A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles.I have a problem that I am hoping you can help me resolve.I have a beautiful daughter with my ex. We had a messy split, 6 months ago.Although I am trying to communicate with my ex, regarding our girl, I feel I am hitting my head against a brick wall.I want my daughter to be happy, but I am sure she is picking up on the negative vibe my ex puts out towards me.Will this unhealthy grudge continue? And how can I possibly get my ex to see what he is doing to our daughter, without causing more trouble?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI recieved a text from my ex....i haven't replied, but it is playing on my mind.
He is using this arguement between me and his mum, saying that I was sending abusive text messages (there was name calling on both sides). He is saying he hadn't got anything to lose, but I have everything to lose,meaning my child.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Thanks for responding. You are in charge of your daughter's environment then. When she's around, show a lot of love, and don't talk a lot about her dad or the fight or the courts.
As for your ex, if mediation went south, then you need to deal with it in the courts. Don't get swayed by his threats. For one, the courts are a lot of times sympathetic to moms, so unless you're a drug addict, he can say or threaten all he wants to.
Just show a calm, poised, stable and loving parent in court, and you'll be fine. He's manipulating your fear of confrontation when it came to your dealing with his mom. You're neither mentally ill, nor can he use that in court to get leverage. He's trying to bully you. Don't let him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy girl lives with me, she is 4 years old.
My ex an I attended mediation, it didn't work. Visitation access has been set up via solicitors.
He was abusive to me, mostly verbal. We aren't living together when we split....we thought living apart for awhile would help, but it didn't.
I know I did the wrong thing here, but I even spoke to his mum. I wanted to set visitation for them, as they live far away, and get something regular set up. Obviously, she has taken his side, and things got a little heated between us. I later texted and apologised, because I am not one to get nasty. She didn't respond.
However, my ex is going on about more visitation, and because mediation didn't work, he has said he wants to go to court, to let them decide. He is now using the fact his mum and I had an argument, saying I am mentally ill, and I am verbally abusive.
Yes I said some things in the heat of an argument, but I did apologise.
I am as good a mum as I can be. My daughter always attends school, she is healthy and happy. I make sure she is in clean clothes, bathed, cleans her teeth etc. And I make sure she knows she is loved. Yet he is trying to show I am a bad mum, because I had an argument with someone.
I wanted to sort this between ourselves, be civil to one another, and make sure our girl was happy. But he seems hell bent to take me to court, and make me out to be unstable.
This grudge against me is really upsetting me. He always thought I was a good mum before this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2013):
I'll give you my first impressions, but to be more accurate, I need a lot more information here to advise you. Here are some questions:
1. Who is your daughter living with, you or her father?
2. How old is she?
3. What caused the split? You said it was messy, right? Was there cheating or drugs or alcohol or violence/abuse involved, and if there was, was she made aware of it? Otherwise, what did you break up over, and was she informed of the whole story, or is she too young now?
4. This is important - have you gone through the courts to square away visitation, child support, and similar matters?
5. How has her relationship with you and her dad been before the split
and
6. Before you two split, were you living together? Was this split accompanied by someone moving out, and if so, which one of you did, and did she stay with the house/flat, or did she go with whoever moved?
Without getting these answers, my initial thought is to suggest if she's living with you, she won't catch his "vibe", but rather YOUR vibe and stress level when he's either around or he's mentioned. If she's living with him, then his "vibe" would be more apparent, and she'd sense his hostility when you came to visit.
What she's going through has to do with her environment. Things can be made easier by not pulling her from her environment, frequent visits, extended family (i.e. relatives, friends, trusted adults) as her support group, and most of all, you as a mom making sure she feels a lot of love from you.
Otherwise, it takes time for something like this to heal. If there are unresolved legal issues and he's not being easy, then you may have to use the courts and shield her from the cold reality of it. Make sure you don't gripe about her dad in front of her. As everyone knows, venting about the other parent to your kid is really bad, and I hope he's not doing it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): "And how can I possibly get my ex to see what he is doing to our daughter, without causing more trouble?"
Sadly, you can't "get" your ex to do anything he would not be inclined to do otherwise, so if ex wants to carry a grudge or is small-minded enough to use his daughter as a weapon to "punish" you (not realizing it's the kid who suffers most, as they always do), there's not much you can do other than take the high road and not vent your grievances towards your baby daddy to your daughter. No need to turn her against him, he's perfectly capable of doing that himself.
Your daughter didn't pick her father, YOU did, and if he was a scumbag before getting you pregnant, then becoming a sperm donor isn't going to to change who he is.
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