A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am trying my hand at online dating after being newly single and out of an 8 year relationship. I keep getting bombarded with messages from men I am not interested in. If I ignore then they keep messaging me and plus I feel it is better to be honest. However when I am honest about not being interested, they get rude or whiny. So what's the right thing to do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (18 November 2011):
Try your local cafe,nightclub,bar or library.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 I had the same problem - I was bombarded with messages from men on dating sites, none of them were the sort of men I wanted to date and 90% of them were quite frankly mad or retarded (harsh but true!).
What I have done to solve this is right at the very beginning of your profile put a 'disclaimer' explaining that if a guy does any of the below then you wont message back. I have about a million things that a guy cant do in a message (i.e. write in text speak, send one word messages, request hook-ups/sexting etc) so I give a big list at the start of my profile. This has worked a treat - I only get messages now from half decent people who have actually read my profile and made an effort. And there is always going to be the occasional message that gets through from an idiot but if it does I simply ignore it. If they message me again after ignoring them then I block them.
Yes it might all be a bit harsh, but to find someone normal on an online dating site is hard enough so there is no point wasting your time ploughing through crap messages from idiots.
And one final thing - dont wait for the men to come to you, make sure you are messaging the guys you like! I have found the nicest guys actually dont message girls much, so you have to be brave and take the first step yourself. The only men I have been out on dates with from an online dating site have been the ones I messaged first - only the crazy men seem to message me first so I have to take the initiative and message the normal ones first.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 November 2011):
This is a BIG reason why I quit online dating--constantly being bombarded by guys you're not interested in or attracted to and actually feeling bad because they took the time to write you and you feel bad just ignoring them.
Unfortunately, you just have to ignore them. Although you want to be honest and not hurt anyone's feelings and trying to politely tell them you're not interested only pisses some of them off--so just don't respond.
The only time I felt the need to tell someone to stop contacting me is whent the dopes who have their prewritten messages forgot that they sent it to you before and send it to you again--a total generic email they send to every chick. Absolutely annoying and I will tell them that they already contacted me with the same line, but thanks!!!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 A lot of good answers here.
Most men seem to understand that women get a lot of attention on these sites, but I suspect most of them don't truly realise just how much and how overwhelming it can be.
I haven't used dating sites, but I have been in (non sexual/dating) chat rooms and the vast majority of men I had to reject were grateful that I even took the time to politely decline. If most of the responses you're getting are rude, then I suggest you try a different site, something that caters to a more mature crowd.
I understand that desire to be polite, but you simply cannot answer everyone, as I came to learn myself. You'll have to grow a thicker skin and allow yourself to be more discrimminating.
If it makes you feel better you could always add a blurb to your profile. Something along the lines of 'I'm new to this site and appreciate all the invitations, but due to the large volume I simply cannot respond to all of them. My apologies in advance to anyone who does not receive a reply.'
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Mad Cat +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Interesting seeing this dating site stuff from a girls point of view.
I was on a dating site for almost 6 months, not once did I get a spontaneous message from any women –NOT ONCE!-
Here and there I got replies but only because I did my best to write to them in extensive detail first but even then the replies I got were rather watery. But not once did any women spontaneously send me a message with something like “Hi how are you this morning?”
A friend of mine experienced the same thing, he had to do all the work before any woman at all bothered to reply to him. You girls should make a fake account as a guy to see what it’s like for us, then you’ll know what it feels like to be totally unnoticed. I could only dream of being bombarded with messages from girls. Dating sites are obviously no place for guys, we’re better off in the real world.
Too be honest I think it’s ridiculous to complain about being bombarded with messages. I mean you girls have to do basically zero effort and you can already pick and choose. Why complain?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): When a new profile appears you will get bombarded with men who specifically search for the newbies. They have probably been members for quite a while and have tried or contacted all the women who have been on the site longer.
You can ignore or block them and sit it out till they get bored, wait for the genuine men who want a relationship to come through, or give up. Ime not a fan of dating sites thought it was time consuming and full of timewasters just after sex.
I would be single for a while after an 8 year relationship though - if its a recent thing.Then the chances are you will meet a genuine man via the real world.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Good post. Ive always wondered what all those females who reject me think now I know sending them rude messages really irks them. But on another note I think your going about this the wrong way when you are in the mall shoe shopping you dont wait for the shoes to hop in your purse no you pick the ones you like. Why are you waiting to be messaged? why dont you contact a guy you find interesting? most dating sites have privacy filters where you can control who can contact you send you messages view your profile etc. 8 years is a long time are you even ready to jump back in to dating why did the last relationship dissolve? your probably the same person you where 8 yrs ago if anything youve probably grown more bitter and set in your ways, more demanding, i dont know whatever. just take a vacation and chill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): I hear your pain. What you articulated so well is part of the reason I quit online dating after a few months. I used OkCupid and it seems if you ignore people, you appear more "selective" and hence get more "throw-away" messages; you are bombarded with "hellos" or dirty messages from guys who are just trying their luck and canvasing people. If you take the time to be honest and tell them you're not interested, you are likely to get a nasty response back.
I'm not sure either of these sorts guys in real life circumstances would act this way...but that is the drawback of using the internet to date...people will say anything.
There is no right thing to do in responding to people. I think being honest is a great policy. People who chose to date online usually wait it out till they meet someone they connect with and feel comfortable meeting in real life. I've heard of people being online for years before meeting someone they wanted to take seriously.
All that said, you can meet great people...I 've met and dated one. There are cons though: I find online dating incredibly time consuming and depending on where you live, you can easily run into other online people that you've rejected in real life. This is massively awkward. (That's happened to me twice now while training to work.)
If you're fresh out of an eight year relationship, I would suggest putting off dating for a while. Perhaps the reason you're not finding anyone you like is because you're not exactly sure what you want. It's hard to put yourself out there after being a long term relationship...online dating can make it seem easier to meet people than it actually is, but I think it's genuinely hard to open up to new people and trust them if you've been with someone for 8 years.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Either way people don't like getting rejected. Some have been there for a long time and for some reason, they are bitter because either they project negative energy, or they have nothing to offer in a relationship and therefore keep getting rejected. If I completely ignore them they would ask for a reason, and tell me to tell them I am not interested so they don't waste time. If I say why I am not interested, they react and say I am judgmental, or my profile is fake, or I am a player.
The best thing to do really is to block people who keep messaging you. Screw what they think. A minute spent replying to those men is a minute wasted on looking for the right one.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (18 November 2011):
 Be honest, it's the best thing, and if they become rude or whiny, then there's a good reason why you aren't interested, right there!
I do it all the time xD
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