A
female
age
41-50,
*izzicato
writes:HmmI've known a guy let's call him O, for 5 years and he's liked me from the first day we met. I was going out with someone else at the time in a long distance relationship but I did like O, and thought he was someone I would go out with if I was single. Nothing came of it, though O did try to kiss me once, and I pushed him away. We remained friends and I've always known he liked me. Then he got a girlfriend and we were still friends though I saw less of him.I went out with my boyfriend at the time for 3 and half years and we broke up 2 years ago. It turned out really badly and we don't speak anymore.I moved to study in another country a few months before breaking up with my ex, funny thing, it was my ex's country. I've gotten over my ex but I'm still quite wary of relationships mostly because my ex was the last person I imagined would behave like he did. It's left me with little confidence in my ability to judge dates and I'm very wary, some say cynical.O has been in his relationship for four years and I thought I didn't have a chance with him and didn't really think about him in that way, although there was a time when I got drunk at New Year's.. Nothing happened. I knew O still had some feelings for me.I went home for a few days about a month ago and O told me he had broken up with his girlfriend a few months ago. We hadn't seen each other for a year and a bit. He now lives in a different city from my home city so we don't meet up much. It was quite unexpected and we both got drunk and as you can imagine, things progressed from there. Well, I'm wary, and not sure. O is very enthusiastic and sends me sweet emails and even sent me a card and a flower for Valentine's day. He's coming to visit me in two weeks. He's an enthusiastic person and very cheerful so I'm not surprised he would do that sort of thing. I keep telling myself I've known O for 5 years and it's not like someone I met recently who's sending me flowers. I would instinctively run away from this behaviour normally. Another thing which concerns me is that O never changed his facebook status to single. He's no longer friends with his ex. O doesn't visit his page very often, he does post sometimes. I've sent him mails before on Facebook which he never replied to as he doesn't see them. If I send them to his personal email, he will reply. He broke up with his ex a few months ago, is this enough time?Should I be concerned? Any advice will be appreciated.
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female
reader, Pizzicato +, writes (16 July 2012):
Pizzicato is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just adding that relationship is over and so is the friendship. O doesn't know how to finish relationships well, or rather doesn't care and none of his exes speak to him. Once his relationships are finished you are about as useful as a bucket with no bottom. I'm on friendly terms with most my exes even if we are not bosom buddies or see each other. Lesson learnt, if the exes hate him, there's a reason for it. Oh, and if they all say he needs a psychologist...I´m not the only one shocked, all my friends are and they would say something (and have said something) if I was going out with a jerk. In person, he's lovely. It's not the breakdown of the relationship that is the most hurtful but that I considered this person as a friend and this person never existed. I´'m impressed though, 5 years cultivating me. What patience! It was all fine till stuff didn't go his way, like for example once we went to a concert in a remote part of town. I had flown in the day before. a close family was leaving the next day to work in another country and I didn't want to stay out too late. I told O this, he was well aware, he assured me he would drive me back. Then his car was borrowed by his friend, then we should wait one more song, one more song till I said look it doesn't look like your friend is coming so stay and enjoy the concert and I will get a taxi. Him: No, don't go.Me: I need to leave.( 3 hours later than I should have) Him After this song. Me: Don't worry, I will get a taxi.Him: I have to take you.Me: Seriously, I just want to go. I leave, he follows.Starts screaming at me once his friends aren't around. I'm astounded. I've had shouting matches, tempers fly etc. This was something else, from the screams you would have thought at least, I must have slept with two of his best friends at the same time. I'm still shocked months later. It still makes no sense and I can only describe it as a tantrum. I get into a taxi and leave. RED FLAG!I don't hear from him till 2 days later. I call and phone is switched off constantly. I'm ready to break it off then and there. Do remember I was only in the country for a few days. I was persuaded by him, and friends and his friends. He apologises sincerely saying he forgets that I have a good relationship with my sister and he's not used to that. That still doesn't explain why you would flip out like that. Note, his sister is his twin, fraternal obviously but she doesn't call him and they don't speak much. Odd. RED FLAG! Then a few slightly weird months where I'm constantly debating whether to break up or not. The one thing that comes across is he's spoilt and selfish and he's never to blame for anything. Ever. He would say one thing and claim he never said it. And I would be really confused. If I complain, he will throw back at me that when I´m late, he doesn't complain, so I should be more tolerant. Then everything is fine again! And you are left feeling you are going slightly mad.Then a few months later, we are supposed to meet up for lunch on the evening I'm flying back, I call, oh where are you. Him: Oh I'm going home. My mum wants me to have lunch.And I'm tired. Me: I'm flying back today, you know. Have a good trip he says. And I'm apparently overreacting because I'm naturally upset. His excuse: he doesn't like goodbyes and when his best friend moved to the States from Europe, he didn't bother going to the party to say goodbye. So it's not personal he says. I fall ill a few days after, he doesn't bother to find out how I'm doing. That's the end for me. I concentrate on getting better and trying to worry as little as possible. When I tried to break up,look this isn't working he would avoid me, then be very lovely, oh, no I'm so sorry, suggests we plan a trip. Sends recommendations and travel plans, and I love you. then a couple of days later, oh, he decides he can't take this anymore and wants to break up. It helped a lot that I was overseas and busy with studying and working and wasn't sucked into his web very deeply. He's a narcissist. And like all of them, incredibly charming. Very charming to hide the deadness in their eyes. Nothing is ever his fault and he will gaslight you. Look at the website: He did that sort of thing. Make plans and pretend it wasn't a plan just a possibility.http://forum2.aimoo.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/Abusive-Tactics-Read-Only/Gaslighting-An-Abuser-s-Favorite-Tactic-1-462769.html
A
female
reader, Pizzicato +, writes (3 April 2011):
Pizzicato is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. It seems to be moving along and I had a very nice time. I won't stress about it.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 It sounds like the guy has been half in love with you since he first met you. Do you really think he is going to blow his chance with you after waiting over 5 years for it?
I highly doubt it. Go for it.
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