A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I hate being single. There I said it. I would like to feel loved, and be part of a relationship, to share things with a special someone. At nearly 29 years old, I have been single for most of my adult life and it is really beginning to affect my self esteem. In the last 10 years I have been on a handful of dates with about 4 men. No sex. No relationships, no love. No matter what I do, men just do not seem to want to be in a relationship with me.They all think I am a wonderful woman, with so much to give, and my male-friends always ask me why I am single... apparently I am such a good catch. Not one of them would date me though, or any other man it seems. I have tried all the traditional methods of meeting men. I have been through periods where I didn't mind being single and didnt look for men, being happy in my own skin. I have tried internet dating, but that also left me feeling exceptionally unattractive. Being told for the millionth time, can we just be friends..... arghhhh!!! I just do not know what to do any more. Why do people say I am so wonderful, and love being my friend, yet never want to take it any further.I am well educated, intelligent, my friends tell me I am caring, funny and lovely. Am I just ugly? Is that the problem?I fully realise that I am not getting any younger and ultimately that soon it will become even more difficult to attract men. Does anyone have any advice, tips or help with making myself more attractive to the opposite sex?I don't want to be desperate, I just feel so incredibly lonely, jealous and miserable as all my friends and collegues are marrying off, having families. And, they are now beginning to feel sorry for me as I cannot get a man. I am scared I am going to turn into a bitter old spinster, it frightens me so much that I will never experience any of this.
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jealous, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): You sound very passive. If you are such a great catch, perhaps men feel too intimidated. There's no reason why men should always make the first step. Ask single men out on a date.
You can go to a bar alone. I'm sure that a bunch of guys will hit on you if you are alone. If you are with a friend, then it's too intimidating for them. It's important to not have friends around you everywhere you go. It's always a bit scary to talk to a girl, if she's around friends then nevermind! If you don't go out then you will never meet anybody.
Why does Internet dating make you feel unattractive? You should register to okcupid.com and try it out. Write a nice profile, try to make it as interesting as possible. Ask your friends what are the best pictures of yourself. If you don't have any good, recent pictures, ask them to new ones. Browse profiles and send messages to men that you find interesting. Don't feel insulted if they don't answer. Most won't. Dedicate an hour of your time daily to the task and you will eventually go on many dates.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): I am having the same problem. I am confident, have a great job, nice, physically fit. I do get asked out but most of the guys are players. I am having a very challenging time finding the right one,. I am very discourag, but put a smile on my face everyday..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontobson - yes 4 men in 10 years. That is all I have been able to attract and it is not for lack of going out or meeting people. Men just do not want to date me. I meet lots of men, none of them see me as anything more than a friend.
eyeswideopen - Thank you for your kind words. I am just running out of patience. I have been patient for years and years and years, and I am getting to the end of my limits to smile, pretend it's ok and that I am happy. Because I am not. I am breaking inside because I feel so worthless.
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A
female
reader, Usagi  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 listen, i know that this situation is frustrating for you, but you have to calm down... from what you write you sound like a lovely girl but a bit insecure. just be yourself, dont try too hard to be attractive and the right man will come your way naturally. you are too young to be afraid of being a spinster! just when you meet someone don't get uptight and seek love right away, take it slow and it will happen.
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A
male
reader, daddylonglegs +, writes (5 January 2012):
Hi there,
You may be trying too hard for a relationship to develope,
it is hard not to knock yourself when you have approached
men in different ways, sometimes men see all the qualities
that you have,as you may be unapproachable.
From my own personal experience love is something that cannot be manufactored it will catch you one day when you least expect it, you are still young enough for love
believe me, age has no bounds where love is concerned.
If you are a socialable person you will meet Mr Right
one day and it will hit you like a Tornado, so live your
life for moment!!
There is a saying,
YESTERDAY IS HISTORY
TOMORROW IS A MYSTERY
TODAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD,
THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT!!!
Hope this has helped
Take care and kind regards
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Some statistics:1 out of 100 men you meet could be suitable for a relationship with you (because they're your age, single, etc.).1 out of 10 dates (this is an average that they found out in couple research, this number is from the book mars and venus) usually develops into something more, and maybe eventually in a relationship. So if you only dated 4 people, then you would have had to be extremely lucky to make one of them your boyfriends.I am as old as you, and single, and yes, also a bit frustrated sometimes, sometimes it's even terribly frustrating. It also gets me down sometimes, since I really try to get laid/ get loved.. maybe I look to desperate or not desperate enough. But there's the internet and it hugely increased my number of dates, and even if I haven't found love yet, I've had very pleasant evenings, afternoons and discussions with men and am constantly getting better at talking to them. I had 5 dates that I found over the internet last year, and it was fun. Also, I can't tell if you are ugly or not. But if you look at yourself you will probably know if you take enough care about your looks, or if you let yourself go recently. If you're not sure, then maybe ask a nice friend of you who won't take it as an opportunity to hurt you, but who also won't lie to you and try to give you good advice. That way I found out that I always dress really "innocently" (flower skirts, long curly hair, not much make up) and that guys obviously rather think I'm sweet, prudish and very young rather than hot and mysterious..Besides that, I want to give you a big hug!! And I wish you all the best for 2012 and hope you'll have yourself some dates and hope there' ll be one who sees your lover-potential :)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 My son (now 30) met his wife (now 36) and mother of his child when she was 34. She had never been in any real romances before she met him. I know you are feeling left behind but you really aren't that old. Patience Sweetheart, it will happen for you if you really want it to. Stay busy and visible, he might be walking around the corner this very minute.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 January 2012):
 One more thing...You mention that you're starting to have low self-esteem because you're single. If you're trashing yourself in front of your date or come off as someone who thinks very little of yourself, your chances of getting a man decrease.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 January 2012):
There is not much to go on from your post, since it is not an introspective look at yourself. 1. What type of men did you go on a date with? Was it a good variety or did they generally fall into the same category?2. Do you share too much information during your first date that sends them running for the hills?3. Do you tell them that you've been single for 10 years, or generally come off as desperate to be in a relationship?The fact that your male friends think you're a great catch, but none would date you, tells me that they're not being honest with you.A lot of people like to avoid negative feedback in order to keep their friend's feelings in tact. It could be that you do have some very unpleasant character traits, which is totally fine, as none of us are perfect.When you look at yourself, what are your negative traits that could rub people the wrong way? Like I said, you didn't provide us with a lot of information.I wouldn't worry about the 4 men you went out with. It could be that they did not feel compatible with you. If 4 men have asked you out themselves, you most likely are not this ugly freak, you're imagining yourself to be. You could give off the desperate vibe, which universally is a major turn off.Look at dating etiquette and see for yourself if you're committing some no no's.
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A
male
reader, tobson +, writes (5 January 2012):
Dear poster,I can totally feel with you. I had my first girlfriend when I was 26, also my first Sex about 3-4 months before I met her. We are still together, happy most of the time.I found that some people just need more time to find to their real self. If you d ask me what I changed I would tell you that I am the same person I was 10 years ago, just wiser more self confidence but same spirt. What changed was my environment, my friends and as mentioned my self confidence. Actually these three things went together, during my time in High School I was massively mobbed by my fellow students. I had bad skin, glasses and "friends" that keept my confidence low so they could feel better about themselves. This coined my for years. However I finally felt good about myself, my success in school and I just went out more often.You say you went out with 4 men in 10 years. I think you need to get out more often. Not necessary dates, alos friends. Friends have friends and some of them for sure are single. I think you simply need a better statistical sample to find the guy that appreciates you for the person you are.I tried online dating, but I found there was a shopping cart mentality involved way to much. Look at the picture, stats, compare, add to cart, checkout etc... I now believe that the real person you want to date needs to be experienced in real life. Dont worry about what you friends or colleagues think. Try to get more friends that are not married. I dont know if that helped, but I just wanted to say: you are not alone. I had the same worries for such a long time. I thought every idiot can get a girlfriend - but I cant. Am I too ugly, too weird. I wasnt and you are not either. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): Join the club! There are much more people in such a situation than you would expect. You will probably get answers like, you should put yourself out there more, find a hobby, etc. You can do that, but it won't help. If it is meant to be, you can find the right person anywhere in any situation.When it comes to finding a partner, mysterious forces are at work. It has nothing to do with your looks, personality or how much you have to offer. There is just no logic. People who are worthless, dumb, bad, lazy, nasty, alcoholics, you name it, always have a partner. While many people who are a real "catch" can't find anybody.I am like you, in theory a girl like me should have many admirers, who want to date me. In reality, nobody has ever been interested in me. I observe the society, especially the couples, hoping to figure out where is the catch. I used to think it was dumb luck, but now I think there is more to it.
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