over already. It's on life support.
You need to live and be loved. He is not your future.
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