A
male
age
51-59,
*eerhunter
writes:New relationship-about 5 weeks. We are both in our 40s.Recently, she went out with an ex-BF who she briefly dated, but didn't work out, but continued sleeping with, most recently a few weeks before she and I met. She told me after the fact that she did this. Turns out that she has had this kind of "casual" arrangement with 2 or 3 other guys in her recent past, each of whom she continued to sleep with. I believe her when she says she has not hooked up with any of them since we met, and we have established we are dating exclusively.My problem is that it feels disrespectful to me that she still has these guys (who are just "friends")hovering around. She says that it is against her values to dump her friends, but that she should be able to be friends with whom she chooses, and in fact, further thinks it would be nice if I met these guys and I'd probably think they were cool and we'd all be cool. In fact, she has a picture of her and the guy on her fridge at a party, and does not think it is a big deal.But, I still feel the way I do. My opinion is that, by hanging out with these guys, she is signaling to them and to me that she doesn't care or respect my feelings at all and that she is keeping them open as an option. I don't really want to meet these guys, but I'm fairly sure that they are looking at her with eyes that freshly remember having sex with her mere weeks ago, and it feels shitty to me knowing they have very recent knowledge of each other and that the line between a casual meal and casual sex is barely there, and the only reason it exists is because she is dating me, and the minute we have problems, knowing guys as I do, they will gladly step in...Am I justified in the way I feel? And should I stick up for myself? We actually did talk about it, and it seems her biggest regret is that she didn't tell me first. I say that is a technicality, and the problem is the fact that these guys are around at all. I told her that it makes me uncomfortable knowing she is still hanging out with guys with whom she has had very recent, fresh-in-everybody's-mind sexual relationships with, and that I feel it's disrespectful to me. But she says she has a right to be friends with who she wants and would not cheat on me.What do I do? I'm trying to gain more perspective here, and I like this woman and am happy to be dating her. But I feel like she is having her cake and eat it too. Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): If a guy was just a sex partner then she shouldn't feel much need to stay in steady regular contact with him. She has you for sex now.
If a guy was a sex partner but he is also an ongoing friend, then that reflects a more significant attachment for her. That is serious enough that you have the right to be concerned about it.
Your concerns are justified either way.
A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (21 October 2013):
deerhunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we spoke about it. My impression was that she was surprised that I felt this way and that she was being asked to compromise her values. (Ie-"dump" friends). I said I wasn't asking her to dump her friends, but that recent lovers are not simply friends. She was able to hear that and agreed to a "cooling off" period with these guys. I don't know...I think we'll have to agree to disagree. I'm afraid she may just be running out the clock. And who knows about text email and telephone? I have my guard up now, not where I wanted to be but not willing to cut her loose yet.i think she is genuinely trying to compromise and understand.
Thanks you guys for your responses.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (19 October 2013):
deerhunter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Your responses are so helpful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): This is one of the problems created by modern sexual freedom. Past lovers have traditionally been subject to certain different rules than platonic friends, for good reasons. But these days a sex partner does not have to be a relationship partner. The other complication that makes all this happen is a difference in how men and women view sex and relationships. Women seem to view "the important part" as calling it a relationship and "its just sex" and not very important if a relationship was never declared. Men place greater weight on their partner's past lovers than women do in general, its just evolution. So a lot of times women think their future boyfriends should let them treat their past sex partners like "just friends" and cannot understand what the big deal is. The boyfriend may not agree. It could be compared to a boyfriend saying his ex-GF is "just a friend" because they didn't happen to have intercourse even though they had a serious emotional relationship. I think women would understand the problem better if that was the situation.Sex partners are not "just friends" as soon as the sex stops, any more than ex-boyfriends are "just friends" as soon as the relationship is officially supposed to be over. Its true that either type of ex partner can revert back to just friends with time and effort. But its not right to act like it normally works that way, easy as pie, as soon as you decide to make it so. Sleeping with someone has certain consequences, like it or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I agree with mr. toyboy. A 5-week relationship is very very new. It is in its infancy. If you both have established exclusivity, that means she shouldn't be out having dinner with guys she has sexual history with. A relationship should start with a clean slate, and if her friends had been platonic and had never had a sexual history, I'd feel different. However, She was sexual with them, and it is inappropriate to be going out to dinner with them...that's called a "Date".
I think you need to talk to her. Be kind about it because your relationship is new. Tell her that you have a hard time with guys who have had recent sex with her continuing a relationship of any sort, going out to dinners and maintaining contact. Yes, it's her choice, but it's also YOURS if you want to accept it, or find a girl who is a one man kind of girl.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (18 October 2013):
I was in the same boat, told me girl to chose as i was ready to walk and not look back. She chose me and we happier for it.
i dont put up with such crap as i dont even talk to my exes on the phone when i have a gf.
Goodluck to u.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I agree with Aunty BimBim 100%
I get how you feel and why you feel that way
I do not think you do have the right to TELL her who she can and cannot be friends with. However you do have the right to let her know how it makes you feel.
Later on in the relationship she may make the choice to distant herself from her male FWB friends... but you can't mandate it or ask her to not be friends with them. It has to be her choice.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 You know, I can understand your point of view, and I can see her's also when she says she can be friends with who she wants.
From where I am sitting its only been five weeks since your relationship began, everything is bright and new and shiny ... of course you don't want reminders that you are not the first to be having, and enjoying, sex with this particular woman.
My personal opinion is this, taking away the fact they shared sex, if these men are genuine friends of your very new girlfriend, I would be very reluctant to be asking her to dump them, remove them from her life because the very thought of them being in her life makes you feel disrespected because, I don't think it is disrespect, I think it is just uncomfortable for you to be reminded you weren't there first.
Get over it. If you believe she is not cheating then accept her friends for what she says they are, friends.
I expect that if your relationship grows and develops after a lot longer than a mere 5 weeks you will find her contact with these friends will slowly drop off and as your fill her life they will cease to be as important to her as they are now. But that will take time .... years rather than 5 short weeks.
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