A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Niece (17f) wants to live with me (30f) and my husband (33m) when she graduatesMy husband and I are planning on getting a "fresh start" at the end of the year after saving money for a down payment. My niece is graduating high school soon over in Iowa. Instead of taking her summer break, she's taking her last 4 classes and graduates at the end of July.Now, my husband and I are planning on moving in September/October. She was going to move to our state (California) this summer with her older sibling.I warned them this state is extremely expensive in some places, you can't even get a one bedroom apartment for less than $1700 and you need first and last months rent. K is 22 and had their first job ever. E has had a couple of jobs and since they had gotten a car, they've been in charge of taking K to work, taking their step sister to school, and paying for her own phone bill, car insurance, etc. (I don't know if any of the child support their dad gets from my sister for E actually goes to E.)Well, K and E want to come with us. So, we've been pricing 4 bedroom houses. The deal is that we'd make a rental contract with their rent being equal and each of them contributing to utilities. We'd still pay the majority, and of course they would not have to pay anything towards homeowners insurance.This of course was just an option and they are free to choose to move with us or move here to be closer to their mom. I am staying as neutral as possible. (I can't stand my sister and our relationship's always been one where we don't get along, she's openly said when she was 15 she wished I was her brother not her sister and Mom fucked up giving birth to me.)Well, I guess their dad wants to talk to me when I get home from work about transferring custody to me until she's 18. Not gonna lie I'm slightly terrified. I don't know how to approach this. E is ecstatic.What should I write down as both pros and cons to this situation so I can give E, K, and their dad a fair picture of expectations if this did happen?My husband and I are child free so I think that's partially why they are so keen on this.TL;DR: 17 year old niece and my 22 year old nephew want to move in with my husband and I when we move. Husband and I are child free. Dad wants to talk to me tomorrow night to discuss transferring custody. I've been the "fun" aunt since I was 9 and I'm slightly terrified. What should I bring up for both sides of the conversation both for and against?
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (11 April 2022):
If the plan is that E is going to get a job to support herself why do you need to transfer custody? The family can go down the route of emancipation of a minor instead. That way you won't be legally responsible for her.
Why can't K become E's legal guardian?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 April 2022):
 The biggest question is this, DO you really WANT to do this? Does your hubby?
What is the niece going to be doing for work? Does she have any real qualifications? (my guess is no)
And why are you now have to take on the parental role?
Seems more like 1. the kids want to get away from the parents or 2. the parents want to live "kid-free" and "guilt-free" by having YOU take over the parental role.
If this was me, I would
1. not agree to take over custody. (because that would ALSO mean you are financially responsible for the "kid")
2. If the kids move out there, the parents could be responsible for the youngest one's part of the rent until she has a steady job.
3. I would ask for a YEAR of you and your husband to make your "Fresh start" ALONE. That way the two of YOU will know if you can make it financially. And maybe after, a year you two decide to move elsewhere or not WANT to have a niece and nephew living with you.
4. you and your hubby are KID FREE for a reason. "Not gonna lie I'm slightly terrified". LISTEN to your gut.
There is such a HUGE difference between being the "fun aunt" to being a parent/parental figure.
Overall, it kind of sounds like a pipe dream that isn't very well thought out.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 April 2022):
 I think you will be in for a big shock if you go ahead with this. Being the "fun aunt" is one thing; having sole responsibility for a 17 year old girl is something quite different. What are you going to do if she starts going out with friends, drinking herself stupid? Staying out all night? Gets herself pregnant?
Be careful that you are not using this as some way of getting back at your sister, trying to prove you can be a better guardian than she was.
My partner and I had a similar situation where a friend's daughter wanted to come and stay with us while she attended college in our town. We simply said that, while she was a lovely girl, we did not feel we could take on the responsibility for her welfare. Her mother understood.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2022): To save spending ages writing a reply I will just say this, it sounds too complicated and problematic to work for you.
I can see how it would work for them but not you.
End of answer.
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