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My wife's sexual past....it's not the 'normal' jealous story!

Tagged as: Forbidden love, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2008) 10 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2009)
A male Australia age 41-50, *eebus writes:

Have been married 7 years....happily. Wife mentioned in conversation 3 months ago about a threesome she had once. ( 20 years ago). I explained I don't want to know thing like that as it would do my head in.

She mentioned it again. I went into great depth how it hurt. ( great length )

I explained how it somehow bought 'it' into our marriage.... like it happend last week.

THEN.....

Then she mentioned it a 3rd time last week.

We had a BIG fight. I have never been so mad. I can't believe she mentioned it 3 times. There is no way she did not understand my feelings on it.

I drift between the feeling that I'm being stupid and jealous / hurt over an event 20 years ago.... and the feeling I could, at the drop of a hat sometimes, go and get it on with two escorts for an hour to get 'even'.... or some crazy feeling like that.

I explained every time how bring up past sex things, in that detail, somehow brings it into the current relationship in my mind. ( 3 times!!!)

My head is exploding.

I never thought this way before she continued to mention it.

She does not want another threesome..... I asked as I thought she may be hinting at it.

I resent her BIG TIME.

View related questions: escort, jealous, sexual past, threesome

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A male reader, fellini1973 United States +, writes (28 September 2009):

Hmmm...Sunds like she may have an alterior motive. Its NOT always easy hearing about your wife being manhandled & violated by other men or what she may have done years before you. Your wife may possibly be reminising about her past sexual endeveours. There is however a silver lining to your black cloud. At least she is telling you the truth concerning this matter. She could have kept it from you but she didnt. So at least you know...But the problem is...that you DONT & DIDNT want to know. Hey, what the hell??!!.... It happened. You cant change the past. By the sounds of it...you love her & she loves you. That in itself makes for a perfect marriage & sex life. I do however feel that she may be looking for you to spice it up a little sexually speaking. It may be a cry for some diversity. Ill give you an example.... The ther night I asked my wife for a little change in bed & she was nice enough to switch it up a bit. And boy did she! So that left me thinking that maybe I should have taken the initiative to tell her that a long while ago. So in my opinion....tell your wife how much you love her & how she makes you feel sexually. Let the past go, YOU CANT CHANGE IT! This might just turn out to your benefit. I cant although make you forget about your wife's sexual past. Only you can move forward from this thought that remains in your mind! Hey...so she had a little wild streak...right? Hopefully it will continue... but it will be YOU benefitting from it all! Good luck! Let me know how it works out! She seems like a pretty passionate gal! Take advantage of it! Let me know if I can be of any further help! Thst why Im here! PEACE!

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A male reader, JTalbott United States +, writes (30 May 2008):

JTalbott agony auntMaybe your controlling behavior the problem, not actions from two decades ago???

There are too many here issues for an agony aunt to address. Please take the time to talk to a therapist before they become too big to resolve.

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A male reader, wildman United States +, writes (31 March 2008):

wildman agony auntSounds like a threesome brings back exciting memories. Even though she will not admit it, it sounds like a fantasy to her. Maybe you should talk about the details with her and help her move on. good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

Either she REALLY needs to talk about this event in her past with you just for her own emotional reasons, or else she's testing the waters to see how you react to the idea of doing a threesome now.

I'm guessing it's the latter.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (31 March 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI believe in leaving the past in the past. In cases such as this, it usually means that the man finds a way to accept things he may find disturbing, but which happened before he was involved with his woman, and he never brings them into the conversation or "gets even". In this case, leaving the past in the past means that the woman shouldn't have mentioned the threesome again. She was correctly informed that it hurt leebus. And leebus presented a way to cope with it.

I think she should have known better.

Yos is a great aunt and I very often fully agree with him. Which is a way to say that he says what I wish I could articulate. But I think this time he got it wrong. This threesome, which happened twenty years ago, didn't just pop into her mind, and she didn't mention it three times just because she wasn't aware how it hurt. She knows what she is doing, and why. I'm not saying she has an evil motivation; but she is being hurtful on purpose.

I fully agree with all the other options that Yos presents. I think, however, that this time we should go further. We should offer a course of action.

If she knows it hurts, and is using it to hurt you, well, to hell with her.

If she wants a threesome, this is a hell of an awful way to get one.

If she feels remorse for the threesome, her mentioning three times means that she cares a lot more about her own feelings than about yours. This option would mean that she is in pain, and she needs to get it off her chest, so she doesn't care what damage she does.

Women are excellent at measuring men up. I would have expected her to be way more careful than this.

Leebus, don't get yourself an escort. That is not the solution to your problem. I think you should sit down with her, tell her that she hurt you, ask her why she is doing her best to bring trouble into a good marriage, and warn her -and I'm choosing my word carefully- that you won't put up with that again. And mean it.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (31 March 2008):

Yos agony auntAs long as it's clear now that she shouldn't bring it up again, then hopefully things will be ok. It seems it should be clear after your discussions / arguments / fights?

As for why she mentioned it there could be several reasons:

- She has been reminded of it recently, or it just popped up, and its been on her mind. Her telling you several times was just being absent-minded not remembering you didn't want to hear. Remember, for her it may not be a big deal, so she may have a hard time realizing it its for you.

- She knows it hurts you and may have been using it to get back at you about something.

- She wants one, and was testing the water. Since you made it clear you didn't, she's not admitting to that now.

- She's feeling ashamed / regretful of it and was maybe trying to get it out in the open so she could get some of her negative feelings about it off her chest.

Any of these are possible, I would tell you to assume its the first one unless clearly shown otherwise.

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A male reader, leebus Australia +, writes (31 March 2008):

leebus is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all so far....

We have been going through an on-going argument about her low libido at the same time.

When 'it' happens. It is all good. Goes for an hour or so. Both happy. Fairly exciting / non boring stuff.

She had been trying to increase the frequency of sex.

Still begs the question...."Why mention a past event 3 times that I said not to talk about in no uncertain terms"??????

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

I really understand where you are coming from on this - I'm a similar age to you. My boyfriend told me early on in our relationship (which is now 3 years old) that he had a threesome (although it was oral and stuff - not full blown sex) with his best mate (male) and a girl they got drunk with. He even went into detail about what she had said during it and what stage they got to etc. Apparently his mate had told him if he ever got really serious with a girl he should tell her about this 'incident'. Sometimes I wish he hadn't because it has clouded my judgement of him and I too am finding it still hard to get the idea out of my head. The really bad deal is that he was with his then long term girlfriend at the time, they'd had a bust up, and he told me he didn't classify that as cheating!! ( I mean - what??!!) This made things a whole lot worse. I agree with the other post that it is not necessarily the facts of it (although difficult to take) it is the circumstances and way you are told. Its as if there is no regret or consideration about it (maybe there wasnt). I am paranoid now that every time my boyfriend stays over at a mates and me and him may have had a cross word that he might decided 'not to cheat' again. It is so hard not to judge. My only advice is to say to her that if she finds so much pleasure in torturing you about the detail maybe she would like to find someone else to re-live it with? Can she kindly shut up and apologise for hurting you? Failing that maybe you could open up some conversation about the amazing sex you have with a previous girlfriend... just see how comfortable she is with the detail. Don't think there is an easy answer here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

You have to talk to her some more and ask her why she feels the need to bring it up three times recently. Is there something that she is not mentioning here and this is the testing ground? Is there something that she wants to do in the future or wants to get off her chest. Why now? I dont understand this and if you have been together so long, then you will understand her better than us. Try and find out just what is making her be like this. Personally i wouldnt be too chuffed if my bloke decided to tell me things now and we have only been together 3 years and married for nearly 1.

take care

xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

Well, I won't blame you for feeling like this!

I have a boyfriend who used to resent me big time over my past, even though it wasn't really a big deal such as your wife's. So I don't accept jealousy over things that have happened so much time ago. Luckily, he's now coping much better. He says he realized that we have to enjoy life, that he has to enjoy me and the relationship, because who knows what could happen tomorrow. He says life's too short to be fighting and worrying over the past. However, he realized all this not too long ago, it took him a long while to get to this conclusion.

However, the problem here is NOT your jealousy per se. It's more about how your wife hasn't been considerate about your feelings on the subject. I honestly don't know why would she feel the need to bring it up 3 times if she knows it hurts you. Maybe she doesn't know how much it hurts you, and just likes making you jealous, however, that isn't acceptable either.

I say you have the right to be mad. I'm not sure about the escorts, revenge more often than not only makes things worse. However it's totally understandable to feel like wanting to get even.

I'm sorry I can't offer any more help, but really, all you can do for now is talk to your wife about this, seriously. Try not to get really angry, but just very serious and tell her how she is disrespecting you and hurting you and that is not a loving attitude she's having towards you and your marriage.

If that doesn't work, tell her if she keeps up with that, you'll leave her to go and have a threesome of your own. LOL. I'm kidding about that.

I hope you can work this out. Seriously I don't think this is as much about the jealousy as it is about you being very understandbly hurt over your wife being this disrespectful and unconsiderate.

Best wishes!

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