A
female
age
41-50,
*alybug2008
writes:I need help. I've been in a relationship for almost 3yrs on and off. We live together and have a 16 month old daughter. During the course of our time together he has been bouncing back and forth between myself and his ex gf. He has also cheated on me with her and 2 other people. As I type this out I know what I should do and should've done a long time ago. But like I said, I need help. Everytime I get to the point of "NO MORE" I get the vision of him going back to his ex gf and it drives me crazy! I am crazy to stay with him too though. I lack the ability to do what's necessary. He proposed in March and I accepted the ring more as a "promise" ring. Since then I found out that a suspected affair really happened and lately he's been talking on the sly to his ex gf (the one he keeps bouncing back to). There is so much more to this twisted story I could be here for hours. But any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!
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female
reader, lalybug2008 +, writes (11 June 2008):
lalybug2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to THANK everyone that has responded as well as thank everyone that read my post. As I read my post back to myself and read the responses... as it's in black and white.. it's really a no brainer as to what I should do. But actually doing it is a different story. When I'm alone and can actually think about everything... I feel sick to my stomach that I've allowed such disgusting behavior in my life and that of my children. I have a 14yr old son as well. I lack the self confidence to go through with what I know to be the right thing to do. I am really disappointed in myself more than anyone can ever imagine. I always thought that I was a much stronger person. I guess I'm nothing but a weakling. I feel terrible for my children also. I know I have to do right by them. There's so much crap to this story though. So much. I feel as though I'm PAYING him to stay with me too. He doesn't have a job and has no intentions on getting one. I'm the financial supporting myself, my 2 children and him. He has a son with the girl he keeps bouncing back to and since my bf watches him during the day while she's at work, I'm somewhat supporting him too. He uses my car to pick his son up every morning and take him home too. When he picks his son up, he drops his ex off at her work. I don't feel that I should be supplying my car for that. But what I feel and think doesn't matter. He'll do it anyway. Her work is just around the corner too.. no reason she can't walk but this makes him look "good" in her eyes. I'm so sick of everything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Many of us know how difficult all of this is. And how hard it is to get strength and determination to end things which are hurting us over and over again. Bloody hard.
My advise hun is to take a look at where you are now, what position your in, financially, emotionally and support wise.
You have a child together which make it even harder. And I guess you had never expected or hope for this type of relationship. But lets just look at what type of relationship you do have. Many many times we ignore poor behaviour in the hope we got it wrong and it will all work out. Unfortunately in most situations like this, unless some major changes occur in him, this may be what you have to handle about his over and over again.
When he cheated in the past, what was the outcome on that between the two of you? Did you address it and what was his position then? Did he confess or was it never something he knew he could loose you over?
I beleive there are people who can cheat and people who can't. Simple as that for me. It seems like he is a cheater, and you don't want to take that crap from anyone.
My advice would be to keep the ring! Not make any plans on marriage at all. Look at what the position you will be in if you separate and make independent plans for yourself.
I would also have to advise you to get tested unfortunately for diseases, sucks but you just don't know.
I would tell him, you not comfortable with how he is behaving and that it has to stop. Ex has to go, and if you want the relationship to continue, you need counselling.
Most of the difficulties in breaking free or leaving someone and standing up for ourselves, is about personal strength and determination. When we have been emotionally or physical battered with treatment, it is hard and takes time to get to that place. Firstly you need to want it!
You can only decide if you want to leave. Leaving once that decision is made is easier. So I would suggest that you give yourself time and get your strength up with standing up to him. No one should take this crap. And now you know how disrespectful he is of your relationship you can take a different road. You have a baby which also does not need to live in a disfunctional family.
Maybe being separate for a while will help you and her.
It is your partners responsibility to grow up and realise that life, particularly when creating a family, requires committment and honesty. He is failing terribly in that area. Better you deal with this now or nothing at all will change.
Please don't get married until you know your potential husband can be trusted.
All my love and take care.
xxx
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (10 June 2008):
I think you have to leave. I think part of why you are staying is jealousy and a little for your daughter. I'm sure you two are fighting a lot if he is being unfaithful and that just isn't fair to your daughter she deserves to grow up in a happy family. He will never stop cheating on you and you know that you need to find someone to love you. Just keep in mind that after you find someone new you wont be jealous of his ex you will pity her because she will be with a cheater while you are with a man who love you and your little girl. Just one side note be careful while dating and make sure that you find a man who loves kids but based on your age there will plenty of mature enough men that will love your little girl greatly. Move on and make yourself happy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I have great empathy with you and for your situation, however:
As you yourself stated, you know what you should do.
I urge you to not just think of yourself; your dignity and self imgae that is getting destroyed daily; not to mention the emotional turmiol you are living in;
BUT
please think of your little girl;
is this a healthy environment for her to frow up in?
Is this how you want her to see lilfe; men cheating, women accepting;
You are not happy, you are emotionally abused;
BUT
Do you realize that lttle girl is to small to understand now, however, she senses your distress and it will affect her behaviour.
I suggest, you do what you already know you have to do, if not just for yourself, for your child.
Be strong, you have a child to think of!
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (10 June 2008):
 wowthis sounds really twisted girl. I am not sure what to tellyou. ... do you really want to be with this person? It sounds to me, that even if you guys will get marry .. he will still cheat on you...with his ex, or other people. Do you really want to put yourself through it and your baby? I personaly wouldnt. I would go away. Find a man, that deserves you. Not an as***!Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): First of all I can empthasise in your position, but you really are better than him and deserve to be treated better than this. I know the kid is one of the main reasons as to why you are finding it difficult to leave and for the simple fact that you love him. However, if he keeps 'bouncing' back and to even today; i don't see things ever changing him as he realises he can get away with it.
I think the best thing to do is leave him, and see if he comes running back to you, which he probably will. or you should give him an ultimatum - you or her. I know it is tough and agonising but you deserve better than what you are getting and if a recent affair is going on, your marriage will be untrue.
I don't know if i've been any help to you, but i really think you should leave him as you are being a doormat at the moment and he has you exactly where he wants you. I know it hurts but you can't carry on this way
:)
Good luck, and reply back! x
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