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Painful sex for wife is causing serious problems in our marriage

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2017)
A male Sweden age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi. I am married to a woman who is wonderful other than the fact that intercourse is very difficult for her. We don't have kids, she is working and so do I. We were both virgins before we met and there was some problems in the intimacy department, but I just thought we would work through them and was happy to at least have some types of sex for the first time. I'm a good loving husband, but I admit, I am very bad at handling situations like this. Either way, I've done a lot in the last year to help her get better, but seems like she keeps coming back to her old ways. She recently confessed that when there was certain pain in the first few times and how I didn't react to it well, which made her more insecure. And she'd already had self image problems so it apparently damaged her self-esteem severely. Now she is always extremely nervous to the point of either avoiding it as much as possible or trying to do it just for my sake while not enjoying it in the process. I make everything as romantic and gentle as possible, but often it still ends up that I myself start to stress out and lose the mood when she's like this. It's the worst after a week or more of waiting , I honestly can't think straight anymore. I understand she is working and tired a lot, but on free days, I don't accept the excuses. Not to mention there is no sex on periods at all, which basically leaves us 3 weeks per month and only 2 days per week to even hope for something that may not even happen... I don't know how to control my urges as I've already toned it down so much for her (ideally I'd want it daily). She offers other ways without intercourse, and i appreciate it but it's not the same thing. She keeps promising that she would change over time but can't tell how much time does she need exactly. Lately we argued again and I told her I can't wait forever and I must see the changes asap because it's starting to affect me too. It seemed to scare her a lot to realize I might actually leave even though I'm not really planning on it yet, but I don't how know else to push her to understand that it's a problem that she must deal with. I can't change it if whatever I do is still not enough to forget what that happened 2 years ago. I'm not really looking for an advice as I know my options already, but it's just so difficult when I read online how couples have sex many times a day. I don't wanna be such a pervert and think about it all the time, but in this situation I' have no choice but to use porn for my relief. I see it's a common problem in relationships, but I wasn't one of those people who put sex above everything. However, lately I've been feeling so frustrating as if sex is the only thing I want and my rational brain is slowly dying.

View related questions: both virgins, insecure, period, porn

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2017):

Very few women are willing to have sex daily and even fewer WANT to have sex daily. You have to accept this. You think it is hard for you to accept having less sex? Well look at it from her perspective-- to keep her husband happy she has to accept something painful.

Hopefully sex will get less painful for her in the future, but it is unlikely that she will want sex much more often. If this is a dealbreaker for you, you should leave.

Keep in mind that you are young, and your sex-drive will probably slow down, perhaps in a few years. However, even if you decide that you are willing to wait and hope for the best, your wife may decide that a self-centered man who demands painful sex too often is not for her.

Obviously sex and frequency are a big deal in a marriage, and this is a reason why premarital sex is a good thing: you can make sure you're sexually compatible before a big commitment.

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A male reader, sleepwalker United States +, writes (23 April 2017):

Sex and sexual intercourse are two totally separate things. Sexual intercourse is a part of sex, not be all end all of it. The sooner you and your wife realize this, the sooner the two of you can explore other forms of sex that do not involve sexual intercourse with the help of a qualified sex therapist. But first you have to conquer your anger and your wife has to conquer her fear.

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A female reader, missmatador United Kingdom +, writes (21 April 2017):

missmatador agony auntDear Anon,

It sounds to me like you are both lacking in some sexual maturity. Daily sex is something that is completely unrealistic and, to be completely frank with you, painful for a woman.

It sounds, to me, as though you are putting all the pressure on your wife for your issues in the bedroom rather than looking introspectively at how you can change the situation. You are far to preoccupied with the number of times you should be getting your end away to focus on what really matters; pleasure and intimacy in each individual occurrence of sex.

You wife has indicated that you have made her feel self-conscious and I can see why considering you can't seem to connect with her physically enough to recognize the pain she felt and how unsafe that would have made her feel. Sex is about communication and respect and you are showing her absolutely none.

My suggestion is that BOTH of you seek therapy for sexual intimacy. She needs it in order to fully understand how her body works and to trust you and you need it so you understand that sex is not a personal deposit for your masculinity to tally up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

If she doesn't want to have sex, don't manipulate her or push her for it. That's horrible !

Its obviously all about YOUR NEEDS while it sounds like you have not been doing it well with her from the start that you even hurt her and caused her sphycological effects !poor woman

You need to control your needs (human can do it we are not animals) and give her ALL the time she needs.

If you are not happy, just go.

One more thing, how can you have sex with her when you know she doesn't want too ?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

Your wife's sexual health sounds like it will be always be an issue she needs to see a therapist to try and work the issues out .. You sound very selfish so do what's best and leave her now don't treat her like this or cheat on her she deserves better !! Your lucky she still offers you anything sexual at all ..you knew before you got married she had issues your not Mr magic that can solve problems like this .. She need help but from a therapist ,so why marry her ?? You will cheat on her as this issue may never be sorted , so leave her now before you belittle her any more you clearly didn't mean your vows (better or worst)

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