A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone me and my fiance have been together nearly 4 year but lately our sex life has became non existant. im this normal? I'm lucky if it's once a week. we have just came back from a week's holiday and didn't have sex at all while we were there. It was our first holiday together. is this normal? thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017): Yes! Going on holiday once in four years is QUITE unusual!
Oh, as for the sex thing, perhaps you are incompatible sexually? Once a week is probably around average. How often do you want it, and how often does he want it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Did sex slowly decline, abruptly stop, or just putter-out? Sex in a long-term relationship peaks and plateaus; and then it may drop to an all-time low. You get used to each other, and it gets a little repetitive, predictable, and even boring. It always feels the same. No kissing, just routine humping. Blah!
If you've been having a lot of work-stress, not getting much sleep, have financial woes, or fight a lot; sex screeches to a halt. Think back to when it first started to fizzle-out; and think about how you've gotten along from then until now.
It's normal to slow-down, but it usually picks up after a few weeks or months. Sometimes it come out of nowhere, you just get horny for each other. People don't know how to communicate about their feelings. One partner doesn't want to discuss touchy subjects like sex; and the other doesn't know how to put their feelings in words. It's awkward!
You want to know why? Sometimes a guy takes any conversation about sex as complaining about his libido, lackluster technique, or lack of manliness. So he'll avoid the topic.
In the case of a cheater. He's spreading himself too thin, and he runs out of steam. If he spends too much time away from home, won't look you in the eyes, shows no affection at all, and has a lot of time unaccounted for. Address it. Tell him what you've observed. If he avoids the topic, tell him what you think it is anyway. You're open to discussion. If he won't talk about it, tell him how you feel anyway. He should know. Explain without screaming, emotionalizing, or nagging. Discuss it like a level-headed woman who wants to know what's wrong with her lover.
If he wants out. Let him go. Don't cling to a man who deprives you of his love and affection. He's just using you to take care of him, but he's not taking care of you.
If he is otherwise sweet, kind, gentle, affectionate, and very loving; but not too sexy. His sex-drive is not as high as yours. He may not need it as much as you do. We all change with time and age. Just not exactly at the same time.
If you don't talk, you'll start forming all sorts of dark suspicions; and frustration will make you accusatory. Maybe he's cheating, maybe it's my extra weight, maybe I'm not as pretty as I used to be. He's a porn addict...so on and so-forth.
Mainly, it's just a normal phase in extended-relationships.
In some instances, porn is the culprit. Diddling himself, and getting all his satisfaction from a good wank. Some guys think that's an alternative to cheating. Not if you're holding-out in secret. Until you get caught!
Unmatched sex-drives can also cause loss of synchronicity. Women reach their sexual-peak between 35 to 45-50; while a man's testosterone-level starts to decline at about age 35.
That is, for those guys who aren't physically-active. Lie around the house, drink a lot, and don't eat right; or get exercise. Good diet and exercise keep your levels up. Some have naturally high levels of testosterone; and their libidos stay the same right into their 60's and over. One thing is usually common about guys like that, they are usually very active. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they direct all their sexual-energies towards their spouses or girlfriends. Like women sometimes lose interest in sex after having a kid or two. Yet they're still quite young and vibrant.
I had the same partner for 28 years. I'm much into physical-fitness. He was one of those guys with a healthy libido. To keep things going, you learn how to communicate. Keep the arguments to a minimum, pay each other compliments, and learn to control your tempers during disagreements.
Don't carry grudges and call names. Enjoy touching and exchanging affection. If he can't keep an erection; don't get weird. Sometimes guys hide having erectile dysfunction. It still gets hard, but doesn't stay hard. It could be due to age, or stress. Undiagnosed diabetes, or side-effects from medication. Not to exclude too much masturbating to porn.
Here's the hard one to say to your partner. You've just let yourself go; and it's not much of a turn-on. It goes either-way. It can happen to either of you. That's hard to admit to anyone. That's just life, and it happens. It's something you can fix, if you want to save your relationship.
If he seems to put distance between you, be direct. Ask him if there's a problem? I always address things directly. I don't beat around the bush about what I can see with my own eyes, hear with my own ears; or experience and figure-out with my own logic.
We always talked. We talked about our needs, experimented with new things without judging each other as weird; and we laughed a lot. Laughter keeps life in a relationship!
He was a big tease and a jokester. This kept passion and fun in our very long relationship. He died of cancer. I have a new guy now. We're both mature. We're still into fitness, but he's six years younger. Very creative in bed. That's a plus. Being creative. It doesn't always have to be the same old thing every-time. A few weeks can go by and all we do is cuddle. Nobody complains. Then things rise again! Pardon the pun!
Try being direct. Ask him if everything is okay, if he's feelings stress, or if there's something he needs to tell you. Be all ears. He might have something to tell you. Be grown-up. You won't know until you ask him. We can only speculate here on this site.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 July 2017):
Sound weird. You should confront him about this.
If you want sex, you should not ASK for it, just GET IT. Take the initiative, and see if he goes along with you.
If he stops you and your advances, then something may be going on in there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 July 2017):
 I don't think there is a "normal" setting for how much sex you should have at any given stage in a relationship and in life. However, I do think it sounds on the VERY low end of the "spectrum" to only have sex once a week at your age 4 years into the relationship.
Do you ever initiate? Have you talked about it?
What is going on in your lives that might be a reason for the decline?
How long has it been since you had (in your view) a healthy amount of sex?
Do you realize that IF you marry this guy a RING on the finger and some vows will not change the amount of sex, more likely it will decline further.
YOU need to sit down and talk about this. Maybe he is wondering two. Maybe you two are really not well matched in the "sexual need/want department".
I can not imagine being on a nice relaxing holiday with my loved one and NOT go at it... one way or another.
TALK to him. He is really the only one who can give you answers.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (31 July 2017):
 I would say for a couple in their early 30s to go on holiday for a week and not have sex is unusual, especially as it sounds like you do normally have sex once a week, it's not as if it has stopped altogether, despite you claiming it is 'non-existent'. Did you talk about having sex when you were on holiday? Is he stressed at all at the moment? It might just be a temporary blip, but if it's worrying you, speak to him and say you were surprised there was no sex when you were on holiday. See if he opens up. Good luck x
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