A
male
age
30-35,
*ctualVelvet
writes:Hey there. I’m not even sure how I found this place, but it seems to be what I needed to find... I rarely ask for help but I need to get this off my chest.From the beginning, I tried to make sure my wife and I were sexually compatible. I asked her outright what her sex drive was like and she stated that she thought it was high, but also that she was kind of prudish. As it turned out, it wasn’t high... and she was indeed a prude. That was... just okay. She was the one I wanted to be with, regardless of how often we made love. But I’ve always had this high libido, for as long as I can remember, and even though I’m sliding on through my thirties, my libido still outpaces hers by quite a bit. I need sex regularly, at least twice a week, to stay happy. When we don’t connect like that, my brain has to do some work in order for me not to feel jilted, for me not to lose confidence in whether I am keeping my wife happy.Now, we’ve been married for almost ten years. Ten happy years full of life and love, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. However, there’s been this constant issue of our sex life. We’ve had ups and downs and learned about each other’s love languages and what works best, but this one thing remains the same... except that recently it’s not been the same, it’s been getting worse. We’ve had a couple of kids by now; the youngest just turned five. I knew that her sex drive would drop further after having kids, but it’s to the point now where she doesn’t even want sex at all, ever. Ever ever. She’s told me she never thinks about it, never needs it, never wants it.To my idiot brain, this means she doesn’t want me, or I’m failing to provide for her in the ways that make her feel loved. This has all culminated into the events of last week.I was going down on her. I love giving her oral sex and pleasuring her in any way possible. Love it. I love receiving it as well, but it’s been a few years since she gave me a BJ or even a hand-job. Whatever. So I’m going down on her, watching her back arch, listening to her moan. And then it happens. I accidentally make her cum before we could have sex... which was a mistake... and i couldn’t do anything about it because she came really quickly.So she turns away, grumpy, because now she is too sensitive to make love, and goes to leave the room. I know her enough to think, well shit, that just went sideways. She’s going to be pissed off and depressed. She does this. If she comes on my fingers or from my mouth, she will go off and cry or get upset. It’s been happening more and more.Anyway, this time I pulled her back and cuddled her, telling her it was okay, I just enjoyed pleasuring her. She replied that now I wouldn’t be getting what i need.I said, “Well, there’s lots of ways to get me off.”Then she just burst into tears, saying, “But I don’t like doing any of those things. I don’t even like when you do them to me.”She went on about how my “fucked up isn’t her fucked up,” She’s “not like me and doesn’t like doing anything other than regular PIV sex”.I just sat there with her in my arms cuddling her, unsure of what exactly was going wrong between us, and feeling like absolute shit because... she doesn’t like what I’m doing, despite clearly enjoying it moments ago... somehow she thinks my delight in pleasuring her orally is fucked up? And I’m not pleasing her, so now she is denying me what I need? My thoughts just raced like that. And then her period started the morning after, so my thoughts continued to race for the entire week.I started feeling worse and worse. I started telling myself that our sex life is over and I just need to suck it up. Other things started popping up in my head like... do I go find a friend with benefits? No... that’s stupid. Do I find some libido increasing pills for her? No, she’d never take them. WTF do I do then? I’ve watched our sex life drop from once a day to three times a week, twice a week, to sometimes twice a month max. And now we’re looking at less, and less with without foreplay. We are both young, fit, beautiful people who are still so in love and complete with one another... but I’m losing confidence in myself sexually and that is spilling out into other ways too.Yesterday, we had a talk. I told her about how I was feeling and explained that I knew our sex life wasn’t over, because that’s dumb. We had a cry and a connection; you know, like couples do. Then that night, of course, she wanted to make love. That would have been wonderful, but I couldn’t muster the sexual arousal to do anything. All I could think, she won’t touch me, she’s not even trying to get unclothed... its just about getting me off to make sure I’m happy and that’s it... but only if it’s her way. She’s completely submissive in bed, but my hands are tied here. I felt like I was just going to disappoint her again, all the while not getting what I needed. In my head I was still hearing “that ship has sailed,” and I felt completely un-sexy.How do I fix this? Somehow, I think some part of me wants it to be true, like depression is kicking in or something. I want it to break; I want me to break. But I don’t want to lose her. She really is the love of my life, and I could never be with another, nor would I want to be unfaithful. But now there is this self-fulfilling prophecy hanging over my head that we are just over. What do I do?
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confidence, depressed, foreplay, friend with benefits, hand-job, libido, oral sex, period, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ActualVelvet +, writes (27 June 2021):
ActualVelvet is verified as being by the original poster of the question Honeypie and WiseOwlE, thank you for your replies. And you are both right. We've (her and I) had a couple talks since, and been able to clear the air a bit. I told her I would try harder to see past whatever crap is going on in my head, and the past comments she's made which I took to be absolute. Apparently she is not entirely "asexual" or without desire sexually as she once stated. She meantions that she was reaching a threshold when it came to inactivity in our sex life... And she also, without prompting, noted that she felt she must have hurt me somehow with what she said. She's a much better communicator than I am. Seriously. I didn't want a quick fix necessarily, but I was feeling pretty low. That feeling is slowly fading and I'm sure it will be "right as rain" in not too long. The stupid part is that I wanted to fail, but luckily she's pretty brilliant and knows when things are amiss. Thanks again.
J,
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 June 2021):
 How about you two start with the basics?
Like, try a NONsexual but intimate massage, taking turns? Have the person who is getting massaged speak up where something feels really good (even in a sexual manner) to be touched.
IF she is NOT into oral, you need to accept that. While you got her off, made her climax, she obviously has some serious hangups about it if it made her CRY afterward. I think when she said she was a prude, she was right. You hoped that would change over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. For whatever reason, she ties some sexual acts to shame. That is perhaps something she needs to work on.
You two seem about to talk about this, which is great! So talk about what you would LIKE to try and have her tell you what SHE would like to try.
Sex is not just for procreating, it's for MUTUAL enjoyment too. So figure out how to make it enjoyable for you both. Do that by talking and by not pushing for something YOU want but she doesn't. (or vice versa).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): I'm sorry you're going through this--sorry for both of you. There is a delicate question that I wonder about. Was she molested at any point in her life? The complete submission you describe, the desire to just get it over with, the guilt she has about orgasming all seem strange. This is not a question you can blurt out; doing so could risk damaging her further (if she is actually a molestation survivor). You should start therapy with a professional who specializes in working with spouses of survivors. He or she could help you redetermine whether molestation seems probable and subsequently could work with you about how to help her and how you can learn coping techniques yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): You've initiated the solution by talking about it. You're expecting things to be resolved overnight. You're the one who suddenly had performance-anxiety; because you were overthinking, when you should have been enjoying yourself.
Let it all settle-down. It's not the end of the world, and nobody's going anywhere. Work from a blank slate. You've discussed the matter, you have a mutual-understanding; and she now knows how you feel. Now it's a matter of synchronizing your emotions, using patience, and letting-go of what it used to be like. Now you're on a new journey.
Patience, my friend!
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