A
female
age
36-40,
*needadivorcepleasehelp
writes:I have been married for 3 years now, and we have a child together. My husband is physically and verbally abusive daily, and the only time we ever talk about anything is when he is yelling about something. It was never like this until our child was born. I am the only who works, he just sits at home and plays video games all day. He just started helping out around the house, since we just moved in with his parents and they get on him about helping out. Whenever I get paid, which isn't much because I only make minimum wage, I try to save some money for gas, because I only get paid 2 times a month. Well, after giving him half of what's left after paying the bills, he always ends up taking my money as well, then I have to borrow money for gas. If I ever spend any money on me, even 5 dollars, I get berated up and down, and constantly told how ugly and fat I am and stupid, even though I went to college, and he didn't even finish high school. The only reason I haven't left is because of our child, and I don't make enough to live on my own. I don't want to not live with my child. I am getting sick and tired of being embarrassed by him; I pay for my car and everything else, and he has the nerve to throw me out of the car and make me walk home when he gets mad over any little thing. I can't take it anymore. But, I also can't just leave. I need to find a good attorney, which I can't afford, also find a place to live, and get custody rights for my child, all without him knowing anything about it. I have tried to open a bank account without his knowledge, where I can save up some money, but before I can get to the bank, he takes everything I have. I know I should leave him, that's not what I want to hear; I need to know what my options are, and how I can go about this secretively. Please help me. Thanks for everything.
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divorce, money, moved in, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2010):
 An aunt wrote an article a while back and I bookmarked it for just such a post as yours. You need the exit plan. There are a whole host of links in the article, you just need to copy/paste them.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/love-shouldnt-hurt-signs-of-abusive-behaviour.html
Here is a checklist for preparing to leave:
http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/
I also strongly recommend that you contact these people for immediate advice and referral to a shelter. I think you are ready to go, you just need that plan and they'll walk you through it.
National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Phone 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
Website http://www.ndvh.org
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 April 2010):
 I agree with the aunts and uncles who suggest you take your child and go to a woman's shelter. They can help you with a restraining order and divorce as well.
Get out of there now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): Speak to members of your own family. See if anyone could offer you and your child a temporary home. Try your local church. Many have connections to refuge and shelters. Speak to youre doctor. You will need some sort of documented evidence of your husbands violence for the divorce and custody of your child. You can also go to your local police department and speak to them in confidence for advice on dealing with your husbands violence. There are also charity womens refuge centres that will offer advice and shelter. The important thing is to remove yourself and child from your present situation as quickly and safely as possible. Then worry about a divorce later. And once you have managed to remove yourself from this situation keep strong and dont be tempted to return and give your husband another chance. It rarely works.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 You can try the resources at these links,
http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/emergencyshelter.html
http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce.html
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Well you have already done the hard part, and thats seen him for what he really is and make the decision to do something about it. So you are way ahead of many others out there in your situation. SOOOO glad to hear it!
Well you mentioned about finding an attorney, getting a place, getting custody rights etc in secret. You cannot get custody rights in secret firstly, so one way or another, he is gonna know what you are planning. So as someone said before, find a womans shelter! They have all the resources there that you need, and I know those shelters dont let the abusive spouse visit, so you wont need to deal with him if you are there.
The other option is perhaps going to stay with your parents while everything is sorted out. If they live in another state, you will have to move, but you will at least have your families support and not have to worry about your child.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do! You have done so well already!
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (27 April 2010):
find a woman's shelter, they'll have resources for you, and legal aid. Work with them to formulate a plan and then execute it. Forget him, as he's forgotten you years ago!
Best of luck- there will be some pain, but life gets good!
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