A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Im gonna be honest from the start about my problem and would like honest answers. Back in December I slept with a man who afterwards didnt want to know me because I had a drug problem. I did have a cocaine problem until January of this year when his rejection shocked me into giving it all up, even drinking, because I didnt realise how bad I was. Anyways, I saw this man, Tom, out a couple of weeks ago when I was out with my friends. He kept saying how much better I looked and acted now I was off drugs and I ended up going back to his and had sex. This time he wanted to see me afterwards but the two dates we arranged in the week following he cancelled them both. I decided to give up on him but I saw him out again the following week and again I stupidly went home with him. Now Im not exactly young, Im 25, and Im usually a good judge of charecter but I did not think for one minute that he was using me. We got on really well and he was all over me and making plans about our future together. Now its wednesday and I still havnt heard from him (I last saw him on Monday morning). I text him monday afternoon and he replied that he would text me when he can see me but so far he hasnt. Now I refuse to text him again. If he wants to meet he can get hold of me right? But should I even be wasting my time with him? I need an outsiders opinion on what I should do. Also its his birthday tomorrow. Should I text/call him to wish him happy birthday (I know I said I wouldnt text him but this would be an exception, wouldnt it?) I need to know what to do!
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (18 April 2009):
 i think its a cliche but time will get you over it!
what you have to think of it like is a chapter in your life - this guy was that much to you that you stopped a habbit, you're on a good path now and you just dont need the shit - you might wsnns be with someone but make that someone count.
the fact you are here askin for advice means you know more than you realise, you are a strong person.
just remember you look after you!! He looks after himself.
dont feel humiliated, the situation was right for both of you at the time, what if you had changed your view of him, he'd maybe have been wher eyou are now, point being, people change, just accept huis chage of heart and just find someone who cares about you for youm you seem head strong enough - whats done is done, you deleted huis number, you get on with your life knowing his path crossed yours and you gained something positive from it evn if he will never know the full impact of that crossing.
give ut time and one morning you wikl will wake up and he wont even factor in your mind.
i wish you all the luck in the world, you'll be just fine xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): I can understand your feelings of humiliation. I think your initial feelings from being untagged is a bruised ego. Is it possible you wanted to be the dumper not the dumpee? It seems you brought this on yourself by virtue of communicating to him. Such action was against your own gut instinct to not contact him. This could incur great disappointment in yourself. Maybe it's time to make some rules to live by going forward. I wish you the best in making sure this scenario doesn't repeat itself. You're too nice of a person to be treated sub-standard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys thanks for all your advice I thought I would just update you...
well Tom did text me the nighht I wrote this post to tell me he hadnt been working all week and hadnt got any money. I replied in a nice jokey way and told him bout my day at work etc etc. He didnt text back. The next day was his birthday and I text him happy birthday he still didnt reply. That day I log on facebook and find that he has untagged himself in a photo of me and him looking very cosy together (although I had also untagged myself because it did look too full on and we were only starting out seeing each other) but still it feels a bit like an insult. Anyway, its now saturday I have not heard from him so I have deleted his number. Im not upset really as I wasnt that into him but Im just humiliated. How do i get over this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): hey, i just read ur question about this guy named "tom". from what i read i would say u shoulnt even really waste ur time. i mean, there are so many guys out there and for u to try with someone that only wants to spend time with u when he wants to take u home to his place isnt a really good start to a relationship. text him on his bday ( be the bigger person) but dont call him. if u call him he'll probably try to set up a plce and time for you to 'go to his place". for some reason, when its a guys bday they think they diserve something special lol like valentines day...anyways, ur 25 and starting a new kind of life. dont waste time on something u and i both know is not going to go anywhere...... (thats just what i think)
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A
male
reader, pantyman +, writes (15 April 2009):
Hey honey I'm a guy 43 trust me he is using you what really happens is he has you on the side so if his other plans with some one else falls thru then he can get alittle from dump him and do not call him on his bday and the next time he see him and he's hot for you you set up the date and don't show or cancel. And good job on giving up the drugs
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Looks like he has you where he wants you. He knows what to do and say to have sex with you. Right now it seems you could use some rules. Currently the rule is: "I will have sex if he takes me out and talks nice then invites me over."
Let's try something new. Try establishing rules and guidelines for yourself. One can be something like: I will only have sex with someone if I am in a committed relationship with a healthy, partner who wants me to be happy. Here's another rule: I will never communicate or appear to communicate I am willing to have sex with a man outside of a committed relationship.
So the way that second rule plays out is, since you want to text him for his birthday, and now we know he will interpret that text as a sex invitation, I say you cut all contact with him.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (15 April 2009):
situations like this drive us nuts because we just cannot get into the other persons head and figure it all out, i think you should take what has happened and put it in your pocket and wait and see if it goes anywhere. while you are waiting dont worry about him too much, dont set your goals on him, because only you can look after you, anything he might do is a bonus, so think of it like that. By all means text him on his birthday, wish him a happy birthday, if you feel you might not get a reply just text him saying hey, i'm really busy right now but i thought i'd take a few minutes to textto wish you a really happy birthday, hoope you get everything you want! And leave it like that - its not desperate, its clean and clear then dont twxt him again, let him come to you or walk away.
I think you're very brave to give up on drink and drugs to get this far, you have so much to look forward to now, dont let him get in your way.
xxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Sadly, to him, it seems as if you have just become someone to have sex with. I know you probably don't want to hear that and it may be painful, as you obviously like this fella but in all reality, if he really wanted you as a girlfriend, he would be chasing you by now. I know you said you had a past drug problem which you have now quit ( well done for that)and you think this was the reason the guy dropped you before. Well he has seen you 'cleaned up' now and had sex with you, but it still hasn't changed the way he sees you. He may have other issues completely unrelated to you. He may not be ready for a relationship albeit a casual one.
I would try your hardest to move on and forget about him. I know you may find that difficult, but chasing men just makes them have more excuses to ditch you. Don't call or text him for his birthday, just let it pass without event. Spend time on yourself, give yourself small treats and see your other friends. If he really wants you, he will seek you out and nothing will keep him from doing so.
I have said it before in many of my replys to people, women cannot have sex without risking some emotion. Men don't see it the same way. Avoid the 'hump and dump' by not getting physical too soon before you really know and trust a man. It's better than being used, and to me, it seems this guy is using you for his basic needs but wants nothing else.
Another thing...men say they will call, even if they have no intention to. It's just something polite to say to avoid hurting a womans feelings. If he was truly 'into' you he'd be calling you.
I'm so sorry for the tough talk, but cut it off now and move on to better and more fulfilling relationships.
Good luck sweetie xxx
Aunty Em
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (15 April 2009):
 This sounds very strange and one sided, I think without sounding too mean, he has used you and knows he can go out, say a few sweet things and bed you! He's done that 3 times already and still isn't putting any effort in.
I understand you have had a drug problem in the past and that was the reason he gave you for not wanting more the first time, but the subsequent times, I would say he is either still wary that you may go back to your old ways, he is just using you or the fact that you have slept with him so easily has put him off.
I'm going with the latter, he knows he can sleep with you when ever, by buying a few drinks and saying some nice things, why bother making more effort with a girl who has no self respect. It is very much a guy thing, we will happily sleep with an attractive girl on a first date but that automatically makes her unstable as a girlfriend, but fine as FWB (to put it politely).
I think ditch this guy, find a guy that didn't know you as a drug user, go on some dates get to know each other and only sleep with him once you feel that your relationship is going somewhere.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 April 2009):
Guys don't automatically have to be using you... if you have sex easily then you just don't respect you so they don't bother.
I know this guy must hold a special place for you because of how he made you change, but that doesn't mean he's any good.
He's done you some good so leave it at that and move on. If he was a decent guy he would have been in touch.
It's happened to all of us hun and I KNOW how shit it feels, please trust me I do, but the best thing you can do is hold your head high and know that you are better than to be treated like this.
It really is his loss as anyone who can pull themselves up and change their life like you did is clearly someone special.
Good Luck!! xx
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