A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I listen to my gut, or listen to my heart?When my boyfriend and I were together, I had some worries. We had a difficult time having deep conversations... most of our conversations were about each other's day, that kind of thing. but we really couldn't talk about things in a deeper fashion---we just had very different interests.At one point my boyfriend discussed living together and making my apartment more of our home. I was worried about that---but only because at that time, I was taking care of a majority of the bills, expenses, etc., and my bf was not able to contribute as much as he agreed do. He is a good man and did not do this on purpose, but does not make a lot of money, and had a lot of family members who needed money urgently. I often worried that my bf would be bored by me, because I wasn't into the things he was into. I didn't worry about that myself, because, well, I tried to focus on the fact that we loved each other, and that he really does care for me more than any other boyfriend. I also worried because I am a bit more serious, and I thought he might see me as a nag. Also, he sent a couple of slightly borderline flirty emails to this other woman, and that upset me, so then there was the trust issue.I was worried about us being together because I did not want to be in a relationship where I am doing the majority of the things. I told my bf that if we worked on things, then yes, I would be open to us living together permanently. I feel bad because I think he saw the doubt on my face. I only doubted because the way things were, at that time, and for a majority of the relationship, I was helping him (he is still a nice guy, I don't have anything bad to say about him) get through so many difficulties. We were not really doing things that a couple would do...everything we did was to help him or some kind of chore that needed to be done.Now that we have broken up at his request, I wonder... did I focus on superficial things? Is my desire to want to be together (but only if things change) a good idea, or just reflective of being alone? Was it wrong for me to put my desires behind his because of the sheer amount of problems and difficulties his family was having and his responsibility to them?I feel at times like he is unfairly being upset at me for our disagreements, but not acknowledging why we had disagreements. Other times I feel like maybe I wasn't patient enough.
View related questions:
flirt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry, but the anonymous "female" response sounds like the reader did not really read my question, but is rather discussing all women in general and from a very stereotypical viewpoint. I am nothing like the reader suggests. In fact, most people have said the opposite, and that I should have thought about myself more in the relationship.
I was not concerned with what my ex earned. I simply stated that because he did not earn a lot (which is not his fault), he was often stressed about money and his family responsibilities before the responsibilities of his home. Which I understand on both fronts.
I really appreciate this site and the advice from thoughtful readers. I do sometimes find that some readers may have their own issues with certain topics and will respond in a certain way. It could also be that, from some of the postings and responses and grammer, that some of the questions get confusing when a person is trying to translate them, and may not fully understand the premise of the question.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): We as women have few problems that we need to know. We are adamant, we are emotional ( angry too often because of that on petty issues). We are more materialistic ( money, jewelery, home appliances and so on ) . we are more selfish ( Me and My kids and my BF / Hubby at most ) .
So obviously you behaved normally as any women would do most likely. But the point is that if he was the Good guy, he was a rare material, you should have hold him inspite of him being less earning.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with your comment about the mother aspect. There was a time when he did say that I came across as motherly.
My ex was going through a lot of big family problems, including the illness of a loved one. It was a very trying and difficult time. I only put my needs behind his because of the problems he was going through (one of the most difficult things you could ever face in your life). When we first were together, our relationship was better and a bit more equal. But a series of financial instability and then the family events made things very difficult for him. I can't imagine going through what he went through because it is so extremely difficult and hard.
I agree with what you said---that the differences we had were big, and that maybe just loving each other isn't enough. I think that if he hadn't broken the trust issue, I might be more confident in our relationship. But he broke the trust twice, and even though he considers it only flirting, he flirted with someone that seems to have a personality he likes more, so, it just seems like maybe I am not the best person for him.
I am taking everyone's advice, and I am easing up on contacting him. I am not abandoning him or being cold, but I do need to stop for a moment and look at the reality of our relationship. He wasn't happy with me, so he ended it, and it does appear he is happier where he is now, so I need to be supportive of that.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 These are not superficial issues,they are indicators of very possible trouble oncve the relationship is out of the romantic "hoeymoon " stage.
It's a serious problem,eventually,not being able to connect at a deeper level than "what did you eat for breakfast " or "it seems it's gonna rain "
It's also a problem if one of the partner has financial obligations that prevent him from reasonably contributing to the household expenses. If that happens because one has to support "a lot of family members " that may also bee seen as noble and generous, yet objectively it's a burden to the relationship and also indicates a frame of mind in which the birth family quite likely will always have priority over the family he'll have with the partner.
Trust issues too are not superficial,many relationships end up failing because of trust issues.
But in my opinion the biggest problem was the nature of the relationship, the was basically about you helping/nurturing/encouraging him. Like a mother would do...
What about your needs,your wants,your desires ? What part did they play in your relationship ? Were they aknowledged and met, or it was assumed they were gonna stay indefinitely on the back burner until he puts himself together...?
It's normal that you miss him. But ,seen the problems you had,may be splitting up was really for the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 You could ask this man to change things but even then he can't change who he actually is and you sound like 2 very different prople.
It's always easy to look back when a relationship ends and think 'maybe I was too much of this' or 'maybe I didn't do enough of that' but there's little point going over and over it. Would things really be different if you tried again?
Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. It's sad but true. I think you should listen to your gut instinct. Give it time and you might start to see things more clearly.
...............................
|
