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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi DC aunts and uncles!I need some advice.I am completely mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from taking care of my husband.We have had long covid that doctors can't treat for over 18 months. His symptoms are worse than mine because he is sometimes in more pain. He never takes sick days (it's frowned up in his firm). I never take sick days because I am paid by the hour. The problem is that our relationship has never been based on equality. I have always taken care of my husband and I have always had at least one job. So now when he really needs help, I just can't stand it anymore and I hate myself for it.This illness has changed him. Now he began to see how much I actually do for him. Before, he had taken it for granted - food is cooked, house cleaned, groceries bought, bills paid... but he still does very little to nothing. Truth be told, I don't have a husband, I have a sick child. He asks me to go with him when he has a doctor's appointment. And I don't mind. What bothers me is that he expects me to talk to the doctor! Take the whole responsibility.As I said, I am ill to. We both have the same symptoms, but some of mine are worse than his and vice versa. I can't take it anymore when he wakes me up in the middle of the night because he is in pain. When I am in pain, I get up take meds, make myself some herbal tea... What he needs (and honestly I can't give it to him anymore) is for me to listen to him for hours on end, how life isn't fair, how he can't take it anymore... I tried talking him into seeing a therapist, but he just won't. First of all, over the years, he had some pretty bad experiences with therapists. Here where we live a seance can last for 15' and they charge you 150 USD! Try and file a complaint and you'll enter a labyrinth of bureaucracy. I am at my wits end. We have zero help from doctors because they really have no idea what to do with us (we are not alone! there are so many people with serious post covid issues). We have measurable problems so they see that it's not in our head, but they can't help us. They give us things to treat the symptoms and most of the time even that doesn't work. I don't know what I am asking here....Thanx. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): It's likely that you may need to change doctors. People often go to the same old rubber-stamping medical-professionals; or their aging GP's, who aren't keeping-up with the latest in medicine. If you don't have socialized medicine in your country; some doctors are merely bureaucrats with stethoscopes. They work for the insurance companies, not us. Others just live lavish lifestyles, and rarely treat their own patients. Many have physician-assistants, or nurse practitioners, seeing their patients. Like you're nothing but their personal ATMs! You don't see the doctor, but you surely get bills from his or her office!
I know many people are limited to doctors in your insurance networks; but there may be times you have no choice, but to find a qualified medical-specialist (or a medical group) who surpass the usual standards, and reflect higher-ratings from their patients. They may not be able to cure you; but they may offer homeopathic-treatments that are quite effective. You don't always need prescription drugs. If you do, you need medications that treat your specific symptoms. Not just any old useless prescription (likely a placebo); to get you out of the office, to move on to the next patient! Often, doctors see pain as subjective, or nonspecific; and have no clue what to do. They can't say that, that's why you must seek another opinion.
You get used to the same doctor's office, doctor, and staff; but there comes a time you may have to part ways, and start a new relationship with another medical practice. You save time speaking to your co-workers, neighbors, friends, or family members about who they see. I've found a new GP in his early 40's. Excellent ratings from patients, and possessing outstanding credentials. I haven't had covid, but I will never say never. Meanwhile, I will thank God Almighty. I also pray for God's healing. That's not everybody's thing; but it sure would help if it was!
I am so sorry to hear your problem with your husband. Pray for strength, my dear. I can only imagine how miserable and exhausted you must be; especially, being dogged with lingering after-effects of the covid virus. I will put in a prayer for you and your husband.
You have to make sure you have his full attention, and tell your husband how tired you are; and how much you need him to be more self-sufficient. Ask for help, and insist on it.
Nine times out of ten, the original poster has never actually faced-up to their spouses or significant others; they dance around with them, and let them dismiss their concerns.
Many come to DC hoping we can offer some suggestions on how to resolve domestic or relationship-issues without actually communicating with their stubborn or obstinate mates. Sorry, but effective communication is the key. You have to use your words. You can't use the excuse you tried, but they won't listen. Then why did you marry somebody like that?
You can't just swallow your pain, suck it up, and just submit when people are stubborn, inconsiderate, or just ignore you. Worse than that, wait for them to read your mind, or come to their senses on their own. Seriously?!! That's their objective, to make you feel you're helpless; and you're to believe they can't be moved or convinced. They're not to blame if you're sappy and whiney and won't stand-up for yourself. Why would you stay married to someone who doesn't care how you feel, dismisses everything you say, or never ever compromises on anything? That's not a marriage. What were you thinking when you excepted his proposal???
Many women don't make the distinction in their marriage between being a man's wife and being his second-mother. If you've made him your man-baby all these years; I guess the time has come to wean the big baby. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't help someone when they are feverish and in severe pain; that would be cruel and calloused, but you can say "get-up and do it yourself" once in awhile! If he can't, take him to the emergency room! He knows you're just as incapacitated or sick. You're the one who has spoiled him!!!
Surely, you have many duties as the #1 caretaker in the family, and many women enjoy the role. Many men are also the nurturing-type, and jump at his wife's or kid's beck and call. There is such thing as too much of a good thing; and you have to revive their senses of compassion and empathy for YOU!!! Never minimize your own needs, health, and well-being as insignificant in comparison to any other member of your family. Who will take care of them if you're disabled or dead???
You've overdone it with being superwoman, and pretending you can multitask around the clock; then crush yourself with guilt, when you're too tired to jump when everybody says "jump!" My mom had it one summer with all of us brats and my dad. She packed a suitcase, got in her car, and drove to gramma's and grandpa's; and stayed there for two entire weeks!!! We always had our household chores; and we had to do them unsupervised, while dad was at work. She called to check on things; and threatened to lengthen her vacation if she came home and found a mess. Madam, she never had to do that ever again! You don't know how scared we were! The sad thing is, mom died of a brain tumor at only 42. We didn't see that coming. The youngest was only 2 years old! He and my younger siblings had to be raised by a nanny. You'll never know, you can't take your wife or mother for granted. My dad never remarried. Everyone can't afford a maid or a nanny. Grandparents, aunts or uncles, may not want to raise kids again.
You can't fulfill the role of caretaker 24/7, and you can't be the super-mom and super-wifey to lazy man-babies and spoiled bratty kids. If you have kids, he's not one of them. He has no problem establishing his dominate role when you have disagreements over things; or flexing his muscle when he wants to do something you absolutely do not condone, or adamantly will not support! Remind him how forceful he can be in disagreements, maybe he can summon some of that fortitude and energy, and give you a break! Never discuss important issues in a whiny tearful sniveling pleading way, but in an assertive manner. Make him take you seriously...or else!!!
You've conditioned yourself to drown yourself in guilt, if you don't push yourself beyond your human limitations. That is worsening your health, and it is a psychological-strain on your psyche; because you were probably raised to believe a wife and mother doesn't take time off, they are on-call 24/7-365. You have to put your foot down! You have to say "no, I'm too tired; I need you to help me out here!" You are pushed to the limit; and that will also push you to resentment, even hatred towards your husband. You'd rather kill yourself in subservience, than to just say "I'm exhausted, I can't this time?" So our advice will go to waste; if you're told to stand-up for yourself, and you can't summon the nerve. We can't help you, if you have a bully of a husband; who doesn't give a damn about you or how you feel. You've conditioned him to believe he's the king of the castle, but you're not the queen. You're the chambermaid, cook, and laundress. It's not always the husband's fault, if you never INSIST on any help. You just let him dismiss you when you ask for it. Let him wear dirty clothes and cook for himself. Oh, you can't bear to do that? Then I guess you'll have to be his other-mother for the rest of your life.
You aren't being any less sweet or loving to tap-out; when there is too much strain on you. If he doesn't help, then just stop! Rest yourself. Trust me, he also has a sense of survival; and he will not allow himself to die, because he won't climb out of bed for a cup of tea or to get an aspirin.
If he doesn't do anything, then you'll have to let things go; until you feel up to doing it. If he wants to eat, let him cook for himself; or call his real momma. Men who do nothing in the house married you to be his housemaid; and if you're a sucker, you'll fall for it. If he can't wash a dish, or load a dishwasher, it ain't your fault. If he wants clean clothes, introduce his grown-@$$ to your washer and dryer. Stack your dirties on one side, and his filthy clothing on the other. Do yours, and leave his.
If you're afraid of him, if he's a bully, if he'll beat you; then you should leave him. If you've allowed him to dismiss everything you've say ever since you've been married, there is not one person here who can help you. We can only offer suggestions. Otherwise, things will not change until you decide to put your foot down. If you need to go stay with your parents, with a sibling, or in a hotel for a week or two, who's stopping you?
People who selfishly rely on you, don't appreciate you; until you're no longer at their access and disposal. You created that monster, when you allowed him to ignore you when you have a legitimate complaint, by trying to be the perfect multitasking-superwoman. You never made yourself his partner; but instead, his servant. You can still turn-it around. You may not believe in yourself; believing because he has a penis and balls he can just do whatever he pleases. Just stop. Do nothing. You will be surprised! He has to realize you are human too. Love is not love when people walk all over you.
I can't wait to see what other women have to say in response to your post!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2022): Let's be totally honest. You complain that he is like a child who relies on you too much yet you still let him rely on you. You could stop doing all of the housework and chores. You could refuse to go to the doctor with him, or you could go wit him but insist on sitting in the waiting room and not speaking to them. Here in the UK partners are not even allowed to go with the patient to the hospital. Some people with your health problem are too ill to work. You are "lucky" insomuch you are both able to still work, so let us forget about the health problem bit as you are both able to cope with it without taking time off of work and that is the rest test of being ill. Of course if he relies on you for everything he won't want to acknowledge how much that is or change it. But if you force him to change it by leaving him to do his own washing he has no choice.
If you are bright enough to hold down a good job and do all this you should be able to see these simple solutions too.
But long term is different. It seems to me that you are sick of him whatever so might need to consider separating or ending the marriage. All this stuff about sit down and chat to him is over rated, people get this convenient idea that if you tell him how you feel his opinion and actions change, they rarely do. It can waste a lot of time and raise hopes for nothing. Obviously he could also be tempted to make all sorts of promises just to keep things as they are for longer. With no intention of changing or not got the balls and maturity to change. Lots of guys have a woman who is more like a mother than a partner, very often the woman puts up with it because he pays all the bills or she gets some other compensation for it. What compensation do you get to explain why you are still with him and did not end it years ago?
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