A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts and uncles. I've been a long time reader and love seeing your advice and views. I never once dreamed I'd be writing in and asking for advice. So where to begin. It's currently 2.30 am where I am and this has just happened in the last 10 hours so forgive me for rambling. I've been with my fiance for 5 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Now this man I am with has always treated me like a queen. No joke. I don't mean material wise. Just whatever I've asked for help with, he'll help. Or if he's been at work 12 hours he will still pop to the shops after getting home. He's fantastic with my kids too....ok I'm rambling. Get to the point...i found out by total fluke, today he's been messaging another woman. He blatantly lied about it, repeatedly told me he loves me so much he'd never do it ( I know. Same old story, you've heard it all before...I've read it too haha) and when I got the truth from him after hours of back and forth he said it's because it was somebody different, just friends nothing more and it's been going on for above a month. He has messaged her infront of me and said he was calling time on their 'friendship' she kicked off saying they were only friends and what's the big issue. Now reason I am hurting is he denied it, never told me about her and then lied so am I justified in being this hurt? I have no issues with opposite genders being friends, but when it's been hidden and lied about? It doesn't sit right with me. I can already imagine the replies I'm going to get but I just need to make sure I'm not going round the twist.
View related questions:
at work, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): This is my two cents. I think he needs to elaborate and that "just someone different" line he keeps telling you. Soounds suspicious to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): I am engaged but I have friends at work who are male and which I sometimes hang out with. No one on one mind you, the whole group. My fiancee hears about them even if he hasn't met most of them, and he knows I work out with one at the work gym two days a week. I don't really text them unless we're ranting about work or talking about a mutual interest now and then. I have nothing to hide, so my fiancee has found out about these friendships naturally. I don't recount everything because he needs to know, but because I trust him and I see no reason to withhold information from him. Other people can be a bit more private, but still volunteer the information or meeting the person or even not having these friendships at all to protect their relationship. I can see his point of view where you might be overreacting. But personally I feel like it's a big red flag that he has lied about it and even deleted the messages (from reading your reply). Listen to WiseOwlE, he's got good advice. Communication is key even if it feels hard at first. Express your point of view, why you feel like it looks suspicious and if nothing's wrong he'll be open for you to meet her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): Hi, op again. Thankyou everyone. She apparently messaged him on fb saying hi. He did not know of her before this. It's the lying part that has got to me. He has female friends who I know and get on with, just as i have male friends and he gets on with. Some are now closer to him than me. So I can hand on heart say it wasn't just a jealousy thing on my part. I did ask him today how he would feel if roles were reversed and he hated it. He came home today with flowers which i said thankyou for but let's face it. I'm not a silly teen. It's a sign of a guilty conscience. If I hadn't have found out about this new 'friend' I can imagine where it would end up. I've asked what I have done wrong. Maybe lack of communication on my part? Not meeting his needs enough etc ( just need to point out there was no dramatics, just talking)and the only response I get is that I've done nothing wrong to him. I'm the best thing to happen to him yadda yadda. But when I ask Ok, so what role is this new friend playing all I get is it was just someone different. I think I've got it from here now you lovely lot. I'm quite a level headed person and not wet behind the ears. Thankyou so much for your advice. :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): [EDIT]:
"He lied, either because the whole thing isn't kosher; or he didn't trust you enough to handle it well."
Who you're friendly and/or associating with shouldn't be kept a secret from the person you plan to marry. Discovery by accident will lead to suspicion. Suspicion leads to distrust. Then all that good queenly-treatment is just pulling the wool over your eyes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): What I think you really need to do is sit down with your fiance; and tell him how this has damaged the trust in your relationship. He lied, either because the hold thing isn't kosher; or he didn't trust you enough to handle it well. If it's all cool, why wouldn't you?
Without seeming cynical, I'm inclined to think something isn't kosher about it. You don't have to keep your friends secret; unless they are friends with benefits, or that's being secretly negotiated.
Ask to meet his new friend. If he won't do that; there's your evidence that this was not on the up and up. If she was a secret to you; then maybe you're as much of a secret to her!
"He has some splaining to do!"
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 May 2018):
 I think there is more to this "friendship" than he was telling.
I have male friends but my husband KNOWS them. Talk to them and have MET all of them.
My husband has female coworkers get gets along well with who occasionally text or call to vent. (about work not relationship stuff). He also volunteer with a bunch of men AND women and he does TALK to them as well, over FB and on text. Wouldn't classify them as friends but he does TALK to them here and there. Again, I have met all of them.
You have been dating for 5 years so WHY has he not mentioned her at all?
While I do NOT think it's YOUR choice as to WHO he can talk to and whom he can not... I think it's just odd that he hasn't introduced his partner of 5 years to a "friend".
So I would have a conversation about boundaries. I would be upfront on how this made you feel and why. I would ALSO tell him (if you feel the same as me) that you are FINE with him having friends, but that you would like to meet them and know who they are. And then ask him HOW he would feel if all of a sudden you are testing some "dude-friend".
While I DO think TRUST is super important in a relationship, I don't think people needs to STOP listening to their OWN instincts in order to SHOW that trust. TALK about this.
And he doesn't even KNOW her? She is from an add? How? And what KIND of add?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 May 2018):
 If it was nothing then why did he lie to you? Lying means that you're doing something wrong and hence you feel the need to hide it. If it were indeed that harmless then why did he lie? You are absolutely justified in feeling hurt because of the denial and the lies.
Maybe he didn't tell you because he thought you would react but the only reason you would react is because you would get the "feel" that something isn't right.
Talk to him when you're calmer and in a better space of mind. Tell him this exactly. That you have no problems with friends of the opposite sex; it only becomes a problem when it's lied about.
Trust your instincts in situations like these.
And who is this woman exactly? Is she someone he's known for a long time? Or a new "friend"?
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 May 2018):
I don’t think you are in the wrong here at all. If there was nothing to hide, he shouldn’t have hidden it, but he did. I could believe that he might not mention it if it were just a few innocent texts, but to LIE? No, that’s shifty no matter how you try to spin it.
Now he’s done the right thing by cutting her off, so I don’t think it’s worth breaking up over or anything, but it might be worth a calm chat in which you explain that lying is not going to work for you in a relationship. I’d also ask him how he’d feel if the tables were turned and you were messaging a new male friend in secret without mentioning it. Sometimes people don’t really understand the other person’s feelings in situations like this until they consider it from their own point of view.
All the best to you and I hope you come through this stronger than ever.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): Thankyou it's the op. I did leave out a few details as I felt I was rambling on like how he doesn't actually know the woman it was a random add and hardly messages me and that no other messages get deleted except from this friend and his ex. Im leaving more details out but only because you're right. I cannot control another person. I suppose it hurt because more time was being spent on her than on me. I've always been very laid back. He's always out and about and I've never questioned it. I suppose I was putting 2 +2 together and coming up with 5.
Thankyou
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 May 2018):
 P.S. In your shoes, I would apologize for over-reacting, TELL him you trust him implicitly (which I assume is true?) and tell him you trust him to behave appropriately. Then leave this behind you and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 May 2018):
What exactly did you expect him to say to you about this friend? She is a FRIEND. Do you not have any male friends you message occasionally? Do you tell your fiance about EVERY friend you have and about EVERY message you send? I message male friends & colleagues all the time and it would not even cross my partner's mind to question me. Sometimes I show him the messages if they are something which could be of interest or are amusing. Many times I don't even mention them. I am not HIDING anything. We just don't live in each other's pockets or own each other.
You are his fiance, not his keeper. He treats you well. Very well, by the sound of it. In fact, he is in danger of letting you walk all over him. If HE was writing in, I would be telling him to grow a backbone.
I assume he was not actually HIDING this friend from you, just didn't ask your permission to message her. I think you need to be very careful here on how much control you insist on having over your lovely fiance. Next time he has a female friend he wants to message, he may remember the fuss from last time and be very sly about it so you don't find out.
Bottom line here is, do you trust him? If you do, then cut him some slack and trust he will behave appropriately with any female friends. If you don't trust him, then you need to question the whole foundation of your relationship.
...............................
|
