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My husband says he's getting something from a couple we've been involved with. Something that he doesn't get from me!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 1 May 2017)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband and I are having a foursome with another couple. The wife used to be a friend of mine that I thought I could trust. We all set boundaries that we didn't want to cross. But she has crossed all the boundaries that my husband and I set. My husband isn't mad and actually doesn't think I should be either. It's more of a respect thing for me that's why I'm upset. She doesn't call me anymore only the group text with me and the men. She and my husband are constantly flirting with each sexually. And he has told me she's giving him something I don't. His response to that is that she flirts with him. I'm sorry we've been married for 15 years with 2 kids. I obviously don't flirt with him like I used to but I don't ignore him we have sexy at least 5 times a week and have for years. He's attitude changes to a negative attitude when I tell him I don't want to hang out that evening with them. He was also watching porn almost everyday and had for years. I explained to him that I don't think I please him. He says he has stopped watching porn. What do I do

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017):

That female so-called called friend of your sounds like a desperate piece of trash! Sadly,some females are like that, they are selfish and desperate. Your husband sounds weak. It sounds like you found out how those two really are. Talk to your husband more about how you feel and make deadlines/ultimatums to dump that situation. Definitely, dump the fake female friend!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2017):

Thank everyone, it makes more confident that I'm not going crazy this real I'm in the wrong (in a sense).

The icing on the cake was yesterday my birthday present with generic card was dropped off at my work by her with a text saying happy birthday left your present at the front desk. but in march it was my husbands birthday and she proceeds to be adiment about us coming over to celebrate she makes two cakes on on Saturday and one that Monday his actual b day and gives him a sexual card. Granted we are distant at the moment because of the her lack of respect for me. But still that is just another thing that points to her wanting my husband emotionally and sexually and I'm just there. Her husband is extremely respectful and is sweet. Which my husband has even made the comment if you and him where like me and her this wouldn't work. Red Flag. I'm sorry I have had this weighing on my chest and have no one else to talk to. I need a outside the box opinion. I know my husband loves me and is sexually attracted to me but why can't he stop talking about these people. I just want to leave them alone. He can still be friends with the guy but he knows that I don't want him friends with her. And he agrees but he still talks about them. And his reason is... he just doesn't understand her? Wtf

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (24 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou don't mind sharing him sexually but not emotionally. But it is clear from your post he does have an emotional attachment to this woman. If he is actively doing something that is upsetting you then he doesn't care about your feelings, he is awful for using your illness to make excuses for his behavior. Honestly you deserve better. If this was me then I would make him choose between you and this woman. If he cannot give her up then he is emotionally attached and that is not fair on you. You will live your life feeling upset and with a husband who doesn't care how he makes you feel.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017):

Unfortunately this is exactly what happens when people invite other people into their bedroom.

Intimacy is meant to happen between TWO people. Not 3 or 4 and so on...

It just does not work that way. That's impossible.

So, if I were you, I would accept you have chosen to ruin your marriage. It is over. You will never be able to go back to the way it once was over this BIG, BIG mistake.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2017):

I think you have a host of advice .

He is emotionally cheating by the boundaries you both put in place .. you have to draw the line in the sand, if he can't and cut contact with this couple .

I have a qs .. are you strong enough to do that .. cut contact .. put your sexual urges to the side and stand your ground .

From what you've posted lately ; it would seem you will allow your husband any leiway just to keep him ; that's how I see it .. even if your hurting .. he pushed and you give in as you enjoy the sex but then your hurting emotional afterwards .

No contact with this couple and I would explain to her husband that if he thinks emotional cheating is good then that's up to him but your not having any of it .

If he can't draw a line and stay away then you need to reevaluate what are you getting from this and make his ass.. grass .

But only you can do these things .. we can only advise . If you so wish or you just keep going the way you all are that's the choices as I see it .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

I've never been a jealous or unsure person. I don't mind sharing my husband sexually but emotionally I draw the line. I've expressed my feelings to all of them. None of them understand where I'm coming from which makes me upset. Because I've always stepped back and evaluate the situation and try to put my self in others shoes. And it's fine that the other couple doesn't care about my feelings but it truly hurts me to know my husband doesn't. I'm a sexual freak in the bedroom more so than any of the other 3. But during the day I'm a mom and housewife And I go above and beyond to meet all of my families needs. My husbands friends all tell him I'm the perfect wife without knowing about our foursome. Don't get me wrong the foursome is fun but what's not fun is not getting any respect. If someone told me they where uncomfortable with something I wouldn't do it. But this girl anything I say I'm uncomfortable with or I'd appreciate if didn't do something she goes and does it. I've explained to my husband that that's not a friend or a lover and I don't need someone like that in my life. But yet he continues to push the situation so I give in so everyone else is happy. But inside I'm really sad. My husband knows this but obviously doesn't care he actually gets mad and defends her and says everyone is like her. And I just have to high of expectations. I also flirt with my husband but I've realized he's needier than I thought. I'm not needy and don't need to be stroked constantly so it's hard for me to grasp to thank him for throwing his own trash away considering he rarely does it. He normally just puts it on the counter for me to come by and pick it up and throw it away. I know that was in left field but that's a daily thing in my home. I also have M.S. so I get really tired and hurt he throws it in my face everyday. He blames my condition on being the reason I'm upset about all of this. But that is not the case. Please help me


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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou learn not to involve other people in to your marriage. Inviting another couple in to your bed was the worst mistake you could have made. He is having a better time with her, and she would rather your husband. It is time to try and save your marriage, and that means breaking all contact with the other couple. If your husband is not prepared to do that then it seems to me he is falling for the other women, well sexually at least. It is time to put an end to this before it destroys your marriage. It is a lesson to be learnt.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

You can't tell people what to feel or who to feel for. It will happen if you invite outsiders into your commitment.

Why can't you flirt with your husband? Teasing and titillating him with flirtations are what couples do no matter how long they've been together. If he wants it, why not give to him?

He's actually making up stuff to justify the fact they're breaking the rules. It's inevitable in these swinger situations. You're far from naive, my dear!

If he watches porn every single day, seems he has developed an addiction to it.

If he pouts about not including others in your sex-life; I guess it has now gone too far and he considers it a necessary part of it.

Time to rethink and reassess your marriage. He's deeper into the poly-amorous lifestyle; with porn on the side. He has too many tastes to return to tradition. Over-indulgence always leads to gluttony, girlfriend.

Tell him you want to return to a monogamous-marriage, no more extra wheels; and see how he reacts.

If you don't like his response, you have two options.

You can return to the regular routine with the other couple; or you can get yourself a good divorce lawyer.

He's too into it, and at this point he will go behind your back to continue getting what he wants. Old habits are hard to break.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

It never occurred to you that your husband might enjoy sex with another woman more than he does with you?. Or that he could develop feelings for a woman he has regular sexual contact with? This is why open marriages or "poly" marriages break up at a much higher rate than monogamous marriages. The partners aren't really committed to one another.

So are you better off with him m or without him? Is he otherwise a good husband and father? If he is bide your time and the affair may burn itself out. Or you and the other husband could find yourselves the odd men out only time will tell.


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

I think you need to draw the line with your husband, and say that since the boundaries you both made on the four somes have been broken . Then there is no other choice than to stop .

He is being pulled elsewhere . If he wishes to hide behind the facade of a foursome to spend time with this female then you are calling his bluff and he can have her and she him . So he can leave . If he chooses . If he chooses to stay then he no longer speaks about this female you nonger participate in foursome and he becomes a loving husband he should however if he doesn't agree . Then ..

You will divorce him on his adulterous relationship as you are saying this isn't what you both agreed with and you wish him every success once you and ( if you have children) are well provided for .

You stick to your guns . And this is what happens when you mix sex with others ..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

What is she getting from her you will not or can not give him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

Did you really want this foursome?? Do you like sharing your man?? If not tell him you want to stop sharing him if he loves you he wont mind ... Dont live life unhappy , good luck

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