A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend Drew proposed marriage on a romantic camping trip about 2 months ago. I panicked and said I would have to “think about it.” He was gracious and said he would keep the ring in his pocket until I was ready to decide and said he respected my need to consider my options. Even though he was classy about it, I felt rotten to see the totally crushed look on his face when he obviously thought I would say “yes” immediately. He tried to be brave and composed but you can just tell it was like I had mortally wounded him. He has been somewhat depressed ever since, even though he tries to hide it and act upbeat and positive on the surface. He smiles and laughs sometimes, but it is a forced laugh and there is a sadness in his eyes like his dreams are dying. He is much quieter than normal. He does not know but I have watched him break down crying in his truck before he heads home some nights. I am not sure how I expect him to act under the circumstances, but I do feel guilty seeing him this way and I feel like I am torturing him with my own doubt.We also have not had sex since then even though he previously was up for that every night of the week (and we were usually very active after the kids went to bed and before he went home for the night). When I have tried to initiate recently in ways he has always eagerly responded to in the past, he says he has to go and heads home early. I cannot blame him for not being in the mood.At the same time, feeling bad for him and missing sex with him are not good reasons I think to say “yes” to marriage when I am not sure. Also, the more pressure I feel to say “yes” the more I feel panicked and rushed and want to hesitate.In truth, he is a legitimate catch. He would be a great husband and an amazing father. We are all going to church again because of his influence. He may never be wealthy, but he loves his job as a conservation officer and will be a good provider. He is sexy, both in his uniform and out. If anything, I am a little intimidated by his level of fitness compared to my mom bod. He literally built a single room log cabin by hand on some land his parents gave him with nothing but axes and hand tools. He actually lives there. I am no fan of the outhouse, but he promised to have a proper home with plumbing and electricity built on the same property if we ever became a family. There is an age difference with him at 26 and me at 32. Emotionally, he can be silly at times, but is usually very mature and responsible. He is actually calmer than me in a crisis. In appearance, he has that boyish clean-cut look that makes him look even younger but I would not change him – like a young Tom Cruise if he were taller, freckle faced, and not so arrogant. He tried to grow a beard and we both agreed it was not his look. My two children adore him (daughter 8, son 6). He can be a big goofy playmate and makes them laugh constantly. It is a competition for his attention when he visits here for dinner and playtime every night of the week. He dreams up activities for us as a group most weekends. And yet, when he turns on the “dad voice” as I call it, they actually listen and behave. I think my late husband would have liked him. He honors the memory of their father by going to the cemetery with us and asks questions which seem to draw out happy memories from me and the children. The children are very attached to him already and I think he is attached to them.I love him and he has told me he loves me, and he shows it in so many ways. I could share so many stories about how he made me feel safe, protected, loved, and cherished. He knows where to find the most amazing wild flowers and knows all their names and makes me a fresh bouquet randomly. He will text me the most amazing wildlife pictures during his workday. He failed to hang up his cell one day and I overheard him gushing about me to his supervisor and other officers and they teased him and told him he was “whipped” and he just said “yeah I guess so” but he was so sincere and I was embarrassed to tell him I listened. I am not 100 percent sure why I have hesitated and am still hesitating.My parents think I should have said “yes” and are gently pressuring me to give him an answer. He asked for and got their permission before asking so they are in the loop. They support me either way, but are definitely on Team Drew. Thankfully the kids do not know or I would never hear the end of it.So, I tried to make a list of negatives and this is what I came up with:1. It has been three years since my late husband passed. Drew and I started dating one year ago. I think this was too soon maybe. I now worry about what others may think about me getting remarried -- especially the parents of my late husband who are both still alive. For what it is worth, they seem to like Drew because the kids rave about him. It does not hurt that Drew actually cut down and removed a dead tree that was about to fall on their house. They may be on Team Drew as well, but I just don’t want them to think their son is replaceable.2. Drew is into hunting,fishing, and firearms and I don’t care for any of that. My son wants to learn about all that stuff now and I am not sure how I feel about that. Drew can teach him safety and actually does safety classes for the public, but I worry about having guns in the home and just have a negative feeling about guns. Drew always secures his weapon in a gun safe in his truck when he come in our home out of respect for my feelings on this. Also, I do know Drew loves animals and has risked injury to save wild animals more than once. He enjoys hunting, but also catches hunters who break the rules.3. Drew can go too far with big gestures. I left him to babysit the kids one weekend when I had to travel for work and I come home to find he purchased lumber, shingles, and carpeting and built a tree house for the kids in our back yard. One of the neighbors complained to me later about the construction noise. Drew was clueless why I was so mad and explained he and the children waited to paint it so I could pick the color as if that made it okay. He did apologize later. I guess it was sweet, but it was way over the top.4. Drew wants to have more children. I am still of age and healthy but not sure I want to go through that again in my 30’s. I am also not sure I want to have more children and I worry how that will make the kids feel to have brothers or sisters by a new father.5. Drew is sort of a neat freak and I think he would take over the household. He is always organizing my cabinets, pantry, refrigerator, and garage and he does not even live here. I know he is just trying to do nice things but I don’t think the pantry has to look like a grocery store organized in sections with everything facing front. He also refolds my towels in my linen closet because he says I do it wrong. He thinks he is being funny, but it can be annoying.6. Drew sometimes oversteps his role into parenting when he is still just a boyfriend and not even a step-parent. The other day my daughter was cleaning her bathroom and I asked why and she said Drew showed her how and assigned it to her as a chore and was paying her an allowance to do it to help me out. My son complained about not being able to play on his tablet and I asked why and he told me Drew had grounded him for using a bad word. When I got angry he actually defended Drew for punishing him saying he said the word just to see what Drew would do. Drew should have asked me about these things before doing them as I am the actual parent.7. We also have political differences which I never thought would matter but it seems like they do. Drew is Team Red and I am Team Blue as he puts it. He has me using that word “team” for everything it seems including the Team Drew thing I came up with for this letter. I just realized that. He is not a Trump zombie, but he is hyper patriotic, gets emotional talking about injured veterans, is fixated on traditional gender roles, and a real defender of law enforcement. Some things I actually think we agree on (like protecting the environment). He gets furious about people polluting wildlife areas. He is very respectful about our differences. He is the first person I ever dated, however, that did not share my basic political views and I am not sure how we will handle it. He does not seem worried about it though. He is also very easily distracted by my flirting which is funny and he just loses his train of thought if we were having a discussion. It is my secret weapon on winning arguments for now. I just fear it will be a powder keg some day. As I read my own list, it is confusing because I am like praising him on each negative point and it does not seem that horrible. I don’t want anyone who reads this to think badly about him because he is so wonderful and special in many ways. Am I being irrational? Am I ruining something really good by hesitating and worrying because it is not perfect and without risk? Should I say “yes” and join Team Drew like everyone else in my life? Am I just hunting for reasons to say no? Do any of my reasons make sense? Please tell me if they do. Are there red flags I need to just respect and say “no” to him? How do I break it to the kids if Drew and I break up because I refuse to get married? If I decided to say “yes,” how do I break the ice with Drew after making him wait for two long months with no answer? What if he has changed his mind? Thank you for any comments or input.Signed, Nervous Mom and Girlfriend
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2022): It sounds as if you WANT to WANT to marry him, but in reality, you don't want to.I believe you are picking up certain vibes from him that make you wary and I also believe that you should listen to those. You have intuition for a reason. The fact that you signed off as 'nervous' says it all for me. You feel as if you should be marrying him, but in your heart of hearts, despite all the great things about him you write, he isn't for you. Otherwise you would have leapt up and down with glee and not have hesitated for a second.If I was you, I think I'd feel the same. The thought of someone coming into my life and 'taking over' as in tidying everything up and disciplining your children would give me pause. He isn't just a 'neat freak', he's a control freak and that would worry me greatly.I also think it's possible that he's showing this wonderful side to himself, but that the real him is seeping out in his controlling actions. And you are feeling that on some level. I would really listen to your gut. It's always right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2022): Ok, I'll be frank - your narration sounds very artificial, contrived, manifactured and I think there are many chances that this is not a real life dilemma, but just an exercise in "fine writing " BUT obviously this is just my impression, I dont really know so I must give you the benefit of doubt and assume you really look for an answer. In which case, the answer would be a big, loud, resounding -heck no ! Are you kidding ? You can't marry this guy ! You have listed so many negatives that even a few less would be enough to sink any relationship, but most of all, with the exception of maybe one or two, they are heavy negatives,momentous negatives,in fact for most people they would be plain and simple dealbreakers,not just negatives.Like, what, you are just dating since only one year, and he assumes he can be patenting and disciplining your kids ??without consulting you first ?? And...he does not even live there yet and he is already reorganizing your house, your space, your drawers,your belongings...as he sees fit and this too without asking you first ?? What kind of control freak does that ?! These two would be per se two huge red flags ( and again, dealbreakers for most people ).Add to this other serious stuff,like that he wants more kids and you , basically, don't ( if you have to muse about it and then get convinced because you are not "sold" yet on having more kids - then basically you don't really want more kids, not for yourself, you'd make them to please him ) or your differences in values and lifestyles....then it is simply surprising you would even consider "Drew " as a life partner. I mean, in real life, it would be surprising.In a novel, of course one is supposed to suspend disbelief.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): Typo corrections:
"[That's] legit!"
"As a Christian, I have to live and think according to how Jesus would address these [issues]."
"Experience is the [best] teacher ever!"
Oh, how I wish we had built-in editing tools on the site! Once you hit "send"...literally, that's all she wrote! Pardon my typos!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2022):
 I think you need to give Drew a timeline for how long you are going to think about this. Tell him that you LOVE him but that marriage is not JUST about you and him, but also your kids. YOU (and HE ) needs to feel 100% sure it will work out. So maybe it's something you two can re-visit in a year?
For MANY, one year is NOT enough to be SURE if the other person is a "marriage-match". I think that is OK. Especially since you have been married before and that it didn't end with divorce but by making you a widow.
" Am I just hunting for reasons to say no? "
No. You, AS A SINGLE mom, have to be sure, double sure, and triple sure before saying yes. And you should BE allowed to not feel pressured.
You also have 2 kids to consider. So it's IS a "bigger" decision to make.
Going over your list:
1. 3 years might be long enough to be able to move on, and it might NOT be. That is something only YOU can decide. Dating and getting married are two different things.
2. I don't think Drew being into hunting and guns is an automatic red flag. You two are NOT going to be glued at the hip 24/7 or have ALL the same hobbies and interests. However, I get how you feel about guns in the house. My husband owns probably 15 weapons. All but one are in the 2 gun safes, and one is on him (he has a Concealed carry permit and knows his stuff). He does NOT hunt. I am NOT into guns. WHATSOEVER. He is not into quilting. So he might spend a Sunday at the range and I get peace and quiet to sew, paint, whatever. All 3 girls have been at the gun range. They know gun safety (they are also all older than yours, however, I am glad they understand how much a gun is NOT a toy).
3. I think the treehouse was an act of love. For you AND the kids. And it was also him wanting SO badly to show you what a good catch he is. So again, not really a red flag, but... I DO think he should have asked YOU first if that was something you would be OK with. He made changes to your backyard/tree without asking first. He just ASSUMED you would like it. A little immature there. and a little inconsiderate. Even if the gesture was lovely.
4. More kids or not. This is a big issue for many people who are single parents. And I think it's a DEAL-BREAKER. So if he is deadset on kids (which I can understand) and you are deadset on NO more kids - you two are not compatible long term. It feels unfair to expect him to NOT have a bio kid of his own and unfair to expect you to have a #3 just to please him. I do think your kids would love a lilsis/bro regardless.
5. He has a touch of OCD. I am the same way. My cans are lined up, organized, I can pick out anything blindfolded. It's that neat. Same with spices. And well, most other things. I will refold towels, sheets, clothes if others have done them, and done then "wrong". I know it might irritate other people but I can't really help that. My kids have learned to fold stuff MY way and it means ALL towels fit in the two shelves in the closet, instead of overflowing onto other shelves. If I were you I'd totally "take advantage" of someone who will create order out of chaos when it comes to the little stuff that is UNIMPORTANT to you - such as towels and how they are folded. It can be HIS chore. However, IF this is important to you HOW they are folded, let him know that you like them in this way. In your house.
6. Disipline. This should be 100% your rules. NON negotiable. They are YOUR kids. If Drew is around the kids, they need to have respect for him. It's not like he punished your son with a spanking. He just told him no tablet (which is NOT the end of the world, but HE should talk to you about what YOUR rules are and what punishment/correction YOU use. Teaching your daughter to clean the bathroom, well having chores is not a bad thing to teach a kid. Not even an 8 year old. Unless she is on her knees scrubbing floor and toilet with a toothbrush, if it is age-appropriate I think it's good, but AGAIN. He can't make up chores and rewards without TALKING to you. Not a red flag per se, but something YOU need to communicate WITH him about. It's inconsiderate of think to presume HIS rules in YOUR house.
7. Who wants to live in an echo chamber? I think not having the same political affiliation is a good thing. You are NOT going to agree on EVERYTHING in life. As long as you both can compromise too. Now if he expects you to become a stay at home mom, and you don't want to, then there is another deal-breaker. Or miss-match. Not a red flag. hubby and I are pretty aligned on some things, but I am definitely more "center" than he is. It just means there are times we agree to disagree. It doesn't have to be a powder keg.
You need to sit him down (without the kids around) and HAVE A grown up talk. If you need more time, then you NEED more time. And HE should respect that. It doesn't mean you love him less, it just means you have the responsibility of 3 people on your shoulders, he has the responsibility of 1 person.
Tell him you LOVE him. And that you need (let's say) a YEAR to decide. You bring up some of the points you are worried about. Like the kids, the guns in the house, etc. See what is negotiable and what is not.
You ask - what if he changes his mind? Well, what if YOU change yours? There are no guarantees in this world besides birth and death. (and taxes in between).
If he can not (or will not) give you a year, then it's probably NOT going to work out regardless.
What is the hurry anyway?
Ok, so I just wanted to add this, he seems a little pushy or impatient. And the fact that he is borderline "sulking" when you said maybe instead of yes, is not a sign of maturity. Quite the opposite.
Also, you two don't even LIVE together, things might be WAY more complicated if you do. For now, you only see a fraction of his personality and vice versa.
I think it's VERY prudent of you to take more time. My husband and I dated for a year and a half and looking back, it might have done us both good to have waited a bit longer. We have still made it work for 25+ years. I just don't think it's a decision people should take lightly or hurry up about.
" How do I break it to the kids if Drew and I break up because I refuse to get married?"
Gently and with age-appropriate language. You can be totally vague here.
I would also say, IF you break up with Drew. Then NEXT time do no introduce your kids until you feel certain this is a person I can see myself growing old with or 9-12 months in).
Good luck and I hope he will respect your need for more time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): I have a very unorthodox, or unique, way of thinking; and maybe most people who will answer your post might disagree with me. I try to see things at all angles; but getting only one side of a story often forces us to be less subjective and more judgmental. You work with the facts or details presented to you.
Here's my opinion. I'm a firm-believer that people shouldn't marry; unless they are 100% sure and ready for it. There is always room for reasonable doubt, but not nagging-doubt!
It's not enough that the person who has proposed to you is a wonderful catch, and checks all the right boxes. The point is, are you ready for a lifetime-commitment in marriage to him?
Your answer was not a flat-out "no;" it was a wise and heartfelt suggestion to allow you more time to think about it. That legit! Spur of the moment, or kneejerk reactions in haste leads down a path of uncertainty; and you'll be caught in the grip of second-guessing yourself. Standing at the altar is the wrong time to choke; or not showing-up at all for the wedding is the worst-case scenario! You were caught completely off-guard. Hoping desperately, that you didn't play whimsical or cute with your answer. That would be cruel, disheartening, and totally inappropriate!
The objective is to be absolutely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt! "Yes" would have popped out of your mouth like a reflex; if you were certain and truly ready.
You absolutely must weigh all the pros and cons! These days, partisan-divide is a real thing. People will surprise you with almost radical beliefs; and it can tear families apart. That is a very important consideration. I wouldn't let age be much of an issue; but expanding a family, when you aren't up for having more children, is something you will have to discuss in great depth. He wants more children. He has none of his own; and he shouldn't be deprived of his opportunity to father his own offspring, to carry-on his own DNA into posterity. This is no light-weight issue!
It is your body, your right, and your womb. These days, when it comes to a woman's body, and her right to choose; knowing where to draw the line has become a topic of great conflict and debate. You can argue and debate it all day long; but even as a man, I can't imagine being told what I can and cannot do with my own body! I could not impose or deny anything regarding the body, or mind, of another person; without considering how they feel about it, and without having their absolute and unquestionable approval/consent. When the pros versus anti-vaccination controversy arises
in debate during a pandemic comes to mind; then you have to consider the greater good, and how it can affect the health and safety of the masses. How will it even affect those you love? Sometimes you make decisions beyond just yourself. Then you ask, is it a matter of health, just a matter of politics, a gesture to prove "team" loyalty, or just plain stupidity??? I wouldn't marry a person without knowing where they stand; because it will become an issue down the road. Some things you don't wait until you cross that bridge; because it may burn-down behind you!!!
I have no tolerance for atheism, bullying, impatience, willful-ignorance, cultism, bigotry, or the avid and immovable political/partisan ilk; so they are all deal-breakers for me when it comes to romantic-connections or friendships. I pray for divine-discernment. On these issues, I will not compromise; but I will be open-minded for the sake of peace. As a Christian, I have to live and think according to how Jesus would address these issue. It's laid-out for me in the Bible; so I'll consult The Holy Book, and my conscience, before making life-changing decisions. I have the fate of my immortal soul to consider as well. God comes first. That's just me.
These are important matters to be considered; before accepting a marriage proposal. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, this is your choice to make. He asked you, but he doesn't get to tell you how to answer; he asks, and hopes for the best. If he didn't prepare for a possible "no" as the answer, he didn't consider all the probabilities. His over-confidence is surely not your fault. Such is life! Being an adult is tough. We don't always get what we want when we want it! Sulking and pouting is for children; but we adults are only allowed to, as long as we don't let it drag on and on.
Once the choice is made, you are the one who has to live with it; and how it could change your life for better, or worse. That is actually one of the vows you will have to say before God, witnesses, and an officiator of your wedding. The answer has to be "I do!" If you write your own vows, you can leave it out. It's still there by implication, because your commitment is meant for keeps; not just until you hit a bump! You could hit a bump on the way out of the chapel, or the night before the wedding!
You can't commit to any kind of wedding vows, traditional or self-written; unless you mean them with all your heart. Marriage is not an uncommitted trial-offer you can get-by on with a simple "maybe?!!" People rush into marriage on a whim; only to divorce shortly thereafter, with all kinds of reasons. Had they considered those very issues before the "I do's;" there would probably have never been a marriage, or kids, and a house to fight over!
In excitement, and the thrill of the moment; you may jump and grab the ring, with a big-ole "YES"...for all the wrong reasons! "Yes, because all my friends and my sisters are married!"..."Yes, because he/she makes a lot of money, and we can live large!"..."Yes, because my biological-clock is running out!"..."Yes, because I'm sick of my parents bugging me about grandchildren!" And the worst one of them all..."Yes, because he's/she's a great-catch; and somebody else might get them!"
Of course, he's disappointed and embarrassed; because he built himself up to the moment. He fantasized about what he would do, if you said "yes!" He needed the affirmation that his time and the love invested were not wasted. However, all important adult-decisions require serious thought and consideration. They require in-depth discussion; and you have no room for rash or hasty decisions, that could go-bad down the road. You have no guarantees; but recklessness is not an option. Better safe than sorry; when it comes to such a life-changing decision, that not only affects yourself, but includes your kids.
People can surprise you, and change on you like a chameleon; just when you think you know them! Kids only see the surface of those who are kind to them; but they do have God-given survival-instincts, to alert them when danger is at-hand. They do know who truly loves them. They haven't developed the ability to judge character, and can certainly be fooled...and so can you, me, and anybody reading this! We adults learn over the course of years, and through much trial and error. Experience is the teacher ever! You rarely forget your worst experiences. The best ones tend to run together, or fade with time. That's why we love social media and smart phones so much!
How many times over the course of your life did you think something was small or insignificant, and it turned out later only to be one of the biggest obstacles you've ever encountered in your life? Oh my gosh, I could write volumes on the should-have, could-have, would-haves!!! Don't worry, I won't! This is as long as it gets!
He will come to understand. You just bruised his pride, took a big wind out of his sails; and he has to rethink a few things about where you go from here. He checks all the boxes; but you have to be sure, not doubtful, when you tie the knot with a person. They will become your life-partner for better, or for worse. Cold-feet, fear, and paranoia are normal.
It's a "maybe"...until you're sure, and you can mouth the word "yes" straight from the heart! Don't cross your fingers behind your back, or it doesn't count!
Some people might think political-affiliations are no big deal; but there is a lot of misinformation, social media influence, disinformation, propaganda machines posing as news media, and hate-groups tied to political parties; that have radicalized people to a point of insanity and violence. Politics have divided and torn families apart. I wish more people would be that committed and devoted to Jesus Christ. The outcome would be wonderful and unbelievable!
If he can't live with the answer for now; then it will have to be "no." You can't be coerced or pressured; and then a year or two from now, you'll be writing DC to tell us how much he changed! How you wished you had waited!
If he loves you enough to ask; he will have to be a big-boy, and understand your reasons for careful consideration. Make it apparent that you are looking-out for his best interest as well. You don't leave things like having children to be considered "after" you're married; that should have been discussed long before he decides to pop the question! You have no right to hem and haw, or dance-around that issue!
On the other hand, you shouldn't keep it from him about how you feel about having more children; while you deny him the truth, because you want to keep him. That is outright deceptive and manipulative. As deceptive as someone hiding some of their more ultra-conservative or super-liberal political-views or beliefs, to spring on you after-the-fact! Even the devil can disguise himself as an angel of light!
Listen to your gut, it could be the Holy Spirit warning you; if you sense that everything just seems too good to be true. Pray on it, and let God be your guide. Now that you're back into church and worship; put prayer and your faith to good use!
God's peace be with you!
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A
male
reader, plastow  +, writes (10 March 2022):
many people let the perfect partner go by our of fear and worry about what others may think.if thats what worries you ask the people involved ,you may be very surprised at the answers you get.the only thing i can see why you have not said yes is because you are not in love with him being that your still in love with your husband.life is for the living that doesnt mean you are forgetting those who have gone .he would have wanted you to be happy and his children also. dont wait too long as he may give up and move on
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): It's odd that you are looking to a whole bunch of strangers about whether or not you should reject or accept this guys proposal!
After all , you would be the one marrying him so your own opinion is of paramount importance.
Having a need to write a list of negative points doesn't inspire much confidence in your suitability.
It could be that you have no intention of getting married to anyone ever again.
Judging by your tone this is not a realistic proposal of marriage unless you want to live in a little log cabin where your children can play outdoors.
It seems everyone else would be happy but you and that is a very important consideration indeed.
If you really liked this guy you wouldn't be so analytical about it.
It seems to be more of a delightful film where everyone is joyously festive and happy..But you, yourself are in a pick and choose mood and you pick "no"!
Maybe it is a very real situation and I am overlooking the obvious but I feel some emotional context is missing and perhaps you are toying with the idea of a toyboy!
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