A
male
age
,
*ddi
writes:My wife is 51 and I am 48. She says that she no longer feels like sex with any man, although she will reluctantly have sex with me to keep me happy. She has orgasms about half the times we have sex, but says twice a week is too much and that I have an abnormally high sex drive!?!? She never initiates it, and refuses to help me out with her hands. She suggests now that I find another woman for sex, in order to reduce the amount of sex she has with me. But says I must not have it more than once with these women because I will be having an affair!!!! In other words, go for one night stands.Of course I dont want this to be the situation, I simply want sex with my wife, if she cannot, then I dont see why she cannot satisfy me with her hands. Any advice?????
View related questions:
affair, one night stand, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This man has spent 12 years in separate rooms, she suggests he has one night stands, so she doesn't have to have sex with him. This is now a total of 14 years this problem has existed, if not before.And people suggest she has a zinc deficiency, they need counselling, they need to rebuild trust and intimacy, to he needs to run a scented bath or date and romance her, or that she's full of resentment because he had a vasectomy so they didn't have children they couldn't afford. To save a marriage you have to have a marriage to save, you also need both the husband and wife to want to save it, not just one of the partners. You can't order a scented bath or take some zinc supplements, or say well it's because some religions are like this..I'm sure he's well aware of that, and that has not been mentioned as a possibility. Whether she's addicted to becoming pregnant is irrelevant, after all this time, she's 51, and has a husband and children who need her to take an active input into their family life. 14 years like this is utterly unhealthy, it's void of any human companionship or reasonable behaviour.Why is this so difficult to comprehend. He can run all the baths in the world, get her zinc supplements, try and appease her, say sorry for this, for that,( which I'm sure he has done on numerous occasions, along with all the other processes to encourage her to be more loving to make this marriage work) She doesn't want to!!!!All marriages should be worked on, but not after 14 years of such coldness and lack of intimacy..how far do we take the marriage vows, for me, this is one step too far. This not supposed to be a life sentence, a sentence where all one does is endure from day to day. That is not marriage, and fantasising about the fairy tale image of marriage, and what it should be like, is not going to change this one!
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (26 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMinerals/vitamins - maybe
Religion - no
Making children only - dont think so
Resentment - good chance
Asked her to go to councelling - no way
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): hmm.. Could she be deficient in zinc or some other healthy vitamins/minerals? maybe read up on it or any nutrition-related info..
On the other hand, maybe she believes sex is 'for making kids' only and became disillusioned when you had operation against her will... (?)
6 kids is a lot though, so I quite understand you..
some people were raised very religious though, not sure if that was her case too?
There seem to be a lot of resentment between you and her... anger and resentment can take away desire and wish for intimacy too.. (or wish to cook dinners or such :)
Maybe you both need to work on this and rebuild trust and emotional intimacy.. I don't know, it could mean reading books on effective communication or effective relationships or seeing a therapist/marriage counsellor/coach...? Have you tried any of these things yet?
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (26 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yes, Gamine, about the Civil War. That was when the North was unprepared to accept the unreasonable demands of the South that they should be allowed to enslave people and take away every bit of self respect those people had.
Good job the North didn@t surrender or maybe every black person in North America would still be a slave!
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (26 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi NinaThat is a very insightful answer. My wife does not suffer, nor has she ever suffered from any hormonal or psychological illness. Having said that it is difficult to get her to go to the doctor for any reason (except to confirm a pregnancy!), so it could be that there is some depression hidden there but undiagnosed. Although if she does have it, it does not show.The bit about parental abandonment is spot on. This was a part of her early childhood. I can definitely see where pregnancy addiction comes in.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Oddi, I do agree with you. The need for more than 2-3 children is unusual in today's developed societies (and current global recession)... let alone more than 6!
Everyone here is saying the real issue is that you chose to draw the line on how many children you'll have, without your wife's consent. I disagree; the real issue is that your wife uses pregnancy like an alcoholic uses alcohol: a way to fill the void. There are many women who resort to pregnancy out of insecurity, cravings for attention, feelings of parental abandonment, depression and loneliness. Pregnancy can be a very exciting time; it is full of anticipation, attention, a feeling of purpose, and a deep sense of not being alone (because there is life within). Being able to feel hopeful, loved and purposeful are markers of a healthy mind; women who cannot generate these feelings in ordinary life may become 'addicted' to pregnancy as a substitute. These women are, essentially, depressed.
I would not be surprised if you failed to mention that your wife show signs of depression or has been diagnosed. If she has not, I would suggest getting her to speak to someone and perhaps getting her hormones checked for imbalances. Your wife clearly has a serious problem that is undermining your marriage and this needs to be dealt with first.
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (25 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Remember, the general who surrenders (calls a truce) has not given up on his reasons for going to war. He has merely realized that the war can't continue"
I thought I would hear better from an American. Your country has stood against the unreasonable demands of Nazis, Communists, Fascists and now the Taliban,it has never surrendered, and G-d willing never will.
I am not about to be enslaved by my wife, I am not going to apologise for not giving in to her unreasonable demands. It sets a precedent for giving in to more. At the end of the day it is good to negotiate, but this is the problem, she just wanted it all her way, she has had more children than I wanted, she has had her way, it is reasonable for me then to have a vasectomy. She cannot have everything she wants in what is a joint venture. I cant just keep giving in all the time, what kind of a man would I be, where would be my honour, my self respect as a person and as a man. Must I surrender that to her also. I would become just a extension of her will, not a person in my own right.
What kind of happy surrender is that, happy for her maybe!
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (25 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Gamine, Thank You for that. I have to admit, I have not thought of it in those terms. How can I get my marriage sorted without unconditional surrender. By having a vasectomy I was indeed trying to have some control over the future of our marriage. I believe I too have a right to decide how many children to have.
Perhaps I am mistaken here, but my understanding is that your advice is to unconditionally surrender to my wife and hope she has mercy on me for the crime against our marriage that I committed. By doing so I will resume a happy marriage where there is no longer an imbalance of power.
No man wants a vasectomy, it takes away his manhood too. I had no choice in the matter, she would not use any contraceptives. (I suppose I did have a choice not to have sex, but that is rather uninspiring.
I still think that what I did was right and that I didnt have a realistic choice anyway. Its a terrible thing to put a man in this position. Its downright cruel, and its not just the extra children which we could not afford, there is a limit to domestic strain it brings. In the end one or both of us would be bound to crack up.
In the end, I feel hurt about this because she already had her own way three more times (I was happy with three children). Now wanted more irrespective of my wishes and with no sense of acknowledgement of my needs.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): I will make this my last posting on this topic. As it is very clear from the ORIGINAL posting that the problem within this marriage is way beyond a simple stale relationship, where sex has dwindled away over time, and the man wants to know how to ignite the spark again.
I'm starting to see more and more postings on DC from the those posting the question, where the original question, and advice sought by the Agony Aunts and Uncles really has very little to do with the REAL PROBLEM.
'Gamine' responded to the posters question in a way she felt could be the problem between this man and wife - she was pinpointing from the original post about the husband having a vasectomy so therefore the wife was resentful etc..This of course may well me the case, however' Oddi' had NOT anywhere in his original posting stated that HE and HIS WIFE have FUNDAMENTAL differences with regards to having children, that basically his wife wants/wanted to continue having children regardless of their FINANCIAL status, as he seems by his reply to Gamine quite upset explaining THIS for the first time here WHY he had a vasectomy.
The problem is a DIFFERENCE in goals and expectations within the marriage, that perhaps had not been fully discussed or aired before marriage. This happens only too often, but human. I'm presuming if he had gone alone with having more children as and when, then his marriage MAY NOT be where it is today, so his only failing, is having a vasectomy to prevent bringing children into the world that they could not afford. To me very sensible and quite reasonable.
As I say, a LOT more here than a difference in sexual appetite, and personally not one I feel can be resolved or even touched upon on DC.
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (24 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Jilly, I agree that not much else can be gleaned here. The reason I talk about another man in my wife's bed despite the fact she says that she is not attracted to any man is simple. In my experience what she says and what she means are often two entirely different things.
Gamine, I get your point there, but dont you think I feel hurt when my wife ignores my views on the number of children we have, dont you think I want a life too. Shouldnt I have a say in the matter,or is it up to me to keep appeasing her with more children. As far as she is concerned she wanted to keep on having more and more irrespective of the financial situation, the overcrowding in the house, the stress it brings, and all the extra work I have to do to support them. Please be fair, I too am a human and it cant be all her way. She has no right to feel hurt, I have been far more accommodating than most men on this issue.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): To the anonymous reader, writes (24 October 2010):
First, thank you for the compliment on the book! But, you have COMPLETELY misinterpreted what the book is actually about.
The book is very much aimed at relationships, making good ones, hopefully ones that will take you from the cradle to the grave, and aimed at females - my next book will be aimed at men.
It is about how mother nature dictates we choose partners, which most of are oblivious to, it is also about WOMEN who have had a very privileged upbringing in society, who may have a father who is a diplomat, has been born in Hong-Kong, then educated in England at a top public school, who goes on to exceed academically, perhaps Oxford or Cambridge, speaks several languages, is cultured, sporty and has worked her way up through her career, and is now at the top, earning at least 80K. She is now 36-38 and now wants to settle down with a partner and have a family.
This female is NOT going to want to meet a man who has not achieved all that she has - she is looking for an equal, at least, and it is PROVEN for relationships to work long-term, or marriages to be harmonious on all grounds, then the MORE a couple have in common, as in the same family background, position in society, similar core values, education, ability to communicate at the same level, to financial earning capacity, lifestyle and friends, and of course the SAME relationship goal for the future, then a couple chances of making through to their 50th anniversary stand a better chance.
The research for this has been extensive, it's what I do, so I thought I would make this VERY CLEAR here, as YOU appear to be suggesting the women I help, are gold-diggers, young women looking for the Alpha Male to provide for them, and this could NOT be further from the truth, they do not need a man to provide for them, and certainly are not seeking that, they are seeking an equal to them in every-way, so their lifestyle together will continue in the same way for BOTH of them in the same way as it has since they were children.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): Oddi,
You were asking for advice, options, suggestions, as to what could be possible avenues to take, that is what I provided you with. As for your wife all of a SUDDEN becomng sexual, as you state your boys would not be happy with her sharing her bed with a male partner...I'M CONFUSED!!! You have clearly stated she is " She says that she no longer feels like sex with any man," so I was working on YOUR information, yet you have come back as though it is very much a possibility!
I would have thought that NO self-respecting adult, good mother or father would be entertaining ANYONE in their bed for quite some considerable time - may be years, especially IF children are young, that to me would be given. One has to have dated someone a LONG-time to even bring them into the house, let alone bed, if one has young children.
You obviously don't want to consider divorce, and that si totally your prerogative, your choice in the matter, and as for saying IF you did divorce your children would become drug addicts etc, it not for gone conclusion, it would depend on how the divorce was handled, how the children were taken care of by both parents.
This topic has probably reached it's natural end, as the only option I see with any chance of change is that YOUR WIFE takes responsibility for the situation which has arisen, and as you say soldier on..
Good luck!
Jilly
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (24 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Jilly. I am not sure though that if there was another guy sleeping with my wife in our marital bed, that it would go down well with the boys. I mean in preference to the current situation. It is not just an excuse.
Also, when I look around the street I live in, I am the only person in about 14 houses that is still on his first marriage. Quite a few of the young men from these families have either been on drugs or in trouble with the law.
None of my sons have, my oldest four are all law abiding, working, tax paying citizens. I firmly believe that this is because I am able to keep an eye on them and intervene quickly when they start to go astray.
This would not be so easy if I were not at home.
I am not saying that a single mother cannot raise good children, of course she can, but it is a lot more difficult. And with a stepfather who may have a different set of values to the boys real father, well that can cause all kinds of problems.
It seems to me that the custom of the times is to marry someone, if it doesnt work out, try another and so forth. In reality people get hurt, children, wives and husbands.
I dont think all should be sacrificed purely for emotional or sexual satisfaction. As you say, we only have one life, lets fight through it like good soldiers and not leave our post in the heat of battle.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Oddi,
I truly understand where you are coming from but you cannot determine your life purely on finances - I have been there, so I do have some previous experience. As for you already pre-empting YOUR wife who seems sexless up till now, sleeping in a bed with other men, is just putting up reasons, excuses as to why you should stay where you are. Right now ALL that is only hypothetical, and no one can seriously spend the rest of their life making decisions bound by such fears.
You know children must be shown that life is real - that relationships do breakdown, but they also go on to build again, and just because a marriage is not working, does NOT detract from the LOVE that is felt for your children. Do you want your children to grow up with unrealistic expectations, to stay in relationships even when they are destructive and not healthy..to endure..to be bound by paper but NOT love!
I am not for one minute suggesting that keeping to the vows of marriage are not commendable...but you are not coming back for a second shot, this is it, use it wisely, and use it with sensitivity and warmth. Yet keep your boundaries CLEAR, and don't allow your wife to manipulate this, as I'm sure she is well aware of how you feel towards the sanctity of marriage.
I cannot tell you what you should do, NOR should I, as it is YOU who lives with your wife, who knows what is under the surface...I can only know what you say here, and there is always more to everyone's situation, yet I know no human being should live a life without love and warmth, it is human right, just like breathing.
I wish you well with all my heart..I really do!
Jilly
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Tell her you prefer a real marriage to a one night stand and then talk to a lawyer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (23 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Jilly, you have said pretty much what I have been thinking for a long time. I was brought up in the days when marriage was considered a life time commitment, and I still do. I also have to think of the welfare of my boys, do I really want some other guy sleeping with her in their house. How will they feel about that? Also Child Support is likely to tear me to shreds, there will be so little left I could hardly support myself. Tax and national insurance = 31 and a half per cent and I estimate 25 per cent CSA payments (two boys still in school). Fifty six and a half per cent deductions above the basic threshold with no upper limit is a hell of a lot!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Dear Oddi,
Hmmm..exactly what I suspected, you are married to a woman who is closed both emotionally and physically. And YES, having her cake and eat it, meaning she wants the roof over her head, the bills paid without having to be a wife.
I do however find it hard to believe that you have gone along with her distinctly cold approach to your marriage for some 14 years in all. 12 years in separate rooms, I would think this must be getting to almost all your married life. And NO she doesn't crave emotional closeness..and COLD towards her children. I can only ask WHY have you condoned this behaviour for so long, in essence you have given her a written agreement ( green light) that living like this is OK, as this not by any means a recent issue.
Now I know it's been going on for so, so long, I think the problem is way past flowers, scented baths ( she probably would like that anyway) or any kind of wooing or romancing, this is very much a very well worn problem, like not trying to remove the red wine you've just spilt, leave it a couple of days and wonder why it's well and truly unmovable!
This problem sadly Oddi, is beyond what can be dealt with here, regardless of how many answers you get - my bet is, NOT one will work, no, not being negative merely realistic and considering the length of time, you will need more than DC.
This woman id not acting as a wife, so you have two options as I see it - put up with it, you know the ground rules now with her - Two: divorce her and start your life again!
I do not believe marriage is for WORSE, that is absolute rubbish, when the marriage vows were introduced that was is 1660..and they haven't changed since. The way you are living without any of your human needs being met, is more like a prison sentence. Of course there is a THIRD option, but for that YOUR wife has got to want to change herself, see that her behaviour is not conducive to remaining married, and WANT to seek outside professional help to work on this as a couple...but I don't think she will, SHE is happy as she is, and will continue like it, unless YOU finally decide it has to stop as you want to live your ONE and ONLY life with warmth, love and human companionship.
I wish you luck Oddi, please think about all this.
Jilly
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (23 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Jilly, Thanks for that. Where you say Helllooo, having her cake and eating it. Does this mean she wants the perks of being married without having to be a wife. In other words having everything her way. It seems like that to me. How long has it been like this - 14 years, but worse in the last three or four. We have slept separately for about 12 years. No she does not crave emotion or intimacy and is quite cold except towards the children. The boys complain that if they do anything for her around the house she just criticises what they have done. I found the same myself, so I dont do much anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): If she is going through the menopause she may well need some additional HRT..but she may be already taking HRT. 51 is NOT early to be going through the menopause, the average age at which women start the menopause is around 47-48 and by 50 or so may want to take HRT to help with various physical conditions.
Although you seem to be talking about having sex more often with your wife, I feel from reading your post, you also NEED and WANT intimacy with her. Stating she goes to her own room after having sex, says more to me, than her not wanting sex as often as you do.
Has she always slept in another room, bed, as it strikes at being rather cool intimately ( emotionally I mean) there are a lot of women who don't want sex as much as their male partners, nevertheless they do want and need that close intimacy of cuddles, affection and being in each others arms when going to sleep. You don't say how long this has been going on, if she has always been like this, you wanting sex more often, or if it has just started recently, the last couple of years.
Personally, rather than YOU doing all the work to improve your marriage, I think you wife should be taking an active part in trying to keep SOME intimacy and closeness between you going. Evidently she is not interested, and is playing a very dangerous game of telling you to go off and have one night stands, but you can't SEE the woman more than once as it would be an affair..Hellllooooooo!! She doesn't want to sleep with you in the same bed, nor have sex with you, and I'll presume for the sake of this posting, she is not very affectionate either, yet she is instructing YOU not to have any intimacy and affection either.
She wants her cake and eat it as far as I'm concerned, and I'm female...And you so nicely say how you want to only make love to your wife..does she know just how lucky she is!
You can only continue for so long with this, as you may have another 30-40 years on this planet, married to a woman who staves of affection and love..and sex. I suggest you don't have one-night stands, or any sex with anyone else, but TALK seriously to her about how she sees the future of your marriage, and telling you to LOOK ELSEWHERE is not the answer, in fact she is opting out of having to do anything about herself and dealing with this head on. She is currently burying her head in the sand.
I really hope you can talk together and decide together a route that will bring you closer even is slowly, but with that as an end result.
Jilly
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): When I got into my 40's, my libido dropped off suddenly. Did I ask for a backrub or a dry martini? No, I went to the doctor and got checked out. Turns out, I had low testosterone due to not getting enough zinc. The thought of her getting me back in an amourous mood never entered her or my thinking. All I'm saying is she needs to take some ownership as well, rather than offering him the door to find some strange. That's just fucked up, and not his problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Hold your horses, anonymous reader. I did not authomatically sided by the female of the couple, because I don't even see this as a feminist issue. Only as a practical problem that needs a solution.
The wife is not in the mood for sex, the husband does not want to cheat and does not want to leave her. Ergo, he needs to find a way to put her back in an amorous mood. Attentions and affection, in general, work better toward this end than demands and recriminations.
If it had been the opposite - a husband who has gone off sex and a horny wife, I would have told HER to give him a back rub with massage oil or record him a compilation of his favourite songs or write him a love letter or whatever in the world
may make him feel special- because I am sure she would have more chances to solve her problem this way, rather than complaining " I'm horny, all I'm asking is to be fingered for 5 minutes, is that too much to ask for Pete's sake ! "
No, there's nothing wrong in requesting a handjob, a measly handjob. Just it's not something that will fuel her semi-vanished desire !
...............................
A
male
reader, Oddi +, writes (21 October 2010):
Oddi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help and advice, it is very much appreciated. There have been a few quesions in your replies.
She has started the menapause, but her interest in sex dwindled significantly about 14 years ago after our youngest child was born and I had a vasectomy. I had the vasectomy against her will because we had six children and I didnt want any more. So since then I have had to make a lot of effort to get very little. Though whenever she wanted to get pregnant I could not keep up with her.
Yes, I do want intimacy and closeness as well as sex, but she rarely spends the full night in my bed, but goes back to her own as soon as she is done.
I am not going to buy her any flowers or chocolates because I just bought her a car.
Perhaps I should be grateful for SOME sex and perhaps she should be grateful for the car.
She is not on birth control
Why dont I buy her a scented bubble bath?
Why won't she cook me a half way decent dinner?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): The only thing You can do to save Your marriage is Jerk off!! Do not have one night stands if You love one another. It will only make thing's worse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I'm sick to death of reading posts where everyone automatically sides with the woman...as if it always comes down to the male's responsibility to work harder at wooing her and offering more support under every condition. For Pete's sake...this woman is REQUESTING HIM TO HAVE ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIPS!! She is obviously a bit fucked up. In addition to that being a sin, it is a direct slap in the face to this marriage to suggest such a thing. It also invites in a whole host of issues, such as STD's and possible prostitution. How is it so terrible he is requesting some kind of sexual contact? He is already compromising by asking for a handjob...a measly HANDJOB!Telling him to buy flowers and wooing her more? Approach her less often? Scented bubble bath? really? And what is she doing about their failing marriage and dead sex life? I'm sorry, but unless she has a physiological or medical reason for this, she is killing the intimacy of this marriage, and SHE needs to do something, not him.Can't get it up?...take Viagra. Woman has no sex drive and refuses sex?...oh well, poor guy has to suck it up and make her a nice cup of tea. No wonder there are so many posts here about guys watching porn.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I totally agree with the answer by CindyCares. However, if your wife has previously enjoyed sex and you have not changed your approach to lovemaking, then it is very probable her age. 51 is about average to start the menopause so perhaps she needs to see her gp. Why don't you talk to her about this; there is nothing worse than feeling that your man only wants sex for his gratification not because he wants to express his love for you. Tell her you will help and support her through this time and I am sure you will reap the rewards.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I sympathise. My ex partner had a low sex drive in the first place. We got together when I was 26 and she was 36. We didn't have sex often - she never gave me oral and never let me give her oral - and it was two positions only and never on a work night (too tired) and basically Saturday or Sunday mornings only. She said she loved me, just had low sex drive. Lots of cuddles though. I loved her, thought it would be OK. By the time she hit 40, we were lucky to be having sex once every other month. At age 42 she just stopped. Didn't want it. I was romantic, treated her well, still cuddled her, made her feel special and wanted, but no good.I lived like that for 4 years but left her earlier this year. I don't think it is honestly possible to have a genuine deeply loving relationship with someone without intimacy. The partner who is 'made to go without' gradually feels less and less loved or wanted, pushed away, and you can't go on indefinitely like that. It's not just 'the sexual act' but the feeling of being intimate with someone you love.I am now 37 and feel I may be on my own for a long time. But I'd rather that that spend any more years lying next to someone I love and who supposedly loves me, but can't/won't be intimate. It's more heartbreaking than being single.If it were me, I certainly wouldn't have one-night stands, but I would leave the marriage. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life - which could be another 30 years - with someone who doesn't want to touch you or let you touch her?
...............................
A
female
reader, mizi +, writes (21 October 2010):
I hope your wife is not like my husband,he told me 4 yrs ago that there would be no more sex,i have tried everything in the book to turn this around,to no avail.I dont understand why she would tell you to have sex with someone else,if she loves you this would be the last thing that she would want.I often think that maybe i should go elsewhere for sex but my marriage vows mean too much to me.Is it the sex you want or is it the closeness you miss?Try just loving her without wanting the sex,sometimes this is what a woman craves but men seem to get the wrong ideas and it HAS to lead to sex,cuddle her then turn over and go to sleep,this may bring her to you.Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (21 October 2010):
Is she going through menopause or is she on hormonal birth control?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 October 2010):
Your wife could be off sex because of hormonal changes, or depression, or just plain and simple boredom...
But, you are not helping her that much to get her groove back.
When you say : ok, no sex, at least satisfy me with your hands, you are literally asking her to "lend " you a hand, as if it were a tool- you are showing her that what you care about is the mechanics of the act, and the attainment of physical release- not the emotional,romantic connection.
Why don't you take the trouble ,instead, to put her in the mood for sex. Romance her a bit - send her flowers for no reason, compliment her, organize a candlelight dinner,run for her a scented bubble bath... something. Something that says : "Wow. You are awesome and I desire you ", not just
"I need an orgasm ".
Yes, it 's a lot of work- and for a woman that you probably already know since a lot of time. It's only up to you to decide if she is worth the effort.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Could she possibly be going to menopause? Though 51 is still reasonably early to be going through menopause, it is still a possibility, a theory as to why she does not want sex anymore. Some women feel as though they just are not women anymore, some women just lose their sex drive alltogether.
Whatever it is, you could always try and make her feel beautiful again, take her walking and hold her hand, go on a date, buy her flowers and a box of chocolates or give her a massage. Do whatever you did when you were dating and perhaps she will feel differently.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, till death do us part.
i guess thats what they mean here. this will be a true test of your love for this woman.
you need to read up about her problems, then ask yourself this question again. and go talk to your doctor.
...............................
|
