A
female
age
41-50,
*db
writes:Okay, I can't believe I am doing this, but am desperate to say the least... I will do my best to keep it as brief as possible, but it is quite complicated.Bf of 3 yrs broke up with me 2 months ago, since then I have felt nothing but hurt, confusion, mixed emotions, and anger. More than anything I want to understand his motive's. This is not so much about getting him back or how I can move on, but rather how all this could happen.Background: We met when he came into the store I was working at at the time. After a brief convo, I offered to help him decorate his loft (I worked at a design store) with out even thinking about anything more than a proffesional relationship. Gave him my biz card, he never called. The following week he came back into the store and through my dept. We chatted again and made plans for the following Sunday. I ended up needing to cancel, and during that call we ended up having a great conversation. After that we began seeing each other on a personal level. Our relationship moved quickly, even quicker than I was comfortable with. I allowed myself to get carried away because he was so great on paper (succesful, older, handsome) and it felt great. The chemistry we have is explosive, the sex is great, and we just share this unexplainable connection. All of this is just not my delusion, but things he has said since our break up. Long story short, shortly after we began dating he started having very clear commitment phobe issue's and was experiencing an extensive amount of baby mama drama. He fathered a child with a stripper who he did not have a relationship with. At the time K (the child) was almost 2, and B (the boyfriend) had not had a consistent relationship with him. Well, it started to get to him so he began visitation. I actually went with him for his first official court allowed visitation. With out getting into it too much, the baby mama is a MESS, and has no business raising this child. I did my best to support him and encourage him to do the right thing. And about 6 months into our relationship, he decided he needed a break to figure out how he felt about me. He at that point had already told me he loved me then took it back, lol... I of course was devistated and ended up doing everything I shouldn't have, but eventualy he concluded that he did love me and wanted to be with me. 2 months later he was promoted and transfered an hour and half away. Then in 2007 he filed for custody of his son. I eventualy got a job in the same city as he, and moved to the city we both HATE. We began devoting all of our time to his custody case and proving the mother unfit, and focusing no time on ourselves or our relationship. We both became depressed living in this crappy place, we fought more and more. I tried several times to break it off, each time forgiving him for his transgression (not cheating) and taking him back. I have completely placed my life on hold for this man and his child. Jeopardized my job and relationships to devote my time to fufilling his needs and working on K's custody case. This is not even the half of it I am afraid, but don't want to write a novel. About a week after our 3 yr anniversary he tells me that he loves me but is "not in love with me". It made me sick... He went back and forth b/t us being on a break, and being completely broke up. I suspected that there may be someone else (which he of course denied)... Well I was right, the same girl I was suspicious of before our break up is now the girl that he began seeing 1 week after our break up. He has lied about this relationship and denied the seriousness of it, and maintained his desire for us to be friends. Since we broke up and he has been with her I have attended court with him, we have had sex 6 times (we have not had sex now for a month now though), and he calls and comes over frequently to hang out. But he always leaves to be with her. I should have been wiser, but I wasn't I profesed my love for him, pleaded, begged anything you can think. I know he is lying to her to spend time with me, he bought me the most thoughtful bday present, compliments me, touches me intimately (not sexualy), and I can see "it" when he looks at me. He says he wants me to be happy, but freaks out if he thinks I am with someone else. Now I have had my fair share of freak outs. I have said horrible things, held him hostage (lol, stolen his keys), refused to leave his home, basicaly all the things a psycho ex girlfriend does. This is all completely out of charachter for me. Yet, he still continues to want to be my friend after each freak out. I don't get it?!?! If he doesn't love me, if he want's to be with her, why the need for all this?!?!Okay, so here is the even bigger problem... I care and still love his son as if he were my own, and for the most part my ex too. I think I may have killed the chances for anything (romantic or friendship) forever last night. I found out he took the new gf around K and again flipped out, ended up going over to his house not knowing she was there and demanding to retrieve the last few things I still had there. Needless to say he did not appreciate this, and as I was explaining myself, out pops the new gf who proceeds to tell ME to leave. I was quite suprised how calm I was when I told her to go back inside, rather than punching her in the face. She did go back inside after he told her to, but still felt the need to make her presence known while I was loading my truck. Sometimes even as I am saying something I can recognize that I should stop, but I don't. Well, I ended up saying "he told you we had sex didn't he?". This girl is not going to believe me, and all it did was piss him off even more. I loaded the rest of my things and left, called him like a psycho and eventualy left a message apologizing. I didn't plan for this to happen and I know he is also to blame, but I feel awful about all of this and just don't know what to do... Please help me sort through this mess... After everything we have been through together I hate for it to end like this. What is he thinking?!?!?!
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female
reader, kdb +, writes (3 December 2009):
kdb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your help... Dropped his things in the mail today... It wasn't as expensive as I thought after all
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Ok, does he have a friend or family member that you could leave the items with them and send him an email where they can be picked up?
That is what I would do....if they are so valuable and he would need them.
Of forget about the heavy jewelry box as if it has sentimental value, then why isn't he worried about where it is? Possibly he could get it from you much later, much much later...after you have moved on completely.
A mattress warranty is not important, that stands with the manufacturer if he has the document or not, but what you could do is scan a copy and email it or mail that and the video tapes to him as that would probably fit in one of the express mail boxes that are no more than $9 no matter the weight, or if they are lighter and can be mailed in an vinylized paper envelope then mail them that way.
At all cost I would not try to meet up with him or deliver them personally, it isn't really your job anyway.
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A
female
reader, kdb +, writes (28 November 2009):
kdb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, okay, I should have been more specific... He left his mattress warranty, a jewelry box from India (very heavy and has sentimental value) and 2 camcorder tapes that possibly have footage for K's custody case. These are things he really can't replace that easily... Should I care or try to mail despite the expense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Stuff is too expensive or heavy to mail? He will miss the stuff but it has been almost a week and he hasn't called even to look for the stuff.
Don't trick yourself into thinking you have stuff to return to him in order to have one last shot at contact.
I don't care what you do with the stuff, burn it, run over it with your car, whatever, he lost the right to that stuff when he chose to crap on you. He can afford to buy more stuff, you can't afford the emotional trauma of returning his stuff, because believe me he will know it is your attempt to just have one more shot at him.
Don't do it, forget about returning it unless you really can ship it to him. He probably doesn't know where he lost the crap anyway, it has been stuck in the furniture for how long now?
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A
female
reader, kdb +, writes (28 November 2009):
kdb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone,
Thank you for all of your encouragement and words of support... Rhythm and blues2 is right, I may never understand what his motives are (because he is completely self centered, and I am just not like that) but regardless I need to move on. It has been almost a week since the new gf incident and I have not heard from him nor have I tried to contact him. I just discovered however, that he left a few of his personal belongings in one of the pieces of furniture that I retrieved from his house last Sunday.
So, my follow up question is this... What do I do with his stuff now?!?! If it were things I thought he wouldn't miss then I would have no problem just pitching them, but I really do believe I should do the right thing and return them. FYI: they will be to heavy/expensive to mail...
Thanks again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I wish I didnt have to write this
My thoughts are only whats best for you.
You need to accept relaity. Things arnt going to workout. He isnt going to be your husband and you arnt going to live happily ever after.
Its time for you to go back to your town, see if you can get your old job back. Cut off all contact with him. The feeling you have wont go away if you are still talking, you will just stay in this limbo. The is a large amount of pain and unhappiness in your future. But theres nothing you can do to stop that now.
Just remember this the sooner you start the healing process the sooner you feel better ok.
best wishes
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Baby, this has to stop today. You are making a complete fool of yourself and the chap doesn't care at all. He is probably getting off on the fact that he has two women fighting over him. He has shown you so much disrespect with regard to introducing his new gf to K and basically treating and using you as he has. You are coming across as a kind of psycho and apart from losing your own self esteem and dignity you are going to make yourself ill. The chap is a complete twat. You have as you say put your life on hold for him and his kid and what do you get in return for this, absolutely nothing.
You have got your stuff out of the house so there is no need for you to contact him any more. If he rings you please tell him that you want nothing more to do with him and put the phone down. No more shouting and screaming, texting, turning up - it has to stop today. This guy is playing a clever game. He is obviously older and wiser and is just using you. His actions do not bear out what he says to you. I know you are really in love with him to the point of it being obsessive but he is really just making a fool out of you and you need to get out of this really unhealthy relationship as soon as you can.
From reading your post twice I can see this situation is driving you crazy and because you are so emotional about it you are not thinking clearly. You need time to distance yourself from this and let you calm down. If you carry on like this you will either get yourself arrested or end up hurting someone or going down the road of trying to top yourself and I don't want any of those things to happen to you.
Intense emotion like this is not good. There is nothing to be gained. There is a world outside of this little scenario and you have to focus on this now. Start concentrating more on your work and your work friends or other friends and do nothing or see no one that is linked to him. He is bad news for you Honey and you must let go. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I am sorry that you are feeling so out of control. It is understandable as your emotions are still raw from your break up and him bringing another woman into it is just pouring salt on your wounds.
I don't think that you can understand his motives or how all of this could have happened. You are wanting to make sense of things so that you can feel better. It really does not work that way. A break down of a relationship and a break up is an emotional thing, logic rarely has anything to do with it and trying to explain an emotional decision with logic is a waste of time.
You already know that your relationship of three years was all about problems, his. Whenever you have a lot of baggage and problems to deal with then your relationship becomes a problem relationship. Is that fair, no of course not, especially to you.
I feel sorry that you chose to put your life on hold and poured your emotional energy into "fixing" this man's life. I understand why you did it, you cared for him, loved him and thought you could help him through this and you two could build a life together.
It is possible that after all is said and done, you two could still have that. But the fact of the matter is that right now is not the time to be trying that or trying to fix anything between the two of you.
You do not need to be this man's friend. You don't owe him that and you certainly don't want to settle for that because you will continue to be this guy's social worker...his emotional crutch for his problems.
I know it is sad and unfair that losing him means you lose your relationship with his son, but remember this, his son is not yours and you will someday (if you can get far far away from this man) have your own child if you so desire.
What would be best for you is to forget this guy completely and tell him that you want to have no contact what so ever with him. Ask him to stop calling you, emailing you, texting you, IM, Facebooking what ever, stop seeing him or speaking to him. In fact if you ever did want to get back together with him this is your only chance of that ever happening. You must give him what he wants, his space, give him the gift of not having you in his life. He will never realize what life is like without you in it as long as you continue to be there waiting, begging, pressuring, or initiating any sort of contact with him.
More than likely this new girlfriend will not last either.
Because she isn't you.
I hope that instead of focusing all of your attention on him and what he is doing and driving yourself nuts with what ifs and whys, that you will turn your focus instead on yourself and find out who you are again. Build your self esteem from the inside and start dreaming big with your life without him in it. Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to set some big goals and go about achieving them. Move away from this city you hate and pursue your own life.
I can almost guarantee that this guy will be coming back looking for you because you have been there for him for so long and he may not realize just how much he does love you.
That said, I hope you take this time to also date some other men and to finally reflect on whether or not this man is the right one for you. He certainly has more baggage than most and he doesn't seem to care about your needs from what I can see. I hope you will be able to come to a conclusion that you can do better and your life is better without him and that eventually you will breathe a sigh of relief and say "what the h e double hockey sticks was I thinking!"
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A
female
reader, Mrs.McMeow +, writes (24 November 2009):
 First of all OMG. Hon. Stop right now. You CAN NOT have this person in your life for starters. I know you still love him but if he can bring this new girlfriend around his child and chose her over you but still string you around with sex gifts etc its just wrong. I know you love him that’s why your acting so out of character that’s why your emotions are going crazy and you just cant understand it. He is not giving you room to heal. This could be because of guilt he feels over the relationship or it could be that he wants you all to himself but he can do whatever he wants. I am seeing the latter of the two and it is sick.
You have given this guy so much of yourself and all he does is take take take. You need to call/txt/write/email or however you communicate with him and tell him how you feel and that his constancy in your life is exacerbating these negative feelings. Tell him he has a choice and he has always had a choice and he has chosen another girl. REFUSE to give him anymore of your time if he replies say nothing back, this is your liberation not a cry for him to pick you. You do NOT NEED him. Right now you need to rebuild you. You have given more then enough to him give to yourself.
I wont kid you. This will be hard. You will cry a lot and you will think some really crazy stuff. Just remember not all guys are like this. At least not the ones worth having. So cry scream break things and buy a lot of Kleenex but know your healing and it wont always hurt like this.
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