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My wife had a promiscuous past before we married...and now she is frigid, and it's driving me crazy!! What to do??

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2011) 17 Answers - (Newest, 13 May 2013)
A male United States age 30-35, *r. Smith writes:

This is my problem...my wife has a "colorful" past. I never asked or pretended to be interested in knowing. But she came up to me and told me. I felt somewhat "let down" but never I repeat never held it against her or treated her differently. I followed the advice many people told me that I should focus in the present and that her past should remain there.. in the past.

The big problem is that my wife turned out to be as cold as a fridge..never wants to experiment sexually or I am the one always starting sex with her. I asked what was the problem and she simply old me that all she lived all her fantasies (for example anal sex but not limited too) and that it is something she is not looking towards again.

I told her that it is not fair from her part to not allow me to experiment with my wife, I told her that I do not care for her previous "experiences" and that she should focus on me...make me happy, make me feel like a man and not some asshole that asked her to marry her.

To this day my sex life with my wife is a disaster and I am seriously considering either cheating or getting an escort...

PLEASE HELP ME make my wife understand that her past should affect neither our marriage nor our sex life!!!!

View related questions: anal sex, escort, frigid, her past, sex life

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A male reader, tfj724 United States +, writes (13 May 2013):

I am in a similar situation. People who were promiscuous seek the thrill and rush of one and two night stands. The intimacy of a long term relationship goes against every aspect of their being. They have given their best to men and women they didn't know and have nothing left to give. I am in the process of ending my marriage because of this. I have no advice. I do know at a point in time you may feel this level of pain and be forced to think of what is best for yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012):

Hi. I was once the girl you describe. I'm not sure what her excuse is but i sure had a ton of excuses.

I was prego i felt fat he was judging . There are past men who hurt me and i carry it over into marriage. Finally i will respect myself.

Turns out that i had the wrong idea about my husband. And i had a trust issue from past relationships/lovers.

Lastly my husband said you act like im the one that broke you.

Once i let go of all the other men in my mind i realized how unbalanced the relationship was.

A woman with a promiscuous past has the idea of sex while married idea all wrong. Break through it. Remind her that she loves sex. Don't be Nice about it. Its not ok the way she its treating you.

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A female reader, untamed heart South Africa +, writes (24 April 2011):

I was also like that to my past marriage, i remembered when it seems the ex-hubby wants to make love, i always find excuses like washing clothes at 11 pm and when i saw him aleady asleep then i slowly get out from the washroom and sleep. I felt that having sex with him is such a burden since i am doing all my responsibilities to our children. Then he started cheating and i felt good as he gets his sexual desire from someone else...wondring why i didn't even bothered at all.. then i realized i didnt have feelings or the love for him, the reason why i don't want to make love with him..and when i left him 7 years back, didn't have any regrets...It is indeed so good to make love with someone you love no matter how tired or sleepy you are.

I might not able to answer your question, but the one am sharing with you is relevant to what might be the reason.Remember, women are making love with emotions unlike men who just after to get off in any way they want at anytime.I guess you need to sit down and talk and do not let her feel that you are really interested in making love with her.Try to have another honeymoon..be romantic and the wifey will fall again and before you know it, the spark will again be there...Just needs a starter!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011):

Have you thought about if she might have had any unpleasant experiences in her promiscous past? I think of like rape or otherwise painful sexual experiences that she does like to be reminded of? Eventually a feeling of emotional emptyness connected to having sex with men she had no relationship to, and that that emptyness has been hard for her to overcome?

European concervative guy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011):

You cannot make your wife different. If she is less adventurous than you prefer, maybe there are other ways you can compromise. You can't force her to make you feel like a man, you ARE a man. That said, if you have problems you cannot work out and you feel frustrated, talk to someone. You tried talking to your wife and no resolution so far. So talk to a professional, discreet, qualified therapist. Oh, one more thing... sex is considered the ultimate prerogative of marriage. Try treating it as your rightful due, however, and you may destroy your chance of enjoying it in frequency and with mutuality of pleasure. It's not ALL about either you or her, but both together. So get that in balance too.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (20 April 2011):

chigirl agony auntI still think that her reasons are more excuses than reasons. She might not enjoy doing the things in question because she has tried them out in the past, but then again if she did enjoy it she would have been doing it with you already and it'd be no biggie.

I consider myself to have been around the block a few times and seen what's out there sexually. I don't feel like Im "fucked 'til dropped", and I don't think I ever will get to such a stage either. I don't think there is such a stage to be honest. In my head, either you love sex or you don't. There's no limit to how much, or for how long you are able to enjoy sex and I don't believe that one day; POOF it goes boring or uninteresting. Which is why Im thinking your wife's sex drive has either gone down, or she's landed in this rut, and is using her past as an excuse.

If her sex drive has gone down, which it can although it is unusual for a woman this young without there being a medical reason behind it, there is just nothing you can do about it, and her past will be irrelevant. She might not have been into trying these things even if she never had before, and I am certain there ARE things she hasn't tried as well, yet she appears to not want to try that either? That is your clue that this isn't about what she has tried before or not... this is about her not being interested in her sex life with you.

Sex is not everything, but it is something. You should talk to her about this having an effect on your relationship and intimacy. Instead of doing all new things, how about adding a twist to the old routines? Maybe if you just get the ball rolling....

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (19 April 2011):

person12345 agony auntI agree with Dirtball and Chigirl. I'm sorry you feel upset that she won't grit her teeth and just do it for you. But the purpose of having a wife isn't to be your sexual plaything, she is your partner. You have to engage in things together. Sex isn't about what she can do for you or what you can do to her. She engaged in these things in the past and there is a reason she doesn't want to engage in them again. She's not just "withholding" to punish you, she's refusing to do it because she didn't like it. As mentioned, anal sex for instance is extremely painful for most women. Only 30% of women will even tolerate it, let alone enjoy it. Like Chigirl said, would you enjoy having a penis up your butt? Because anatomically men are able to enjoy this more than women. The way you're wording this doesn't even begin to take into consideration whether your wife would enjoy these acts, it's all about what you. Have you even thought about whether she would enjoy these things?

The way you're wording this it seems like you only want these things out of jealousy because someone else had them. It's not about whether you can enjoy an experience together, it's all about conquering territory. If experiencing these things is really important to you, then you need to talk to her about why and maybe she'd be willing to do it once or twice. But if she says the experience was unpleasant or painful, you shouldn't push her into it. Maybe you could try finding other things to experiment with instead of pushing for things she's already done. You could go talk to a couples counselor about some fresh new ideas. You say you aren't focusing on the past, but that's exactly what you're doing. In order to get past this, you have to look forward and look for new things, not obsessively try to relive old experiences.

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A male reader, Mr. Smith United States +, writes (19 April 2011):

Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the question

2 so very confused... I seduce her, romance her i don't kiss her feet because tat will be falling to low to make love to my wife...i do try to make everything seem perfect and treat her like a lady but i always get the same response..."i am not interested, i tried it once and didn;t like it and not loking foward to it"...

I do feel as if my with selfishly "fucked" till she dropped and now i am stuck with a woman that has no fantasies or sexual desires...it hurts because i love her so much :( and love making love to her :(

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A male reader, Mr. Smith United States +, writes (19 April 2011):

Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@ Dirtball we have been marreid for 1 year, our sex life hasn't perfect but not to the point it is now... i proposed counseling, still waiting for an answer

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 April 2011):

chigirl agony auntNormal experimentation... it is odd that she isn't up for that, because things like different positions give different types of pleasure and joy, for her as well as you. I understand her not wanting anal sex as that typically is unpleasant, but things that provide her pleasure as well...?

Could it be that she simply has fallen into a rut when it comes to sex, and is just using her past as an excuse? Like "why do I have to bother, I already did it...". Sounds like laziness, which is common when you are bored or in a rut.

Could you explain these desires for small scale experimentation to her? Tell her why you wish to try them? Bring it up from the standpoint that it is something that will bring you and her out of the rut your sexlife has landed in. That even if she tried things in the past, they were good, gave her pleasure, and things will feel different because it will be with you. And you want to enjoy these different sensations with her. Only things that you are both comfortable with of course, but trying a new position in bed isn't exactly going wild. Maybe you can ask her why she prefers only the positions you currently use? If she is satisfied with those? And that you think it is starting to get old and that you want some variation?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (19 April 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntnot many women consider ANAL sex NORMAL

and when you say places other than your home.... do you mean

the car

a motel

a friends house in the bathroom?

do you romance and seduce your wife or just demand sex?

as for her past affecting her present oh yes it does....

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (19 April 2011):

dirtball agony auntYeah, that comment sucks, and is difficult to overcome. I don't blame you for feeling hurt by it. It gives you the feeling of: "why am I, your husband and the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with, not worthy of even considering trying something different with?" Almost as though you're being penalized for not having tried the stuff you want to before you met her...

I still stand by my original post though. I think you need to talk to her and focus on why this is important to you, and how her not even considering it is making you feel. You may not get to try everything you want, but working toward a compromise is what you both should be trying to do. That shows a commitment to each other instead of only yourself.

By the way, I'm still curious as to the answers to my questions OP.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011):

Read these.

http://www.dearcupid.org/keyword/her%20past

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girlfriend-was-very-promiscuous-in-the-past.html

The latter one is particularly helpful. There are others. In particular, read this one.

"A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011):

Many people come from backgrounds that just leave them with no preparation for how mature, stable, and constructive relationships should be managed. Alcoholic parents, abusive or neglectful parents, mentally ill parents, etc, etc. Rape, incest, abuse, neglect, alcohol, other drugs, all get tossed into the mix usually.

Many of these people are good, decent, loving, kind and wonderful individuals. But, they don't see themselves that way, they see themselves as "trash". They may have doctoral degrees, and make a quarter million a year, but they still see themselves as "trash" and "throwaways".

The female poster, "jonas", hit the nail right on the head.

Now, she may be trying to be someone that she wants to be with you. The only way to figure that out is to get professional couples counseling from the beginning, now, for both of you. You need to do this to protect yourself. She needs it to figure out if this is what she wants.

It is not easy for these people to get what they want, because they also don't believe they deserve it, it can take 10 or more years for them to believe it. They have a terrible self worth as well, and it leads them to do terrible things to themselves, which hurt those that they love.

Unfortunately, people, men as well as women, who have this background tend to cheat in relationships if they don'tget good and competent long term help. They do this because no long term relationship can sustain their esteem and quell their fears and insecurities without a lot of reassurance.

I can't speak to your gf, but my partner had had so many partners that she wouldn't even tell anyone, for the reasons "jonas" mentions. It was "around 100", but the true number was well beyond that, more likely than not 2-3 X that, but who can keep count. She is also the most wonderful person I could ever have imagined, and become better every year, but she needed a lot of help, support, reassurance, and counseling over the years, she has had to deal with drug addiction and old "friends" that simply cannot be allowed around...20 years into things, a "friend" re-enters the picture and has to be told "No, you can't contact me, I don't want to associate with you." because of their negative influences."

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A male reader, Mr. Smith United States +, writes (19 April 2011):

Mr. Smith is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Whe I say experimentation I mean normal stuff like anal, positions or maybe some place other than our home...

@ DirtBall: What really killed me was the comment that she mentioned "I already did that and I am not looking foward to it again".. how would you feel if it was your wife "slamming" this on your face?????

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 April 2011):

chigirl agony auntI don't think you are angling this right. I understand your frustration, but attack the issue from a different stand and you might get further. It is not her colourful past that is keeping her cold and not interested in experimenting. People who didn't experiment as young don't like to experiment as they grow older either, and some didn't when young but want to when older and so on. People change, or don't change, and all is relative. Even if your wife never had sex with anyone until she met you doesn't mean she'd be up for trying out things sexually. Some people just aren't into that.

Nor is it a human right to experiment on someone else. Or at the cost of someone else. You can experiment with anal, get a vibrator and do it yourself. Im not trying to ridicule you, but you can experiment with things sexually on your own. If your wife doesn't want a penis up her butt, much like I imagine you do not want a vibrator up yours, then so be it. It's not fair to force her.

Yes, as a loving wife she should be interested in keeping you happy in bed, but not all are into experimentation, plain and simple, wild past or not. That's typically, in this modern society, something you figure out before you marry. Some people are a good sexual match in the sense that they both want to experiment, others are a bad sexual match when one wants to try out different things, and the other doesn't.

How about you keep your experimentation at a lower key? Anal is unpleasant, your wife should want to make you happy but likewise you should be wanting to make her happy and not want to push your penis up her butt when she doesn't like it. Imagine getting a penis up your own butt and see how much that turns you on.

Aren't there things you and your wife both can agree to do instead? What sort of experimentation are you thinking about, because while some things are "acceptable" (like anal), some wishes aren't (like swinging and thresomes) unless BOTH parties desire to try them out.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (19 April 2011):

dirtball agony auntWell, when you put it the way you did it's a miracle you get any at all.

It's good that you're trying to discuss sex with your wife, but the way you do it is just as important as what you're talking about. The way you presented your argument makes you sound like a child who isn't getting the toy he wants.

When you talk about this, tell her why you want to try different things. Why it's important to you. How it can make you feel emotionally closer to her. How important she is to you and why it's important that the most special person in your life be open to considering trying some stuff out with you. Just because she experienced something doesn't mean you have or shouldn't want to.

DO NOT: threaten an affair, throw a temper tantrum, start yelling, tell her what she's doing wrong... Focus on yourself, and your feelings, and WHY it matters to you.

How long have you been married? Has your sex life always been this way with her? Have you tried marriage counselling?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011):

She's being grossly unfair to you, her past is her past but it's clearly affected her in a bad way and your paying the price

An escort isn't the answer to your problems it will just add to them. Do you romance her ? Do you create a sensual atmosphere to seduce her? Warm bath, massage, candles, romantic meal etc.. or just pounce in the bedroom?

If you have tried everything then I would suggest you go together for some sort of therapy - sex is a huge part of a relationship and you need to try everything before you give up

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