A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife told me she only ever had one boyfriend before me and she only ever slept with him twice. After 23 years together i discover that she was in fact in a sexual relationship with him for 2 years and then with another guy for 6 months. Having only just found out it feels like it has only just happened. I cant get the images out of my head to the point i feel i need to leave her.
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female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (25 October 2009):
 Have no issue with the prior responses...typo.
A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (25 October 2009):
At no time did I ever say the pain was the OP's fault or that he brought it on himself. In fact I empathized with him. The fact is he DOES have a choice in how to think, feel and respond. Not that thoughts or feelings are turned on and off by a light switch, but we do control which ones to nurture, which points of view to explore and what kinds of people to turn to for support, etc...
Ironic that I have the power to 'choose not to understand' yet, by your implication, our OP is powerless over his thoughts. How exactly does that work? If I have been through the same thing myself, and have managed to overcome it, how can you deduce that I don't understand it? I'd say I have a pretty good grasp of the situation.
You point out that women in particular are less inclined to be understanding. Are you implying that women have not endured this same pain? Or that it is somehow far worse for a man and therefore they are in need of special support, understanding and extra patience?
And of all the replies ranging from 'it was long ago' to 'whoopdedoo' why is it you have chosen to target mine? Are those reponses more sympathetic (I personally have issue with the prior posts, just making a point here)?
People here may disagree with my views from time to time, but I do stand by them and I'm happy to clear the air with anyone who takes issue with them. I do not hide by posting replies as 'anonymous' (asking the question anonymously is to be expected given the sensitive nature of some of the issues).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Read quiet echo's response. Not because it helps. But rather to understand why a lot of people (including lots of women) simply won't ever understand what you're going through. You gotta take this in stride and not take it personally when they blame you for the pain that you're trying so badly to get rid of.SHe said, "you have a choice, either get past it or torment yourself"And that's the key to the lack of understanding. To them, you are CHOOSING to feel this way. They actually think you are doing this because you like it. They actually think you are motivated by self-rightousness at them and not by pure daily pain yourself."Your wife has done nothing wrong in concealing her past" See what I mean? ABSOLUTELY NOT THE SLIGHTEST SCRAP OF UNDERSTANDING HERE. The point is not whether your wife had any right to her past. It's her past and she has every right to it. And she even had every right not to tell you details of it. But she had no right to LIE TO YOU! What QuietEcho (chooses not to understand) is that you had no way of avoiding this situation. You should have had the right to marry who you want, and that includes marrying someone whose past does not CAUSE YOU DAILY EMOTIONAL PAIN. But that right was taken from you. Your wife robbed you of the chance to choose for yourself whether or not her past bothered you too much to accept.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Why do you feel you need to leave her?
She's been with YOU for the last 23 years. Doesn't that say something?
Okay, she lied, but surely you have left out details about your sexual relationships with girls before her?
The fact you've been together for that long should make these details irrelevant.
She's spent more than 2 decades with you. Who cares about these guys.
Ask her why she didn't tell you the truth. Maybe she regretted it, maybe she felt ashamed, maybe she wanted you to think that she wasn't that experienced.
I cant see why it matters. Why throw 23 years down the drain?
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A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 What? Women lie about their past? I'm shocked! I'm pretty sure you found the only one who is deceptive about such things, cuz all the other women of the world are just bursting with truthy thruthiness.
I say you should dump her and get back in the dating pool with me. Then you can deal with 25 year old girls who lie their numbers down to “only 15 partners” to show that they’re “good girls”. Then you can get hitched to one of these traditional-feminist hybrids (I do what bad boys do, but I demand to be treated like a lady) with an undue sense of entitlement and a body that’s hosted more pricks than a second hand dart board.
Sound like fun? I didn’t think so. Go kiss your lovely wife.
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A
male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 Sorry, I have to comment on this from quiet echo:
"Daresay you'll get some responses from men claiming it's so much harder for men to accept a woman's sexual past than it is for us women because of some genetic hardwiring, but it's pure nonsense."
Sadly it's not nonsense. There are some basic male-specific triggers relating to our biology that do make this difficult. That's not to say that women also don't sometimes have issues with their partners pasts: of course they do. But the triggers, reactions, feelings and emotions for each sex are distinctly different in this area. Which unfortunately makes it difficult to deal with in a relationship: because true empathy is very hard.
For this reason you'll probably find it easier and more helpful to talk to men about it. If you have any close male friends I suggest sharing this with them and asking for support.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
Just learning of it does make it seem that it's just happened somehow, you're right, but leaving her for this is both very harsh and very hasty.
I daresay you'll get some responses from men claiming it's so much harder for men to accept a woman's sexual past than it is for us women because of some genetic hardwiring, but it's pure nonsense. Most of us have not married virgins and many of us, if not most, have lost our virginity to someone who was not a virgin. Even if you did leave her, you'd only end up hooking with another woman who had a past.
Many of us have, for one reason or another, been tortured by recurring images of our partner with another. They can be overcome. I suggest keeping a private journal and doing some research on retro active jealousy, jealousy and envy. There is a lot of helpful material out there.
You have a choice; either get passed it or torment yourself (and her) with these images. Your wife has done nothing wrong in concealing the exact details of her sexual past. I truly don't understand why people think they're entitled to such information.
One last thing; don't focus on the fact that 'she lied'. That is just a distraction from tackling the emotional homework you need to do to get over this.
I know how painful this is, been there, but you can overcome this and your wife is worth it.
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A
male
reader, Yos + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
This is commonly called retroactive jealousy. And it's a common 'condition', it happens to many men. Since it comes up here so often, I'll point you to a few previous questions, hope they help:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (23 October 2009):
 She's been with two men in her past. Whooptedoo.
If you're going to divorce her over that, then you didn't need to be married to her in the first place.
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A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 Do you really want to throw away 23 years for this? Are you sure? Its not like she was a prostitute or something and didn't tell you. I'm sorry, but I think you're being rather harsh on her. Why not just talk to her? I don't believe this is worth throwing away 23 years.
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A
female
reader, Melys  + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 I know this may seem as a bit of a shock to you finding that out ... but it was a very long time ago ... and by now, you should be able to trust your wife and you know her really well ... I really wouldn't worry about it at all ... she'd never do that to you would she ... let those images go and carry on being happy!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, katyayni  + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 Hi
Perhaps as a woman, she was really insecure about her 'past' and thought that telling you absolutely everything would be risking her chances with you? You know how love makes people act. William Wordsworth said, "what fond and wayward thoughts do fly into a lover's head, for mercy to myself I cried if Lucy should be dead!"
And really that is ancient history, let go of it. Talk it out as CaringGuy says, but listen to her and her reasons. After all, the lady has given you the best 23yrs of her life, made you a home, a family and everything. She wasn't ever unfaithful to you, was she? And, really, let it go. Think of all those lovely years you have had with her. Don't you think that you are perhaps being harsh on her?
After all these years (which btw, is a nothing less than a minor miracle in today's era of fickle-heartedness?)
So, think this one through.
Love :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
No, you don't need to leave her just because of this. that would be a really bad step. Instead, ask her why she didn't tell you. Perhaps she was embarassed or ashamed and thought you wouldn't like her. Also remember that this happened a long time ago, and she has since proved faithful to you. Forgive this little blip and continue with the marriage.
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