| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I (33F) am looking for advice regarding my boyfriend(31M) of two years.None of my friends like him. In fact, they all basically refuse to spend time with him. The typical reasons for this would have to do with the guy being a cheater, abusive, controlling, etc - and he is none of those things. In fac, all of my friends have openly admitted he treats me Ike gold, almost with a tone of disappointment, as if it would make it easier if he was just a bad boyfriend.He’s just painfully socially awkward and down right weirds people out. This has been an ongoing issue, but the most recent example is that we went to a group party for my social circle, celebrating a long time friend’s birthday.We arrive, things start well, but he got high and then just of wandered off. I didn’t want to follow up around so I let him do his thing. We stayed for a few hours but I kept getting a vibe that he was OFF and so we left early.Apparently, none of my friends wanted to SAY this to me, but he ended up going up to one of my friend’s girlfriend’s MOTHER (who is already out of the age range and probably completely uncomfortable) and without even introducing himself said: “ If you were going to do tomorrow, what would your last meal be? “ and before she could even answer he wandered away.My best friend ended up having to apologize and explain that he’s “just weird” and was probably a bit too drunk to several other people through out the night who were, in general, just weirded out by him.None of my friends actually said anything about this and basically just stopped inviting me anywhere for fear of him coming along. I had to ask because I picked up the hints and I wanted a straight forward answer..These are also all people I’ve been friends with and/or lived with for 5-10 years.He’s done similar in the past but never to that intensity. He’ll just try and fill small talk with intense off the wall questions but always to people who doesn’t know at all, and he has wandered off during these conversations as well. He also did the same thing to another good friend of mine who decided to hang out with him one on one, and she ended up just snapping on him in the end, saying she didn’t want to “answer any of his weird fucking questions for once”. We talked about this in depth. He basically ended up saying that when he was younger, he understood that he was eccentric and an odd ball, and for some time he tried to make friend - and most people ended up not liking him anyways. He felt that the solution, in order to maintain his identity, and not compromise himself, he basically turned up the volume on his weirdness in order to filter out the people who weren’t going to like him anyways. He is not like this when we are alone. He has his eccentricities that I love and are part of the reason why I was attracted to him to begin with, but in any kind of social setting it goes out the window it seems.I am not sure what to do. I feel like its a major red flag when NONE of your friends like your SO (or they think he’s a “great guy” but not their cup of tea, not their “people”). I am also now having anxiety as some family will be visiting in a month and staying at our place and I am not sure how he is going to behave.. He has been willing completely to just let me have my space, keep separate social circles, etc. We’ve talked about this at length and we have amazing communication. Emotionally and one on one, I couldn’t really ask for more. I have had a very long history of men, in family and in relationships , being horrifically abusive and this is probably the first “safe” relationship I’ve ever had. Additionally, in the past, he’s always gotten the above “weirded” out response from almost ALL of his friends who, in the end, love him deeply, but only once they are used to his strange behavior at times.What can I do? Anything? Should I care so much and be so bothered by the fact my friends all dislike him? Should that be making me feel as paranoid as I feel as a result? When I was feeling thrilled about the relationship prior to recent admissions and events?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2018):
 I am gonna get to be the meanie here once again, but, honestly : I would be weirded out too if I were one of your friends. Maybe not weirded out, but I would find his demeanour off putting, so I'd try to give him as wide a berth as possible without being openly cruel , aggressive or confrontational. Which is exactly what your friends are doing.
Your bf may have all his reasons and explanations why he does what he does, but please note that being socially inept or socially awkward is not something that can never change, it is in fact something that can be worked on, modified and at least improved if one wants to. Maybe he does not want because he likes himself just the way he is , and good for him. But your friends are not obliged to like whom he is ,any way he is - so actually they don't .
It would be different in case your bf had known and conclaimed mental health issues, or Asperger's or something. Different to a point, in the sense that you could probably expect from your friends a display of more than average patience and understanding- same as you'd expect , if you had a hearing-impaired boyfriend, that they spoke louder than normal to let him join in the conversation. But even so, you could not exactly demand that . Not everyone is born a social worker and , sorry, not everyone needs to be . You may be worth of praise for your compassionate, open-minded choices ; but at the end of the day, these are your personal choices, they don't have to share them. If you feel that severe social maladjustment is no big deal, this may even be a credit to your character, - but you can't force your personal preferences on other people around you.
Don't be so surprised; yours is an unusual choice. The common denominator, as we also see often on " Dear Cupid " , that makes a person sexually and romantically attractive is " confidence ". Which does not mean strutting into a party with your chest puffed off, showing off your tattooes or leather pants. It often means, more unobtrusively, being the kind of person who knows, whether through natural talent or experience , observation and application, exactly how he / she is supposed to behave in any given social context. There are times and places were you can let it loose and have no filter and unleash your inner weirdo; and other times and places where you just can't because you'd offend / creep out everybody around you. And if you don't know, or try to learn, which is which- well, most people does not like that and will try to avoid you , if possible.
You are obviously allowed to have your own opinions about that ; if his " hey I'm just being myself " ways don't bother you at all, -more power to you. But then, don't be surprised that they bother your friends; why should NOt they bother them ?
I think also that excesses in drinking and drugs contrubute to his " weirdness ". I know that from here on not only the OP but most of the readership won't follow me ad will be probably hissing and booing, because that might be a big cultural divide; insofar the Anglo mentality is much more lenient towards people who makes a spectacle of themselves because of drinks and drugs intake , and thinks it's no big deal. ( As I know personally from having found numerous - generally USA or Australian ,for the stats - tourists who were half asleep, incoherent , vomit-encrusted , slumped on my door step on weekend nights, and having helped them into a taxi; and having found them thankful for my help at times, but never in the least ashamed or embarassed ).But, since I am here, I'll put my two cents in and say that yes, it is a totally big deal when grown ass adults don't know the difference between spring break in Cancun and a normal house party with your friends' parents around. If your Bf had been 18, his wandering off drunk and stoned out of his mind scaring his guests, could even have been seen as " sort of cute ". Boys will be boys. But what is tolerable in high school or college- becomes utterly intolerable in a man aged 30 or over , even in an excess-friendly culture. I guess, from your friends ' reaction, that at least some of them share my ( unpopular ) opinion.
What can you do ? Basically, nothing. If you love this man , warts and all, and he makes you happy- keep him , of course, but be prepared to have your social life limited to a minority of people that 's not bothered by his antics .Your friends are, not irrationally, bothered , and don't think that if they are real friends they'll have to put up with said antics, because , by the same token, they may think ,if not outright say, that if you were a real friend you would not bring anong them someone who is known to make them damn uncomfortable and spoil the mood of every festive occasion.
Luckily, from this point of view you have got everything covered , you both don't have a problem in giving each other space, keeping separate social circles, etc. So , carry on like that, it's not as if you have to choose between your old friends and your boyfriend. Both contribute to your happiness,- just not at the same times and in the same places.
Now, though, I am going to add something that I guess it won't go down well. I hope you'll see that I don't say it to dismiss your choices or to sap your confidence, but, au contraire, to shore it up a bit and help you realize your worth.
You say that " you could not ask for anything more ". Well, heck no. You could ask for something more, because it would be just the basic, bare minimimum : a man with a bit of manners, a bit of social graces and a non - pathologic way to communicate with people. It's not much to ask, IMO; it's the " minimum wage " of dating .
Of course, love is a mistery, largely irrational; and being that there are people who fall on love with serial killers, convicted pedophiles and the likes, a goofy guy who spouts out stupid questions may seem a perfectly valid option.
But, is it love ? or is it gratitude ?
You say you have a past of horribly abusive relationships, I think this may have conditioned you to not expect much at all, and to appreciate … anybody who does not savagely hurt you. This guy does not hurt you, he treats you well, with kindness and affection… the relief for you maybe is so huge that you are willing to close an eye , or both, in front of any fault or flaw. In other words, as long as he is
" safe " - you'll take everything and accept everything.
You don't have any reason to feel like that. Those men abusing you is on them being pieces of shit, not on you not being worthy of having a relationship with a valuable, mature, well adjusted person.
So if you really love this man , regardless of his unpleasant quirks, so be it, and best wishes. But if ,deep down, years of abuse have left you feeling that you don't deserve much, and that you have to take the quirks in exchange for not being abused, because " not being abused " is all you can ask and get from a man… no ,please, no. It's not true. You COULD ask for much more. If you want to ask it or not, that's of course your choice .
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 June 2018):
 OP, this is who he is.
Your friends aren't dating him so they don't REALLY have to accept him "as he is" like you do.
To be honest of some guy I didn't know well (even if he was dating one of my good friends) asked my MOTHER about her last meal, I would probably avoid the fire out of him.
I get eccentric, I get socially inept (I am not the most outgoing to social person) but learning BASIC social skill is key for ANYONE wanting to navigate society. Be it work or just dealing with people in general.
And it IS a learned skill. He CAN become better at this is he works on it and makes an effort. My guess is he is fine with people not finding him as fascinating as you do.
I'm not going to suggest that he has ADHD, Autism or whatever because he has shown YOU that when it's just the two of you things are pretty "normal". So maybe this whole "eccentric persona" is partly who he is and partly a defense mechanism. He doesn't HAVE to invest in YOUR friends if he can push them away first.
He is what my mom would have called "an acquired taste".
You ask what YOU can do... Nothing really. You can't CHANGE him and you can't CHANGE how your friends view him. You can "make" them like him.
What concerns me is this: (you write)
"We arrive, things start well, but he got high and then just of wandered off."
He got HIGH? At a birthday bash for someone he barely knows and then just wanders around creeping people out?
What exactly does he smoke/take?
I guess you will have to see how it goes when family comes to visit and go from there.
I guess because he is the first "SAFE" relationship you feel you should look away from the glaring red flags.
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