A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband says that he mentally tries to delay his own orgasm and I wish he wouldn't because my body can't take it. Pleasuring him goes on so long that I dread sex. Rather than delaying his orgasm LESS he gives me suggestions on how I could last longer. I don't want to last longer. He also needs me to be believably "into it" and I can't because to me, it's pure exertion. He's been doing this thing lately where he insists on trying to please me even when I insist that I don't want it because that would take away from the energy I need to please him. He will tell me sometimes that he tries to masturbate but doesn't get anywhere most of the time. Sometimes he's able to with porn. I wish he would do that more often. I give it to him once a week and he still complains that I barely touch him. I try to make sure to do what I can once a week but only because if I don't, the risk of him going into a seemingly unrelated rage about something is higher. I often tell him that if he were capable of "quickies" I would most likely want to do it more often and actually be able to get into it. He doesn't seem receptive to that. Honestly, I think he wants to continue taking medications that happen to delay his orgasm more. He needs me to call what we do "making love". If he wants to call it "making love" that's fine but I feel like I'm lying when I call it "making love" instead of just sex. I wish sometimes he would allow me to please him without having to act like I'm "into it" because pretending is exhausting too. Maybe I'm the one who is nuts and needs counseling I don't know. Please share your thoughts even if they might be thoughts I might not want to hear. I obviously can't make him get help so if by chance the problem is all mine, that actually would be a good thing because I can make myself get help but not him. Thank you.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 The problem here is simple: you don't enjoy sex with your husband. It's not about finding ways for home to have less and quicker sex with you. Is about fixing the fundamental problem: finding a way for you both to enjoy sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): you should be honest with your hb and not lie anymore even though right now there's consequences for being genuine and not lying. Tell him the truth: (a) you just do NOT enjoy having sex with him, in fact tell him the truth that you find it a chore and unpleasant. (b) you do not feel this is making love it is just emotionless sex to you because it's so unenjoyable to you (c) why it is this way for you, it's because of his behavior and attitude.
Expect that he will get very upset when you tell the truth. then tell him that this just shows further how inconsiderate he is because he doesn't care how you feel. Instead, he wants to dictate to you how you should be feeling. That's controlling of him and it's him wanting to live in a fake delusional world where he is in control of everything including your feelings.
Tell him that you can fake and pretend and put on an outward show but real feelings of enjoyment cannot be created on demand just because he demands it, it's ether enjoyable to you or it's not, and right now it definitely is not. So ask him if he wants you to fake it for him knowing full well it is fake. Because what he's doing now is not enjoyable or pleasurable to you at all.
if he cares about you enough not to get defensive he will ask what can he do to make it more enjoyable for you. So then you have to list specifics, like you have done in your post. Have the sessions be shorter. Allow you to be as expressive or UN-expressive as feels natural for you. ALLOWING you to be natural is very important, rather than expecting you to act in ways that fit his fantasy but which really are not real for you.
the issue about how he complains you never do enough and barely touch him. Tell him them honestly that this is very hurtful because you are practically knocking yourself out for him so he needs to learn to be happy with what he has or to take care of his own needs by himself. It's not your job to take care of his needs. Real making love is a mutual sharing and mutual bonding. it's an expression of love and caring and appreciation. it's not a desperate getting-needs-met activity. if he thinks that marriage is about one-way getting needs met, then he has a very negative and damaging attitude which is driving a wedge in the relationship because it is so self-centered. And no, him wanting to pleasure you is not being considerate of you it's still him being self-centered because he's not focused on what you really want/need instead he's focused on "getting" to feel the way HE wants you to feel. if he still doens't get it then suggest you both see a couples counselor. if he refuses that, then stop having sex with him period because it's so unpleasant for you. Tell him that you are simply going to cease activities which are unpleasant and even painful for you as you have every right to protect your own body and your own health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): Your husband is selfish. He is using you for sex but he needs to call it "making love " to mask the fact even to himself that he is using you like an object for his sexual needs. You see many men know that its wrong or bad or scummy to use women as sexual objects. So he cannot admit that this is what hes doing because he will feel bad about himself. But he is doing it anyway because he is selfish or has other problems that override an ability to connect and have compassion. So he does what he does which is getting sex from you to relieve his tension or whatever but he cannot allow anyone to admit that he is just plain using you to make himself feel better (or even to feel just ok) that's why he calls it "making love " and why he "needs " you to pretend to be really into utmost if you act like you're really into it then he can justify to himself that its ok because you enjoyed it too.
It sounds like he has a problem because he NEEDS sex done this way for him to even feel OK. Sex is thus not a shared pleasure. Instead its about his regular dose of whatever he needs to keep away his anger. He is like al alcoholic who doesn't "enjoy " a drink per se the way we do instead he NEEDS to drink just to feel ok.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): He sounds like mine and I am sorry to say but we are getting divorced after 13 years marriage just like this. not just because of this but its one big reason symptomatic of deeper underlying reasons of dysfunctionYour hb (like mine) is self centered. Sex is all about what he wants. Yet he "needs " you to be into it and call it love making. This shows he is using sex as a escape fantasy and you are just a prop necessary to complete it. He doesn't actually care about your feelings if he did he would cater to it not demand you cater to his then tell you it is making love (my hb always calls it that too) .Let me tell you why you need to get help now or get out: after several years of his my dread of sex with him made me just not want to have sex and it was harder and harder to even fake it for his sake. He started to go off the deep end either getting angry or plunging into depression if I wasn't acting good enough. I started to reject sex because it was so unpleasant for me since after all my exertion for him all I get in return is anger or blame. He started to physically force me. I stopped pretending I outwardly showed my upset at being forced but he ignored it saying he was "making love " to me. I was afraid to rock the boat cos of his rage so i went along while hating it. A few more years of this really messed me up psychologically til I snapped and stopped allowing him to touch me at all I said if he or we didn't get counselling I will divorce him. So he has been in counselling a couple years. The counsellor said he has depression causing him to force me to take care of it through his sex fantasy which is unrealistic as i have found out. He claims i made him depressed because i wasn't into the sex enough. Typical. and I no longer allow him to touch me against my will no matter how depressed he is I am happier to not have to pretend any more but he is still depressed so we may still get divorced because the damage has already been done I cant stand his touch anymore.If you continue like this it will get worse and your relationship will deteriorate more than it already has. You need to stand up for yourself now even if it causes him to get angry. You have to expose the fact that he is not making love because you feel unloved you feel used as only he is benefitting. Just because he calls it love does not mean it is. You are just a prop he is using to get off in the way he needs. Part of his escapism fantasy requires the woman to be really into him sexually that's why he needs you to be into it and doesn't care how you actually feel, its because he has low self esteem and is using sex and you as a prop.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 It sounds like he thinks good sex, or love making, is about banging away for as long as possible. It's not! It's about intimacy, him pleasuring you orally and with his hands, kissing you etc, as much as penetrative sex. No wonder you're not getting in to it.
Does he know that it actually hurts a woman after a while, especially if she is not turned on? I feel that if he could get you turned on, and get you to climax before/ during penetration by focusing on your clitoris, you might be more interested and not see it as a chore (you say you give it to him, which sounds like a chore).
If you've said all this to him with no results, perhaps you could see a marriage counsellor or sex counsellor together? You say you can't make him get help, but if he thought the result would be a happier and more fulfilling sex life then surely he'd consider it?
I don't think you're nuts. You sound worn out and fed up, and I don't blame you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 January 2013):
 Seems to me that he "thinks" sex is all about what HE wants. Honestly, have you told him this is killing your libido?
You are going to end up not wanting or enjoying sex.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Having some "long" sessions of sex can be fun, but if both parties are not "into" it as you call it, where is the fun then?
What kind of medication is he taking? Viagra like substances?
I'm not sure what to advice really, other then be honest with him (and that didn't seem to work).
Tantric sex is about holding the orgasm back but enjoying the fire out of everything.. THAT is not what he is doing.
Seems like there is something else going on with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 He's having it all reversed. He's taking meds and that explains why he couldn't come as a side effect. He needs those meds, not because it helps him last longer. I assume the meds are benefical and essential for other areas and he will keep taking them. Not being able to come is frustrating for him. When you please him it's not about love it's about releasing tension. Although you can call it love too because you want to relieve him and make him feel better.
Going into rage because he is not getting what he wants is not acceptable! No matter how frustrating he feels.
Try giving him a prostate massage. It's not as tiresome as a handjob or blowjob. It gives him direct stimulation. Hope that helps and hope he will give it a try.
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