A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Well, I'm still wondering what I should do now. I am in a long-term marriage of over 25 years but for many of those years felt very lonely. My wife and I had drifted very far apart and it seemed like we had very little in common any longer except for the children (two grown and gone and one well along in high school). I would try to find things that we could do together, but was often turned down or it just wasn't very much fun for one of us. For years I had been thinking that I needed to make sure the children were grown first and then would see what to do. I guess I was somewhat old-fashioned that way. I really wanted to be around to raise my children and my sons speak well of how I was involved in their lives when they were growing up. My daughter in high school is completely different and is always critical of me or simply ignores me. She is 16 and basically does whatever she wants. My wife supports her and has basically said that she wishes she could have had the freedom our daughter has when she was her age.Well, two years ago now, I met someone who was separated and she and I hit it off really well. (She had been married over 20 years but her husband had had frequent affairs and had spent all their money.) She had two daughters and I really developed a friendship for them as well. We spoke often about all different topics together and it was great to have someone to talk with again. She is a student who is back at community college again working toward a degree and I was able to help her work a lot. Even her mother liked me when we met. Our friendship developed over around a year and we talked about a future together but I had to resolve my marriage issue first. After the first year that I knew her, she was contacted again by an old boyfriend and they hit it off together. She told her old boyfriend about me though and that she wanted to stay in touch with me and so we continued to call and meet often at the school, Y or other places. Outside of hugs there was nothing physical though.I found a marriage counseler and went. I tried to get my wife to go with me, but she only went a few times and then refused to go any longer. My relationship with my wife and daughter continued to decrease over the next 9 months and I moved out of the house in July. I continue to go to the marriage counseler and have continued to express an interest to my wife of having her go too, but she still refuses. The marriage counselor knows only the issues with my wife, not the other woman I have had the deep friendship with. Well, I had hoped that my relationship with the other woman would strengthen after I left my wife, but she stayed with her old boyfriend. (Remember she has not finalized her divorce yet even though it has been well over 2 years since she left her ex-husband.) She wanted to stay friends with me though and we continued to talk although much less than before. Now I have reason to think she may be breaking up with her boyfriend and Im not sure what to do. My wife still doesn't know anything about the other woman. She still won't visit the marriage counseler though although we have gone on a few dates together. We seem very far apart though on what we want for our futures. I could return to my wife, who says she would like to have me return, but am afraid that our marriage would just turn hollow again. I would also like to explore a relation with the other woman and may get a chance if she and her boyfriend break up. The marriage counseler is trying to get me to decide about whether or not to stay in the marriage so that I can move forward one way or another. I continue to largely support my wife and daughter financially. Right now, I remain in an apartment and although I am lonely, it is very seldom that I'm lonely for my wife. I tend to make friends fairly easily (although not deep ones) and have many superficial friendships with other women. Any advice on what I should do? Return to my wife? Pursue a divorce? Stay separated for the next 6 months or year at least?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): why on earth would you even consider returning to your wife?? seriously, what is holding you back from divorcing already? you have said your marriage is hollow, you have been lonely for years, she was not willing to work on your marriage, you have moved out, so...why is returning to her even an option on the table?
as for your friend - why not ask her what the status with her boyfriend is? you say you and her at one time had talked about a future together but you needed to resolve your marriage issue first. Obviously you have been open enough with each other to talk about future plans, so why can't you be open enough to just ask upfront what her status is with her boyfriend?
It sounds however, like you and her were both using each other as safety nets. You are still married so you were not available to her thus she went ahead and got with her old boyfriend yet wanted to remain in contact with you. now, you are thinking of leaving your wife but only if there's a possibility with your friend? well it's not ideal but it is the way it is so I guess one way is to just be honest about it. just ask her what her relationship status is. If she says she is staying with her boyfriend, well then you have your answer but that doesn't change how your marriage will be, it will still be hollow.
A
female
reader, marcia99116 +, writes (19 December 2010):
 To me it sounds like you have taken the logical, rational course of action. You have tried to mend things with your wife, who is not as deeply troubled about mending things (even though you have moved out of the house). You have taken a step to show her how deeply troubled you are about the relationship and all she can do is tell you she wants you to move back in. Yes you have history but the hollow relationship will still be there... unless she is getting help to make it different? What is she doing to make it better?? If you are the only person seeking to make it better than it cannot get better. It takes two people to be in a relationship.
I do not think it is in your daughters best interest for you to stay together - in fact it could be a detriment in the long run. It sounds like her respect for the male role is something she will have great difficult reconciling without future counseling.
I think you should listen to your intuition. You have the answers within you and no one else can tell you what decision you should make. We can all justify your perspective but without knowing all the players and their points of view it makes it difficult to make a judgment call like that (which probably sound like something your counselor would say).
I have a thought about people (who are not overly paranoid) - we all know inside what we should do but it is harder to develop the courage to do it. Specifically if it is something completely different - we are all resistant to change. Change and adventures sound grand to a person who has not experienced them.
Know whatever your decision that it will be difficult either way. You will either live in misery one way or the other for a time anyway. Making the choice to do something different will not be easy but hopefully you will find happiness.
If you decide to remain with your wife then I think you should communicate a little more bluntly with her. If she doesn't know what is on your mind it will not help her adjust her behavior. If she is unwilling to adjust her behavior - can you live with that?
That is the question that made my decision for me:
"If nothing every changes in your relationship - can you live with that?"
Changing people sometimes is like trying to move a 200 story building... with no tools.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): True, sustainable happiness and fulfillment is never induced by another person via a relationship. Sometimes relationships serve as a 'self medication' for things missing in ourselves... that is why deep and unresolved 'issues' are often manifested in the partners we choose or why and when we choose them. To understand yourself and what's going on in your relationships... examine yourself.
This can be tough work, but the benefits are lasting.
This other woman is curious about you... your spouse already knows you... or thinks they know you... sometimes the lack of curiosity can feel like a lack of interest or drifting apart...
Remaining friends through a long term marriage requires effort... whereas it is easy to 'connect' or make friends in other situations... so by contrast the marital friendship or 'connection' often feels lost... When, in reality, it has not...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 If you are going to stay married then for goodness sake work at it, if you honestly beleive there is nothing there for you then end it.
Surely you can see that there are two separate issues here. Your marriage and this other woman.
Your question makes it seem like the only reason you would end your (obviously) unhappy marriage is if you think you have a chance with the other woman.
Why not consider that you could possibly be a happy man without your marriage, and without this other woman. There may be somebody else waiting in the wings that you dont know about.
.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I am young i am 28 and i do not have the 20 year relationship you do. Hell i even have problems in my marriage now. I recommend sincerely you rent the movie the dutchess with kira knightly its on netflix for a cheap 8.95 a mo th. But iam not here to sell netflix. I have a female friend who is 40 something and i love her to death and i listen to how she says her marriage is empty and how she still loves her husband. I felt so protective of her i actually showed down her husband who is a daunting, miasma of a man in his 40's. He never says hello to her, they argued during thanksgiving and he tells her how disappointed he is, or if they argue he uses silence and withholding of emotion as punishment. As you would put it hollow.....
While i have had several failed marriages at 28 i am scared of limbo..... We have one life.... Suicidal thoughts come when you have no purpose...
Though i have remained positive and am seeking to rebuild my life.
I long to find my partner of the rest of my life just as i yearn for my boyfriend to be here now when he isnt....again another aspect of limbo the person leaving to work on themselves....
Seperation with an agreed goal can work. If both parties are a hundred percent on board. No goal and its destined to fail. I watched the dutchess tonight after watching sorority boys...and i was moved to feel what the dutchess felt... Empty hollow, trapped...also stayed for the love of her children though the duke is a cold man.
You have been a good husband and faithful. It is not unsual to feel the need to seek another human for our emotinal needs when we have had to much or feel betrayed....love in its own respect is like a contract. A contract of good faith that both parties deeply cherish each other.
You have done your duty sir, try to make a choice without feeling so many obligations. We have but one life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I would not return to your wife just yet. There is a risk you would return, only to leave again. It seems that your marriage is over - there is only so much counselling you can undergo - sometimes you just have to admit you have come to the end of the line. For now I would pursue a life on your own and let your wife get on with rebuilding hers. Put this other woman to one side - she may or may not want a fuller relationship with you in time. Meanwhile, set about getting an independent life going - you say you make friends easily - then build on that. Do not pin your hopes on your woman friend, you are using that as a bit of a crutch to get you through.
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