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My wife only wants to goes out with her male gay friends and always comes home falling down drunk.

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2009)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm 27, my wife is 26 and she's been going out partying all the time with her friends. Most of the time it's her gay male friends, very seldom she goes out with her girlfriends. She won't ever go out with anyone other than these gay male friends.

Her girlfriends haven't really caught on to this, she's always got some excuse why she's not on a night out with them, claiming to be working late etc. etc.

She's always going to gay bars with the male friends, and very rarely anywhere else. It's very odd this behaviour and I just can't understand why she does this.

I'm not against her having a good time or jealous of her being with other men, it's how she ends up afterwards that I'm concerned about.

She always ends up with either a bruised leg, a sore stomach, a grazed knee, or struggles to stand up, let alone walk and has to be helped by one of her friends, or comes in so drunk her speech is slurred.

She does this every Friday and Saturday night and only rarely spends a night in with me.

She's an ice-maiden towards other guys, doesn't even try and be nice to them - not the same as flirting, and this has got me questioning my love for her.

We've only been married for 3 months now and I know marriage is hard work and not romantic as portrayed, and I want to work at it, but how am I supposed to when my wife isn't doing her share of the marriage?

I do drink, but only as a social drinker, not for the sake of it.

When she was sober, I tried discussing this with her, but to no avail, she just wouldn't discuss it.

On the occasions we go down to my or her family's house for a meal and a get-together, she's always sober, warm, friendly and loving, and during the daytime on weekdays she's great to be with, but it's at weekends she starts going out with these guys who are her friends (who are gay, not that I am homophobic, I have no issues with gay people, it's just her behaviour).

Surely if she goes out, she should go out with me a bit more, not just her friends? It makes me feel neglected and small.

It's not like I haven't met them, I've only met two of them twice and they seem like nice people, but how can I be sure?

I don't want to be jealous and I'm never normally jealous anyway, but why is she like this?

Please help me deal with the situation, I just can't cope with this.


*NOTE: John is a pseudonym, since I did not want to give my real name out on here for safety/security reasons.

View related questions: drunk, flirt, jealous

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009):

'She always ends up with either a bruised leg, a sore stomach, a grazed knee, or struggles to stand up, let alone walk and has to be helped by one of her friends, or comes in so drunk her speech is slurred.'

Right, I think we may have pinpointed the problem, and it isn't her gay male friends. Unless they're actually inflicting these injuries on her, it seems obvious that she's sustaining them by becoming so incapably drunk that she falls over. Every time she goes out.

Not good.

Her relationship with alcohol needs to be addressed, as does her relationship with you. She's probably not an alcoholic, if she's happy and sober midweek and on family occasions. But no-one should be getting into that state every time they drink. Some people just can't drink normally, end of story.

Has she ever invited you on these nights out? If not, why not? There are girls in relationships who love to let off steam by going out on the rampage with gay guys - whether because they're able to flirt outrageously without actually cheating, or they enjoy vicariously observing their gay pet's adventures, or a bit of both. Maybe say you'd like to go with her next time.

Married only 3 months, you two should be going out/staying in TOGETHER a lot more than it seems you are.

Good luck

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (29 July 2009):

QuirkLady agony auntYou and your wife need to sit down and have a talk. She's married now, she really doesn't need to be in the clubs getting drunk every weekend with her friends. You are her husband now and as such you should cleave to each other. I'm not saying she has to stop going out with her friends totally of course, but there has to be some sort of compromise. Try to talk to her again about it. See if you can go along with her. If her drinking is very serious you might want to consider visiting Al-Anon and learning ways to handle the issue.

Good luck.

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2009):

boo22 agony auntHi there. Firstly may i say there is nothing odd about having gay friends, or going out with gay men. Lots of women do it because they're great fun . Why don't you take her out somewhere with you one night instead, nothing to do with family. If shes a binge drinker theres not alot you can do apart from lock her in the house. She'll probably stop doing it on her own when shes had enough and gets bored. Perphaps you don't provide a good enough alternative.

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