A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out my ex (of 2 years) was seeing someone else only by chance, I challenge her at first as any person would, but I don’t ask any questions. I say good luck and walk away. I say no more. We all work in the same building, this was nearly 15 months ago which to me seems a long time ago, but on other days lie yesterday.At first I tired to be civil and friends and professional thinking if that’s her choice, I respect it. The other man I view like this, if was him I would have her, but I would rather be me without her if that makes sense.Weeks after we split she came crying saying its all a mess, I said you need to decide if you what you want but I am ok. Days after this she told me to leave her alone, I asked what is your problem with me, she replied there is no short answer. Throughout the year, at some points she would pretend I wasn’t there. When I asked her if we could have proper closure 7 months on she said she wasn’t prepared to and cried. Which confused me. I wished her happy birthday she said its my birthday but I have nothing to smile about, again which confused me, though I didn’t ask. She has been very odd with me, hot and cold. Then she must have had problems with him later in the year, she tried to suggest I had stirred it up at which point I got annoyed and told her not to involve me in her dramas, again she cried.At this point we were no longer speaking, I thought it best. Christmas came and I sent a card saying all the best, lets have smile next year. At first I get one, but I don’t engage it beyond that. She starts to hang about in places trying subtle efforts to get my attention, she doesn’t get it, I have gone neutral on her, I didn’t even send a valentine card, I know her well enough to know she would have expected one. Recently she has been getting jealous of girls at work I talk to giving them bad looks, I have caught her twice so far watching me when I leave the office, m sure she thinks I’m seeing a work colleague but I’m not.For a long period of time she never came in my office, I would find excuses to go in hers, but I stopped 3 month ago. In the last week alone she has been in every day.I don’t like he fact we don’t speak and I want that sorted apart form a view on what’s she up to, want o say to her listen, everything else aside its time to be friends, I was planning a peace offering like a box of chocolates on her desk with a note saying simply “its time to be friends”. I just don’t like this atmosphere. Thoughts please. One of us has to break this deadlock.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): it seems like she still wanted to be with you and the other guy was just a fling to fill the space between you both. It's hard to forgive, but if you want to solve the deadlock, then you'll have to solve those old issues.
It sounds like you're on auto-pilot and pretending nothing's happening. If you were like this during the relationship I can see how she got frustrated talking to you. Getting no reaction is just as bad as a negative one sometimes.
I think if you want to resolve your non-friendship with her, you have to allow her to get the issues off her chest.When she says there is no short answer for why you guys fell apart, it could have been an opening for you guys to resolve whatever issues stood between you that destroyed the relationship. Maybe you didn't give her the chance because you treated her like a child that didn't know what it wanted?
You have to REALLY want to listen to whatever she has to say with an open mind. If you don't, then don't push yourself. Just tell her you need space because you're hurt as well.
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