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My wife cheated repeatedly; I gave her another chance but she still sees the men she was unfaithful with

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 July 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2007)
A male United States age 51-59, *C writes:

My wife has had sex with more then a few guys on the side. A few were her coworkers. Our marriage was falling apart rapidly because of her infidelity and deciet. One day I had enough of her abuse and threats of divorce so I told her I was looking foward to the divorce and getting away from a cheating tramp. Not long after, she wanted to reconcile and get our marriage back on track. I agreed and things seemed to be getting better. I still have little trust in her from being victimized by her so badly. She has put some effort into salvaging what was left, but my concern is that she maintains friendships with a few of those guys she slept with. I told her that its not helping our marriage that she stays in contact with them and she denies she slept with the guys she still remains friends with. I don't believe her. While her patterns have changed since the infidelity supposedly ended, I have a feeling she would still have sex with them if she had the right opportuniy. When I asked her to stop contact with these guys, she refused. She works in an all male facility and while I can understand why she has mostly men for friends, she has refused to help me get over a devistating situation. Am I asking too much of her to stop? She has arranged lunch dates from time to time, and not knowing if she is still cheating is taking a real negative effect on me. She knows I will never tolerate 1 more episode of infidelity, so why does she risk our marriage by continuing these friendships that could be sexual.

View related questions: co-worker, divorce, infidelity

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2007):

AskEve agony auntShe works with men so she'll get a lot of comments and flattering remarks which she finds hard to resist. Are you showing her enough attention and treating her well? Maybe this has been lacking from you in the past? My advice to you both would be to seek out some Marriage Guidance Counseling if you both really want this marriage to work, that way you'll get to the bottom of WHY her resistance is low and WHY she feels this urge to sleep with other people so easily.

How long have you both been married? Do you have any children together? The more she does this and the more she rebels to your requests not to see them out of working hours the more worthless and trapped you're going to feel. You need to give her an ultimatum and tell her if she does see them again then you're out of there. Plan where you'll go beforehand, even if it's just to live with a friend for a little while. The fact she see's you were serious might be the wake up call she needs to make her rethink and take steps to prove to you that she really does love you.

Eve

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (14 July 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntIf you're o.k. with her cheating, then stay in the relationship. If not, them it's time to start Being a man. Gain control of your life back. Hire a lawyer if you have alot of assets, and don't waste any time. You will find another, but the next time how will you prevent a woman from cheating on you. I have some fun dating tips that can help you get back on track. Call me back when the time comes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007):

Leave her it looks to me that she thinks your not good anough for her, but i think that shes not good enough for you

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A male reader, leonard j.Douglas Philippines +, writes (14 July 2007):

Her cheating ways,

have made you blue.

Please! Let me say,

some kind words to you.

You'he gone the mile,

many more it's true.

And all of the while,

Shes been cheating on you.

With lips that lie,

and a heart that's untrue.

It's time to say goodbye,

and I'm through with you.

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A female reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2007):

BEEN THERE DONE IT agony auntHi there hun,

Dispite what has happened your wife wanted to make another go of your marriage she needs to prove to you that she can be trusted again and it seems to me she really isn't thinking of how hard this must be for you to gain her trust again, she is one very lucky lady to have a man who is prepaired to forgive her and try agin...

I don't think your being unreasonable at all if the shoe were on the foot what would she expect you to do????

I comend you as you must love her so much but there is only so much you can put up with, yes she may work in a male dominated job but she needs to be thinking of saving her marriage that should be more important to her right now

Hope this has helped you babes,

Good luck,

Love Donna

P.S You deserve to be happy in life thats all you need to hold onto, if life doesn't seem to be dealing you a good hand than you need to shuffle the pack and start over again x

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A male reader, nigelfuxwell United States +, writes (13 July 2007):

nigelfuxwell agony auntMy friend, you know the answer in your heart already.

You wrote:

“When I asked her to stop contact with these guys, she refused”

As a man who has been cheated on (and returned the favor I’m ashamed to say) there is one thing about cheating that is consistent. If you have ever cheated on someone, and you were truly sorry, and you were lucky enough to get a second chance, you will move heaven and earth to win that trust back. My granddad told me once that trust is like toilet paper. Once it’s been crapped on, it’s pretty much useless. With that being said, if someone is lucky enough to get a second chance, they wouldn’t dare do anything to put that opportunity in jeopardy, unless they were completely stupid, or completely selfish. The fact that this has happened as you said “ with more than a few guys” then, I’d have to say she’s pretty much selfish and really doesn’t care about you, or the effect her actions have on you.

You wrote:

“I don't believe her. While her patterns have changed since the infidelity supposedly ended, I have a feeling she would still have sex with them if she had the right opportuniy.”

Your instincts are usually right. Your instincts are not some cosmic imaginary thing. That voice you hear is your brain. It’s actually shouting, but your heart doesn’t want to let go. I know it’s tough, but this is a pretty clear cut situation – based on what you have explained.

You also asked the question:

“Am I asking too much of her to stop?”

Man, you are in the very unique position in a relationship where you are entitled to make any demand you damn well please. Let me get this straight. She cheated on you more than once, you allowed her another chance, and you aren’t sure if you reserve the right to tell her to stop seeing people she was intimate with? Am I reading that right? Of course you do! And if she’s serious about salvaging this relationship, then she will.

“why does she risk our marriage by continuing these friendships that could be sexual”

Because for whatever reason, whatever character flaw she has – She does not care. Any reasonable human in her position would ask herself, “is this friendship I’m continuing to pursue especially in view of my track record worth losing my marriage over?”

It’s tough to see things clearly when you’re in the middle of a situation like this. I compare it being in the middle of a battle. Things move so fast, and you’re so confused it’s hard to tell if you’re doing the right thing, or what the hell is even going on. My advice to you is to take a step back, and look at it from the perspective of an outsider. If your brother, sister, best friend or stranger told you this story, what would you tell them to do? Or, even better – if you were the cheater in this situation, and you made a stupid mistake and had a second chance with the one you love… would you do something as stupid as continue to associate with the very woman you slept with? I think not. Ultimately, it all comes down to how much abuse you’re willing to take.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

Leave her. I have felt all the contradictory feelings and I have been in that shit and the only solution is for you to grab your balls and leave. With time the wounds will close and you will be able to realize what both of you did wrong. Right now it just seems you are overanalyzing your situation and you probably are going in circles. You might be thinking that maybe you are just being paranoid and that stops you but either way your marriage does not seem to be going anywhere so the best thing would be to leave.

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